Groundhog is Released from Jail;
Declares Himself Reincarnation of Christ

AUSTIN, Texas&emdash; President George W. Bush today granted a pardon for the homicidal soothsaying groundhog. "There is absolutely no proof that stealing police cars and holding people hostage is a bad thing," said a White House Press Secretary, who then added sardonically, "It should be noted that this is the administration that doesn't think carbon dioxide causes global warming." When the groundhog walked out of the police station, he was greeted by a crowd of supporters. No stranger to celebrity, he quickly declared himself the reincarnation of Christ. "He was all like, 'I'm Christ' and shit, and I was like 'You're better than that Waco guy," said fanatical supporter Cletas "Generic Texan" Higginsworth. Following his speech, the Groundhog led his loyal followers into a hole in the ground nearby, which he named Zion Hole. Informed sources say that from Zion Hole, he will monitor the poor schmucks outside, known in the Groundhog cult as Babylon. The cult will ultimately emerge from Zion Hole in the year 2671, when Babylon will be destroyed by a war between the United States and Portugal. Jesus Christ was quick to hold a press conference. "Yes, I know it would be stupid" said Christ, "but I looked into it, and it turns out he really is my reincarnation." Shortly after the conference came to a close, Christ joined a Buddhist monastery. The monastery refused to comment. The Pope said today that he was saddened that the basis for his whole religion had joined another because of a homicidal rat. The groundhog's rampage began February second when he bit his handler, took a cop's gun and held some people hostage before stealing a police car and then driving down to Mexico on the wrong side of the road. He was apprehended by some slack jawed Texas ranger. Zion Hole is having an open house on Saturday.

The Groundhog, shortly before his first rampage

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