Dead Articles

Sometimes, articles die because they are stupid. Sometimes they die because no one will write them. Sometimes they die because National Liar is dead and we just can't accept it even though there hasn't been an issue out in months, but dialectically, at the end of every year it seems like National Liar is dead. Here's a look at some substandard or neglected articles.

Narc hunt— a geographic special. "The Hunt for the Illusive Narc." Perhaps some real information on narc hunting.

Clinical Tests as to what an honor student can do, but a dirtbag can't. Clinical Tests revealed that there was no way to tell the difference between dirtbags and honor student, especially since we used an honor student for both tests and I don't know if he had a pass.

Secret Dept. of Parks and Recreation documents reveal the real reason the Pilgrims left England. They were sex addicts. Who do you think invented puritan sex, adultery and hanging postmenopausal women? ThatŐs why they wear belts on their hats instead of their pants.

Winners and losers thing like in Newsweek, but sillier.

Republican Time Machine How they got pictures of the town center before they built it.

Where have all the NaziŐs gone? We found a Nazi.

A freshmen's guide to social cliques. A full page picture of a shot down a hallway with members of different social cliques standing around, labelled with some cursory information. It was stupid.

Agnes OŐbstreperous Movie Review: "Angus II," "Space Nazis" or something funny for a change. Needed the room for Hottie of the Month. Also, never saw Angus I.

Match the teacher or administrator to the twentieth-century dictator he or she most resembles. No one looked like Stalin.

Back in the Day, a historical Jello-shot. Man behind the moon. Needed the space for something less stupid.

"Goldstein's Jihad on us" How goldstein tried to destroy Natonal Liar and how he uses copies of the Constitution as toilet paper. He might have said it with a nod and a wink.

"What Football Players do in the off season." They live in holes like gnomes and eat achorns and ride foxes. No one cares.

"Litte Billy's Guide: The Construction." Little billy explains why half the buidling is walled off. New rooms include Little Billy's Throne Room, a Raptor Pit, Goldstein's Super Cloning Lab and lots of bathrooms. Too many Little Billy articles.

California Governor Grey Davis become the stoners' superhero to defend his state against the incursion of Dick Cheney's anti-drug shock troopers. Gray Davis has the power to fly and has commandeered one of the militaries secret THC-Bombs. Too convoluted. Took too much space to explain.

"The Real American Taliban" How the Board of Education is Like the taliban and how the MTEA is part of a mormon conspiracy. Stopped Caring.

All the crazy shit the administration does when TV cameras are around. They stop people from smoking and deploy their inflatable "clean school" facade. Breifly stopped smoking, then forgot about it, started smoking again, but still forgot.

The Campaign to Nuke Belford Virulent hatred of Belford abated.

The World Will End when all the Beatles are Dead. Yoko doesn't count.

Spicey Chicken is Made out of People! I like spicey chicken.

 

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