There are jobs in the world where people actually work 9 to 5

Authors: Cari & Al

Written: August 2007

* * *

There are jobs in the world where people actually work 9 to 5. They get business cards, corporate credit cards and 2 hour lunches. There are even some jobs where a water cooler is placed in a critical part of the building, where employees could stand around and discuss the previous night’s game or a date they were suckered into going to.

“What I wouldn’t give to have a job like that.” Tracy sighed and stared at the empty spot in the back room of Nate’s Books where, less than 12 hours ago, there sat a water cooler.

“Job like what?” The voice came from behind the door leading into the office. Tracy peeked around the corner and saw Raquel swiveling back and forth in Nate’s chair. The goth looked bored out her mind, and gazed at Tracy from under a thick layer of mascara.

“Oh, you know. A job where people actually appreciate you. And have water available to drink.”

“Doesn’t exist. Unless you work for yourself. And even that doesn’t work very often. Most of the time, those people end up hating their lives.”

“You’re cheery this morning. So what happened to the water?”

Raquel gave her a rare smile. “Shane said we were spending too much money on it. He says if we want water, we can go to the café and pay for it. Or hope that Denae is feeling generous.”

Tracy heaved a sigh and tossed her empty water bottle into a garbage can. She glanced wearily at the clock above the desk-she had 5 minutes before her scheduled time to start. She knew of jobs where people could actually clock in five minutes early and get paid for it. This was not one of those jobs.

“Are you on lunch?” She asked Raquel, who shrugged.

“Sure, why not.”

The back door opened and in walked Shane. He was a short man, about 25 or so, and resembled an ape with his knuckles dragging on the ground when he walked.

“Hey guys. What’s happening?”

Raquel sneered, and Shane pretended not to see it.

“What happened to our water cooler?” Tracy asked.

“Oh, didn’t we tell you? Nate, Betty, and I had a meeting Friday. Weren’t you there?”

“No, I was off Friday.”

“Oh, that’s right. Anyway, the staff was drinking too much water, so we decided we didn’t want to pay for it.”

Tracy stared at him quizzically. “Wouldn’t the fact that we’re using it imply that we need it?”

Shane look confused for a moment, then flashed on his goofy grin. “We have a drinking fountain.”

“That kids spit in,” Raquel added.

“Or you can get water from the café next door.”

“That Denae and Collin spit in,” Tracy continued.

“Unless they’ve gotten laid the night before,” Raquel finished.

“Shouldn’t you be working?” Shane snapped at Raquel. Shane had a hard time being wrong, and had a hard time when the conversation was anything but rated G.

“Sure, why not.” Raquel peeled herself from the chair and trudged out to help Joyce on the sales floor.

“How long was she sitting back here?” Shane asked Tracy.

Tracy set her purse down in her locker and shuffled around for her nametag. “I don’t know. I just got here.”

“Whatever. I’m going to run the info desk. I’ll put Raquel on registers, and I want you shelving. That cool?”

Tracy sighed. Of course it was “cool.” Shane arranged it the same way every shift. “Fine.”

Shane yanked his name badge lanyard over his head, and adjusted it neatly around his neck. “You’ve been clocked in for five minutes. You should be out on the floor already.”

Shane left. Tracy took her time perfectly arranging everything in her locker, straightening her wavy brown hair, and checking in the manager log to see if there were any new notes for her. She saw the water cooler note in Shane’s slanted handwriting that matched his slanted personality. It didn’t say anymore than what Shane had told her.

“Where are you?” Shane opened the back room door and shouted to her.

“Catching up on what I missed over the weekend.” Tracy slammed the notebook shut and ventured out onto the floor. She went up the registers to check the sales in the computer. Raquel leaned over the counter flipping through Star. Raquel loved melodrama, though she’d never admit it.

“Joyce told me Denae and Collin have broken up again. Big fight,” Raquel said. “She went next door to get coffee and Denae was sobbing that Collin spent the night at his friend’s house instead of home with her. He forgot to give her a phone message or something, and she was pissed.”

“What kind of phone message?”

“I think it was the vet calling about her cat.”

“Did Joyce get her water?”

“No, but she spent her whole break trying to calm Denae down. Her cat had three teeth pulled and kept running into things because the pain meds made her drowsy. The cat fell off the bed the other night.”

Tracy knew this couldn’t continue. She didn’t want to listen to stories about Princess Denae and Collin every time she got thirsty.

“Does Shane know you’re up here reading?”

“Does it matter?”

Tracy peeked around the tall bookcases to see Shane sitting at the info desk picking his nose as a customer browsed the section next to him.

“Nope, doesn’t matter,” Tracy answered.

“You know, I was thinking about the whole water cooler thing. What if we just strike? Show up tomorrow with signs and a chant. Like ‘Hey ho, we want water’-well, not like that, but you get the general gist. I think David’s pretty good with the whole making up of songs.” Here she cast Tracy a sly look, but Tracy didn’t notice.

“I’m not sure striking is the best idea. Especially since it would just be an excuse for you to not show up.”

Raquel shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

Meanwhile, a young man entered the store and walked straight up to Shane, who dropped his hand and offered a bright smile. “What can I help you find today?”

The kid glanced at a piece of paper in his hand. “Uh, yeah. I’m looking for…All Quiet on the Western Front. It’s for a class.”

Shane brightened. “Of course. That would be in our Western Regional section. It’s right over here.” He left the counter and led the kid to the section.

“Uh…are you sure?” The kid asked, glancing at the books about the Western United States.

Shane blinked. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’m the manager here.”

“Well…right…but…isn’t it about the first World War?” Shane blinked again and the kid hesitated. “I mean, I could be wrong, but-“

“OH! That book. I’m sorry, I thought you meant-yes, well, it would be in our military history section. Right over here.” He began to scan the shelves. The kid glanced at his paper again, totally confused, then glanced around the nearly empty store.

At the front desk, Tracy and Raquel watched this.

“Think we should help him?” Tracy finally asked.

“Nah. It’s more fun to watch him embarrass himself.”

Tracy shook her head and turned around, practically running into Steve. Steve was a short, stocky kid who had been hired a year ago. He had ambitions to become a manager someday, and did everything in his power to make anyone who was in charge notice him. This placed him in the category of being a major brownnoser.

“Hello Tracy. And how are you this fine afternoon?”

Tracy forced a smile. “All right.”

“So you heard about the water cooler.”

“You could say that.”

Steve offered a sickening sweet smile. “Well, I’m sure Nate knew what he was doing. To save the company money, you know. I’m a little surprised they didn’t think of it earlier.”

“Uh huh.”

“I can kill him for you.” Raquel hissed under her breath as she moved to the register to help a customer. Tracy gave her a brief smile and returned her attention to Steve.

“Well, I’m glad someone is on board with the whole thing. And may I just add that if you happen to get thirsty later on, the café is open to selling you water. But you should know that Denae and Collin have broken up again.”

Steve’s eyes widened and that’s when the idea hit Tracy. She knew how to get the water cooler back.

“Steve, have you noticed any problems with the merchandising in the store lately?”

Steve’s eyes flashed with joy at the chance to use his managerial skills. “Why yes, yes I have. I noticed the other day that—“

“Great. Let’s go in the back room and talk.”

Tracy glanced over at Shane on her way to the back room with Steve.

“I’m not seeing All is Quiet on the Western Front anywhere in the computer,” Shane told the frustrated customer. “It’s probably out of print. You can try to find it through Harvest book search or maybe online.”

Tracy sighed. “All Quiet on the Western Front is in fiction under Remarque. It’s also on our summer reading display.”

“I’d be happy to take the customer up there and show him,” Steve volunteered. “We have a lot of great classics if you like—“

“Thanks, Steve,” Tracy shut him up.

“Oh yeah, now I know what book you’re talking about,” Shane smiled. “Sorry, I got it mixed up with Satan in the White City.”

The customer was more confused than ever, and Tracy watched to make sure Shane headed to the right area of the store, which he did. Tracy considered trying to redeem the customer’s experience by ringing him up instead of Raquel, but Steve started practicing his sugary customer greetings out loud, and Tracy had to get him off the sales floor as soon as possible.

* * *

The meeting was set two days later for Wednesday. Tracy told Betty that there were some serious merchandising problems in the store that Steve brought to her attention, and she wanted to meet with the other managers to discuss ways of improving and training the staff on the proper techniques. She also told Betty that she didn’t want the constant interruption of the booksellers, so could they please have it at the café next door? Betty was delighted.

“What a great idea!” she squealed. “We haven’t had a manager meeting in a long time. This will be so much fun. I have some stuff I want to talk about to. Should I bring cookies?”

The stage was set. On Wednesday, Tracy came in for her usual shift.

“Is Nate here?”

Raquel didn’t even look up from her National Inquirer. “He’s in the back.”

“Great, I want to ask him—“

“Tracy, can you do me a favor.” Steve ran up to her out of breath. “I’ve had nothing to drink all day. Can you please go to Safeway or somewhere to get me something to drink?”

“Why don’t you go next door?”

Steve’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “Nuh uh. No way. I can’t go there. Denae and Collin are having their makeup fight.”

Tracy glanced at her watch. She had 20 minutes before the meeting started. She could run to Safeway and get a pack of water bottles, but it would be close.

“Yeah, I can do it.”

“Thanks. I owe you. Here’s five bucks.”

“That’s more money than I need.”

“Then get more water bottles with it.”

Tracy pocketed the money and turned back to Raquel.

“Queer, isn’t he?”

Tracy ignored the comment. “Tell Nate I’ll be back in time for the meeting. I’m doing a water run for the booksellers.”

Raquel flipped the page. “I don’t think he’ll notice. Shane is back there giving him a pre-meeting earful on all the evils of this place.”

“Perfect.”

Betty walked in with a giant plate of cookies in her hands as Tracy was walking out.

“Hello, Tracy. How are you today? I brought cookies. Do you like chocolate chip?”

“Fine. I’ll be back soon,” and Tracy hurried off as fast as she could.

Betty approached the counter, shaking her head. “That girl is always in such a hurry.” That’s when she noticed Raquel reading a magazine. “Isn’t there something you should be doing?” She glowered and Raquel looked up, and then glanced at the clock.

“Oh, yeah, hey, it’s time for my break. Thanks for reminding me. Hey, Steve, get up here!” She shouted to the back of the store. Steve appeared a few seconds later. “Watch the counter. I’m going to lunch.”

“But-“ Steve started.

Raquel didn’t wait for a response. She hurried out of the store and disappeared.

* * *

50 minutes later

“I’m going to kill him.”

Raquel looked up from her People: Hottest Men of 2007 magazine. “Miss your meeting, did ya?”

Tracy slammed the pack of water onto the counter, eyes flashing. “This is what I’m talking about when I say that I never get to be involved in anything that is of any great importance. I was gone 50 minutes-I hate the construction around here!-and did they wait for me? No. They had their stupid meeting, and made a whole bunch of stupid decisions…and more than likely, not even the one I wanted them to make by setting up the whole stupid thing!”

“You mean like the water cooler issue?” Raquel lazily turned another page, and wrinkled her nose. “Ew, who thinks Mathew McConaughey is hot?”

Tracy stared at her. “You mean you knew what I was planning with the water cooler?”

Raquel rolled her eyes. “Please, it was so obvious. You call for a meeting in the café, where Nate has suggested we all go to get our water, knowing that Danae and Collin have broken up again. The plan was to get them to drive Nate nuts enough to put our water cooler back, right?”

Tracy shook her head. “That’s not quite what I was thinking. Are Shane and Betty even here?”

“No, but there’s a plate of cookies in the backroom with your name on them.”

Tracy groaned. “Why do I work here?”

“What’s the matter with working here?” Steve appeared from the far side of the magazine racks. He looked between the two girls, clearly confused. “I mean, we have great managers--” Raquel rolled her eyes and Tracy wanted to hit him upside the head with the pack of water--“great customers, and the water cooler.”

“Wait-what?” Tracy looked at Raquel, who shrugged.

“Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. We got the water cooler back.”

Tracy was baffled. How had that worked? She was going to bring it up at the meeting, but since she wasn’t there, how had it been decided? She looked imploringly at Raquel. “So? You going to tell me how we got it back?”

“Let me tell her!” Steve pushed Raquel aside, his face grinning. “Shane told me the whole thing-it’s a great story!”

“It is pretty good.” Raquel admitted. “But I was actually there, so I should probably tell you.”

“You were there? At the meeting?”

“No, not at the meeting. I had gone next door on my break, and just happened to be there when the meeting started.”

“And when the meeting ended.” Steve accused, letting her know with the tone of her voice that he disapproved of the fact that she had taken longer than the required 10 minute break.

When Tracy raised an eyebrow towards her friend, Raquel heaved a sigh. “Yeah, OK, so I took a little longer. But to be fair, the meeting only lasted 15 minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes?” Tracy echoed. “Their meetings are never that short!”

“That’s because you haven’t heard what happened!” Steve cried eagerly. “I was watching the register while Raquel was on her break. Betty, Nate, and Shane left to wait for you there. I wanted Raquel to come back so I could talk to them about my merchandising ideas, but Raquel took forever and I was getting impatient. Raquel, you should’ve—“

“Stick with the story, Steve,” Tracy reminded him.

“Oh, yeah.”

Raquel rolled her eyes again.

“Anyway, I couldn’t see much, but I heard shouting and something slammed against the wall that separates our stores.”

“Denae threw a milk pitcher at the wall,” Raquel explained. “Collin called her a fat cow.”

Tracy stifled a giggle.

“I know, and she’s like pencil thin.” Steve shook his head.

“For a cow,” Raquel said.

“So then what happened?” Tracy prodded.

“I heard a bunch of shouting, I don’t know who it was. It was probably everyone at once!”

Tracy looked to Raquel for clarification, who shrugged. “I just wanted to finish my coffee. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“You noticed the milk pitcher fly against the wall.”

“That’s because it had steamed milk in it. Nate was soaked. I couldn’t help but notice him dancing around screaming words he wouldn’t allow us to use here.”

“I’m telling the story!” Steve butt in. “Yeah, so a few minutes later, I see Nate—“

“Wait,” Tracy interrupted. “You saw Nate?”

“Well, not really,” Steve admitted. “He was surrounded by Shane, Betty, Denae and Collin. I only got a glimpse of his waving arms.”

“Continue.”

“So, Nate drove straight to the water company, scared the heck out of guy at the front desk, and they loaded the water cooler back into the back of his Volvo. He backed it up to the door, honked the horn, and Shane had to carry it in by himself! I don’t know why they got rid of the water cooler. It was a bad idea. I knew we’d need it. If they’d have talked to me, I would have told Nate not to do it.”

“So where are they now?” Tracy wanted to know.

“Nate went home. Betty talked to Denae and Collin for a bit, then left, and Shane is in the back room. Careful, he’s in a bad mood,” Raquel cautioned.

“I didn’t get to tell them about my great merchandising ideas,” Steve frowned.

Tracy left the group and walked next door to the café. All that was left of the milk mess was a wet floor sign. The café was empty. The meeting must have scared all the customers off, and Denae and Collin weren’t at the counter.

“Hello?” Tracy called.

Denae giggled from the kitchen. “Oh, sweetums, how could I ever have yelled at you?”

“I’m sorry, teddy bear. Let’s never fight again.”

Tracy turned around and walked right back out. Some things are better left alone.