Yes, you should panic. The next bite of peanut butter could be your last. But don't panic. Let me explain first. You eat the peanut butter, it gets stuck to the roof of your mouth. So you do what you always do when this happens, you call your Aunt Willerina and ask her to come help you. But she's out of town for some reason. So you panic (like you should) and run out of your second-story apartment down to the street, bringing the peanut butter jar with you to point at in case you can't talk anymore. The next few things happen in a blur.. you drop the jar, kick it forward, run to get it, trip and fall down the stairs. Thankfully, your apartment complex has padded stairs. You fall into Carson Daly. Normally any other person would help you get up after you have fallen into them. But this is Carson Daly, entertainment tycoon. He gets really angry, starts yelling, and has his goons throw you in the back of his van. "Wow!" you think, "I'm in the back of Carson Daly's van!!" NOT SO FAST. He's a cold-blooded killer who doesn't take no for an answer. No for an answer to which question? I'm not sure. But when he asks it, you better not say no. So he takes you to a lake. THAT'S RIGHT.... a LAKE. His thugs take you out of the van, grab you by the shoulders, and make you follow Carson and them to a boat. They throw you in the boat, and start untying it. "Whuh ahh yoo twyih ta do??" you ask in a muffled voice. "What the hell did you say?" You point to the peanut butter jar, then your mouth. And they say "Ohhh you have peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth!! Why didn't you say so?" So they get you out of the boat, and help you wash the peanut butter down. "Thanks," you thank them, "what were you going to do to me?" Carson replies, "Oh just let you float around.. give you some time to think about what you've done. Hey you wanna go play poker? We need a fifth person." (Remember, he doesn't take no for an answer!!) "Sounds good," you reply. So they take you back to Carson's house to play poker. You're sitting at the smoky table with a decent hand. "Want a cigar?" Carson asks you. You start to say no thanks, then you remember he doesn't like no for an answer. But you don't smoke! What should you do? Take up smoking of course, it's the only way. "Sure." He lights you a cigar and hands it over to you. Yeah, that's right, you're now SMOKING. Didn't you ever wonder why Carson sounded so much like Carcinogen?? You do alright at poker, you make about 20 bucks. Then you go home (but not before you get Carson's phone number!! Yippee!). Over the next few weeks he and you talk on the phone several times. You really like him and it seems like he likes you. You two even go out on a few dates.. he kisses you at the end of the third one. But then you start to drift apart. You ask yourself, "Do we just not have enough in common? Maybe he's too busy? Did I say something to offend him?" Yeah, it's probably that last one. Anyway, you've started smoking cigarettes now. You live a pretty normal life. You get married and have a couple kids. You even win the Nobel Peace Prize. But then 3 weeks after you turn 94, you die of lung cancer. LUNG CANCER! And all because you got peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth. Maybe you will think more carefully the next time you eat peanut butter.
