Bringing back Anger Management, a new season, a new STAR in A.M.
Drivers walk in to a room where they normally hold drivers meetings. But this was not a typical drivers meeting. Every driver who walked in had pink slips in their hands. One by one, they show up, very confused and irritated.
Jeff Gordon is the brave one to speak up first.
Jeff Gordon: What is going on?.
Mr. Helton-Instructor: Glad you asked. Sit. All of you!
They do.
Instructor: Now. It�s been a while since I�ve had to do this and a lovely way to start our 2009 season! Gentlemen, or lack their of�this is our NEW Anger Management Class!
They all grown.
Matt Kenseth: But why are we ALL here? I just won the Daytona 500! I have places to be!
Kyle Busch: (sarcastically) Aren�t we special?
Instructor: Shut it, Kyle! You aren�t thought very highly among you peers so I�d be careful!
Dale Jr: Yeah!
Instructor: Jr, I�d stay quiet too. We�ll get back to you soon enough! What am I gonna do with you boys?
Tony Stewart: Yes. What are you we gonna do with you guys?
Jeff: (confused) Tony, why are you standing next to Mr. Helton-Instructor?
Instructor: I�m glad you asked that, Jeff. (laughs a little) I can�t believe I�m saying this but Tony here is my sidekick. He will be my Co-Instructor this week.
All: WHAT?
Tony: It�s so weird being on this side of the coin this time. (warning) Don�t make me use my left hand today!
Instructor: (to Tony) Ok. Don�t make me regret this, Smoke!
Tony: Yeah, sorry. Force of habit.
Instructor: Fine. (to everyone) Who wants to start this session?
Kyle, Brian Vickers and Denny Hamlin raise their hands.
Instructor: Yes. Kyle.
Kyle: (stands) Yes. What the hell were you thinking Jr?!
Dale Jr stands.
Dale Jr: I�ll tell ya what, Kyle! Let me show�
Instructor: (interrupts) I�d be careful there, Jr.
Dale: (sighs) Fine.
He sits.
Instructor: What is this fire I see in you, Jr?
Jr: I�m tired of being the nice guy. I�m done losing.
Instructor: Good. But just know your limits, k? I do not want you to be the star in this classroom. But since Kyle asked; What were you thinking?
Jr: Vickers was blocking me and I wasn�t havven it!
Kyle: So you take out the entire field?!
Jr: You should talk! Boy, don�t even get me started on you! Look it was an accident, K. Geez! Considering all the shit you start�
Brian Vickers: So now you are gonna finish it? My ass it was an accident! Yeah! And I�m the richest man in the world!
Tony: You don�t realize it Bri, but you just burned yourself.
Sporadic laughs among the drivers.
Matt: (not caring) Yeah. But why are we ALL here today?
Instructor: You�ve all had your screw ups. I want all of you to realize I mean business with these meetings. But normally these things turn into a comedy act...
Just as Mr. Helton says that, Kevin Harvick continues tapping on the back of Greg Biffle�s chair.
Greg Biffle: (turns to Kevin) Would you STOP that!
Kevin Harvick: (still tapping) Stop what?
Greg: This! (demonstrates on Kevin�s shoulder)
Kevin: (warning) DON�T touch me!
Instructor: (sighs) Oh, for heaven�s sake!
Greg: (ignoring the Instructor) Maybe try that method on the track!
Kevin: Want me to?
Instructor: What is the point? (looks at Tony for help)
Tony: (catching the hint; yells) Quiet!
Silence.
Tony: You guys treat this as a joke!
Robby Gordon: You should talk?
Tony: What was that, Robby?
Robby: Oh�Did..I say that out loud? Whoops.
Tony: Look. Yes. I did have my �fun� but I did take Anger Management Classes seriously and I DID learn a lot. Yes, I, sometimes lose it but being a co-owner and driver, I�ve learned the control has to be better handled. This class is not needed for all but I think, Mr. Helton wants everyone to learn here. So stop screwing around! Go ahead, Mike.
Instructor: Thank you. Now that I can begin this session.. If there is anymore spinning others, rough drafting, not only will you be fined and black flagged, I will consider parking you too. I feel like I have to continue repeating myself here. I do not want payback on the track. If you have a problem with another, take it outside NASCAR premises. (pauses) I know I�ve said that before.
.
Tony: Yes. You have, and I said something like so we should kick each other off the track?
Instructor: Yes, you did. And no you should not. Also note to Jr, do not state your threats on the radio either.
All: (robotic) Yes, Mr. Helton-Instructor.
Instructor: I think I am having deja vu all over again.(sarcastically) Now we are off and running..
Flipping thru his book.
Instructor: Ok�next order of business�
Ryan Newman: (stands) Can I say something?
Instructor: Go ahead, Ryan.
Ryan: This has been a shit week for me.
Kevin: (quietly) That�s gonna cost ya..
Ryan: (to Kevin) I don�t care. Tony. I�m glad that we are friends and teammates but this better not happen all season.
Tony: It won�t.
Ryan: Good. Then why are my cars crap?
Tony: It�s because you have to get used to a Chevy.
A moment.
Kevin: (to Instructor) Aren�t you gonna charge him?
Instructor: No.
Ryan: What?
All: What?!
Instructor: You�ve had a tough couple of weeks. I�m gonna give you a pass... this time.
Ryan: Wow. Thanks.
Everyone talks over each other.
R.G./Kev/Kyle: What?/How is that fair?/No way!
Jr: Where is my refund?
Jeff: Yeah! You gonna pay us all back?
Instructor: (over everyone who is yelling) ENOUGH! I swear it�s like you guys get younger every week! (louder) New rules! Listen UP!
Silence.
TO BE CONTINUED�
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