PART ONE:
Bringing back Anger Management, one we have an off week and two, well, it�s high time!
Instructor: Well, it�s been a long time coming for this class to resume. I�m ashamed to say., lessons have not been learned. So now we REALLY have to tighten the leashes. First order of business... roll call.
Tony Stewart: Seriously, do we have do this AGAIN?
Clint Bowyer: Apparently, since you are the media whore again.
Everyone: OOOOooooo!
Tony: Better shut your trap, rookie.
Instructor: Ok, guys, cool it!
Ryan: You�re the main reason we EVEN have anger management, Tony.
Tony: Should I take you fishing again, Ryan?
Carl Edwards: (pointing at Tony) YOU are in great need of this class, dumbass.
Instructor: You ALL are in need of this class!
Jeff Gordon: Why me?
Matt Kenseth: Don�t make me laugh, Jeff.
Instructor: (throws the book in the air) Screw roll call.
Robby Gordon: (laughing) He�s rubbin off on ya, Smoke.
Tony: (warning) Watch it. I ain�t done with you either!
Robby: See, you need anger management.
Tony: And you need to go back to driving school!
Clint: (to Tony) More like YOU need to go to driving school, you can�t keep your damn car straight!
Tony: Hey Rookie, you�re lucky it wasn�t worse!
Matt Kenseth: At least he didn�t take you out at 190 MPH!
Tony: I thought you and I were good.
Matt: Yeah, sorry. I guess I�m just pissed and since you seem to be the center of the attack. .. I�m sorry.
Instructor: What are you mad at Matt?
Matt: �Cause, Jeffy, here should get a book of the �bump and run� and how to do it the RIGHT way!
Jeff: Matt, that was an accident!
Matt: Yeah right. Who here thinks Jeff paid me back for the Bristol spin?
Everyone in the class, even the Instructor raises his hand.
Jeff: (shocked) Mr. Helton-Instructor?
Tony: How does it feel, Jeff?
Instructor: C�mon, Jeff. How can you argue that? In your interview you said you�d do that again.
Jeff: (defensive) I did not!
Instructor: We have the transcript. You also said that Tony should expect that, too. Right there sounds intentional.
Tony turns his attention towards Jeff again.
Tony: What was that?
Jeff: (feeling the room close in.) I just said that if you were in Matt�s place, since I owe you one and we were going for the win, I wouldn�t think twice about it.
Tony: Oh, ok.
Instructor: You aren�t gonna strangle him, Tony?
Tony: Hey, as I said before, if he wants to get into a crashing war, his choice.
Dale Jr: Why am I here, again?
Instructor: Because you are on the outside looking in.
Dale Jr: What?
Instructor: Points.
Dale Jr: Ahh. So?
Instructor: Since now that I can begin the lesson. If there is anymore spinning others, not only will you be fined and black flagged, I will consider parking you too. I do not want payback on the track. If you have a problem with another, take it outside the premises.
Tony: So you are suggesting we kick each others asses on off weeks?
Instructor: I am not suggesting any of that but if you have a problem with a guy, do it on your own time and no where near NASCAR grounds. Understand?
All: Yes, Mr. Helton-Instructor.
Instructor: Good. Now, next order of business. We are going to Indy so I expect you all to be on your best behavior.
Dale Jr: What if someone like Skinner takes me out again? Do I have your permission to kick their ass? Since I would owe them?
Instructor: No.
Tony: What if they spin you on pit road, can you beat the shit out of them?
Instructor: No.
Kasey Kahne: How about if we're on the last lap and we get spun? Can we chase them down and do the same?
Instructor: No.
Jefff: So, what can we do?
Instructor: Leave it to NASCAR to deal with them.
Tony: (sarcastic) Oh goodie.
Matt: Like NASCAR did justice to Jeff for his actions in Chicago?
Instructor: We felt at the time, it was a racing accident.
Matt: And now?
Instructor: It stays the way it is.
Matt: (under his breath) Yeah. Justice done.
Tony: Oh, that reminds me. Jr, will you thank Mikey for repaying Ryan?
Dale Jr: He�s not my teammate anymore, remember?
Tony: Oh yeah. I guess I will have to catch him later.
Instructor: So next order of business...
Tony: How much shit do we have to go through today?
Instructor: Thank you, Tony, for being a perfect example of my next lesson. Language. We are going to monitor your radios more than ever before.
Tony: Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me?!
Instructor: No, I�m not, by the way, that just cost you 5,000 dollars.
Tony: Whatever.
Robby: Hey, Tony, are you sure you didn�t move back to Charlotte?
Tony: Shut up.
Instructor: ENOUGH!
Tony: Did you just yell at us?
Instructor: I can�t believe I can�t have one single session without you guys acting like 5 yr olds.
Carl: (pointing to Tony) He started it!
Jeff: (leans into Carl) Great example.
Instructor: What was that, Jeff?
Jeff: Nothing.
Instructor: Anymore outburst. Anymore finger pointing. It will cost you. Got it?
Everyone: Yes, Mr. Helton-Instructor.
Instructor: Good.
Instructor: Any thing else?
Jeff: Uh, yeah. Hey, Jr, do you not know how to bump draft at Daytona? Is that why DEI isn�t dominating there anymore, because you lost the 'zone'?
Dale Jr: Hey, Jeff. Ever consider frickin� winning without frickin� controversy?
Tony: (giving Jr a high five) Nice one.
Instructor: That�s it! All you report back here first thing tomorrow morning!
Matt: But tomorrow is Saturday.
Instructor: (pissed) I don�t give a damn! I guess you won�t be able to sleep in till 11. I expect you back here tomorrow 8 sharp. DISMISSED! PART TWO:
Per request and hell I just enjoy doing these anyway...
Instructor: Ok, it�s 8 o 'clock! Where the hell is everyone?
Clint Bowyer: Did you just say a bad word?
Instructor: Clint, I know you are a rookie and all but �hell� is not a bad word. And where is Tony?
Carl Edwards raises his hand.
Instructor: Yes, Carl?
Carl: I know where he is.
Instructor: Care to share that information?
Carl: I can�t.
Instructor: Why?
Carl: Well, you see he um, told me that if I told you where he was, he would uh, put snakes in my car.
Clint: So that is what he meant when he said I better check my car?
Carl: Uh, no. For you, he has other plans.
Instructor: Ok, Carl, why would he put snakes in your car?
Carl: Because I accidentally and I mean accidentally stepped on Mo's tail.
Jeff Gordon walks in right when Carl confesses.
Jeff: You stepped on his monkey? That is cold.
Carl: Hey, it was an accident. I swear! You know me, I wouldn�t harm an animal on purpose.
Instructor: So, he said he would put snakes in your car?
Carl: No, he said that he would IF I told you where he was.
Instructor: Ahhh.
Jeff: I�m surprised he didn�t kill you. He cherishes that thing.
Carl: Tell me about it.
Instructor: Alright, where is Jr?
Jeff: I know where he is.
Instructor: And let me guess you can�t tell me, right?
Jeff: I can.
Instructor: Ok.
Jeff: I won�t.
Instructor: Why?
Jeff: Because we don�t tattle on each other. This isn�t kindergarten.
Instructor: Could�ve fooled me.
Robby Gordon finally walks in.
Instructor: Nice of you to join us, Robby.
Robby: Where is everyone?
Instructor: Late. What is your excuse?
Robby: I don�t really have one.
Instructor: So why are you late?
Robby: (checks watch) I�m ten minutes late? Damn. Will that cost me?
Instructor: Oh yeah!
Matt Kenseth finally walks in.
Matt: Why did we have to meet at 8 on a Saturday?
Instructor: And good morning to you too.
Matt: I�m not in the mood.
Jeff: Yeah, we�ve noticed. What is up with you lately?
Matt: You!
Instructor: Ok, cool it! We are going to have a special guest today.
Jeff: Oh, goodie. Who?
Instructor: You will soon find out. So let�s see, the absent so far are Tony, Jr, and Ryan?
Matt: Wouldn�t it be funny if they were all playing poker together?
Jeff/Carl: Shhhhh.
Instructor: (yells) WHAT? They are playing poker, while we are having an anger management course?!
Jeff: Great going Matt. Now you set him off.
Instructor: (continuing on his rant) I can�t frickin� believe this shit! I waste MY Saturday, teaching YOU pain in the asses...
Jeff: (interrupting) Hey Mike.
Instructor: (yells) What?
Jeff: You forgot that they were scheduled to be on Mikey�s Poker Showdown, huh?
Instructor: (calmer) That�s this week?
Carl: Yeah. Didn�t you find it odd that they didn�t argue with you yesterday?
Instructor: Now that you mention it... Whatever, as I was saying...
Darrell Waltrip walks in the trailer.
Robby: Is this our special guest?
Instructor: Yup!
DW: What�s up boys?
Carl: What are you doing here?
DW: I�m here to teach you guys a lesson.
Jeff: You are going to teach US?
DW: Yup!
Robby: What are you gonna teach us? How to say �Boogity, boogity, boogity�?
All the guys laugh.
Instructor: Rubby..(shakes his head) er Robby, (to himself) Man, what is with that? (to Robby) Go to the chalk board and write �I will not talk out of turn again.�
Robby: Are you kidding me?
Instructor: No, I am not! I am so sick of you guys! So now I am leaving it to DW, to keep you guys in line.
Robby goes to the chalkboard.
Robby: How long do I have to do this?
Instructor: Till I get back.
Robby: Where are you going?
Instructor: Add this to your message. �I will not ask stupid questions!�
Mr. Helton-Instructor walks out.
DW: Now, I�m sure we all know why we are here.
Everyone: (flatly) Anger Management...
DW.: Well, let�s show a little more enthusiasm...
Matt: Why am I here? I didn�t go and shove anyone, unlike someone I know!
Jeff: Oh, my god! Let it go, man.
Matt: I owe you, Jeff!
Jeff: Oh you do, huh?
Matt: Yeah! I do!
Jeff: (louder) Oh, you DO, huh!
DW: Ok, let�s not jump all over each other...
Matt: (matching Jeff's tone) Yeah, next chance I get!
Jeff: We'll see about that!
Robby: Damn, Jeff, you have turned into your own evil twin. Are you freaking out that you won�t make the chase AGAIN?
Jeff closes in on Robby.
Jeff: (shoves Robby) Hey! At least I have a chance! Will you ever amount to anything?
Robby shoves back. DW walks over to intervene before it gets out of hand.
Kevin Harvick walks in.
Kevin: Wow!
DW: (to Kevin) Hey Rookie! Come help me out here!
Kevin: Nah, Jeff is doing me a favor.
DW: So, you are just gonna stand there?
Kevin: No.
Kevin walks over to the action.
Kevin: I�m gonna stand here and watch.
Matt, Clint and Carl laugh.
Mr. Helton-Instructor comes back with another person.
Instructor: (after seeing the chaos) What is the hell is going on here!
TBC PART THREE:
Instructor: I said, what in the hell is going on here?!
Jeff stops attacking Robby, gets up and walks over toward Mike and guest.
Jeff: Hammond? What are you doing here?
Instructor: I brought Hammond here, to join us for a game of poker, since my class doesn�t...(Mike stops and looks over at Robby, who is sprawled out on the floor.) Jeff, what in the hell did you do to Robby?
JeffG: What he deserved. So we�re gonna play poker instead of being lectured?
Mike walks over to where Robby is slowly getting up. He helps Robby to his feet.
Instructor: Not exactly. (looks over at Jeff) Why did you beat up Robby?
JeffG: I wouldn�t call a punch to the gut beating him up but, he was pissing me off, like usual and I have wanted to do that for so long!
Instructor: (glaring at all the other guys) And all of you just stood there, watching this happen?
All at the same time: Pretty much!/Yeah!/He had it coming!
Instructor: (lecturing) You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Now, Jeff, apologize.
JeffG: (coldly) Sorry.
Hammond: So are we still gonna play?
Instructor: I don�t know. Maybe I should put them all in time out? I swear they are worse than high school kids. Bunch of barbarians. So, if I let you play poker, are you gonna go beat the shit outta each other if you lose?
All: No Mr. Helton-Instructor.
Instructor: Ok. Robby. Are you feeling ok to join us?
He nods.
Robby: But keep Jiffy Pop, here away from me!
Matt snickers.
JeffG: Shut up, Rubby!
Instructor: (glaring toward Matt) Ok. Jeff, you sit over here, next to me. I guess I�m gonna have to keep an extra eye on you. What has gotten into lately, Jeff?
JeffG: Nothing. Let�s just play alright? (He sits next to Mike as told.)
Hammond: Wait. We have nine people here. How are we going to play? One of us will have to sit out...
Jeff/Matt/Kevin: Robby!
Instructor: No! No one will have to sit out. We have three more people coming any minute now.
Matt: Who?
Just then Tony, Jr and Ryan walk in.
Clint: But I thought they were in Vegas?
Instructor: Nope, there plane couldn�t take off, due to weather, so they had to ground the flight. And since they are just as much in need of this class. I told them to report here immediately.
JeffG: Boy, I bet they loved hearing from you.
Tony: Now, this is what I call a party! (looks over at the group and ends his gaze on Robby who was sporting a new black eye) Wow! Walk into a door again there, Robby?
Robby: (glaring) Yeah. And that door was Jeff.
Tony: Jeff did THAT to you? Jeff, I had no idea you had it in you.
Instructor: (looking over at Jeff) You told me that you hit him in the stomach.
JeffG: Well, yeah. That too.
Jr snickers.
Ryan: Remind me to never mess with you these days.
DW: Ok, now we can play. Sit down boys! I�m gonna teach you a few things.
Clint: So that is what you meant? You�re gonna teach us Poker?
DW: You got it rookie!
JeffG: Do I need to remind you all, I was on Celebrity Poker Showdown?
Tony: Oh, you were? So, you musta hit the loser lounge in the first hand, huh?
Ryan/Jr/Robby/Matt: BURN!
Tony; I�m just teasing. Let�s go. Might I remind you all that I WON on Mikey�s Poker Showdown?
Jr and Ryan roll their eyes.
Tony: I saw that! Prepare to give me all your money!
Instructor: Uh, we aren�t playing for money.
Tony: Well what are we playing for? If we are playing for Pepsi, I�m out.
He starts to get up.
Instructor: No. Sit down.
He does.
Instructor: We are playing for points.
All: I�m out!
They all get up.
Instructor: No. ALL OF YOU SIT, NOW!
They all obey.
Instructor: When you win a hand, these chips (he reveals the chips) will buy you back lost points. For example, Jeff, you lost 25 points for shoving Matt, so you can slowly work your way back onto my good side by doing this.
Tony: (whispers to Jeff) Better forfeit now.
Jeff: Are you trying to start something with me?
Instructor: Enough. Look, it�s either this or back to the sit in the corner for time out. I figured we�d make this more worth all our while. So what will it be?
All: Poker!
Instructor: Ok, let�s get started.
Ok, you know the Jeff fans are gonna hate me. I guess the excuse I can come up with is, I changed Jeff in for his evil twin? LOL. PART FOUR: Previously in AMC...
Instructor: That�s it! All you report back here first thing tomorrow morning!
Matt: But tomorrow is Saturday.
Instructor: I don�t give a damn! I guess you won�t be able to sleep in till 11. I expect you back here tomorrow 8 sharp. DISMISSED!
Instructor: I brought Hammond here, to join us for a game of poker, since my class doesn�t...(Mike stops and looks over at Robby, who is sprawled out on the floor.) Jeff, what in the hell did you do to Robby?
JeffG: What he deserved. So we�re gonna play poker instead of being lectured?
Mike walks over to where Robby is slowly getting up. He helps Robby to his feet.
Instructor: Not exactly. (looks over at Jeff) Why did you beat up Robby?
Tony: (whispers to Jeff) Better forfeit now.
Jeff: Are you trying to start something with me?
Instructor: Enough. Look, it's either this or back to the sit in the corner for time out. I figured we'd make this more worth all our while. So what will it be?
All: Poker!
Instructor: Ok, let's get started.
=============
They are all playing poker when the entire class goes silent.
Instructor: (to himself) Finally peace and quiet.
JeffG: I have a confession to make.
Instructor: (to himself) Spoke too soon.
Matt: That you actually have an evil twin?
All the guys laugh.
JeffG: (seriously) No. But close...
All the guys are silent again.
Jeff Gordon grabs at his face and starts pealing off a mask. Who he reveals as is Greg Biffle. Everyone is in shock.
Jeff Gordon wakes up gasping for air.
JeffG: Holy shit!
The clock alarm goes off so he gets up.
Meanwhile at Anger Management Class..
Instructor: Ok, it�s after 8 o �clock! Where the hell is everyone?
Clint Bowyer: Did you just say a bad word?
Instructor: Clint, I know you are a rookie and all but �hell� is not a bad word. And where is Tony?
Carl: Late. He probably won�t show. I hear he is very lazy about this stuff.
Tony shows up at that moment.
Tony: That�s what you think. Might want to shut your trap while you have a chance, Flipper.
Instructor: Ok, cool it! Good morning, Tony. Nice of you to join us, at least some of you are capable of following through and showing up. Grant it twenty minutes late. Just don�t make it a habit, ok?
Tony takes a seat farthest away from both Clint and Carl.
Instructor: Tony. Do you by chance know where your other friends are?
Tony: I�m not their keepers so...no. Who are you expecting?
Instructor: Well we are missing, Robby, Jeff, Matt, Ryan and Kevin.
Matt: No you�re not. I�m here. So scratch me off the list.
Instructor: Ok, well where is...
Ryan: Ryan is right here. Not by choice.
Tony: Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?
Ryan: No, but you will if you don�t stop being a jackass!
Instructor: Enough! God, can�t you guys ever get along? Where is Robby?
Robby walks in out of breath.
Robby: How late am I?
Instructor: Plenty. Sit! So Kevin and Jeff. Well they will be fined if they don�t show in the next twenty minutes.
Tony: So what do we do in the meantime?
Instructor: Glad you asked. How about the incident in Pocono.
Jeff and Kevin walk in at the same time. Kevin takes a seat next to Tony while Jeff lingers at the entrance staring off someplace. Mr. Helton-Instructor notices and is the first to speak up.
Instructor: Jeff? Are ya gonna join us?
JeffG: (shakes his head) What? Oh. Yeah.
Instructor: What�s up? You look like you've seen a ghost.
JeffG: Oh, um, no, I�m fine.
He takes a seat in-between Carl and Clint.
Instructor: Okay, now that we are all here. Why don�t we talk about the last couple of weeks. Does anyone want to get anything off their chest, since we are here?
Carl raises his hand.
Carl: I have something I want to ask.
Instructor: Ok, go ahead Carl.
Carl: (looks over at Tony) Why did you spin out Clint? And collect me in the process?
Tony: Haven�t we been through this already? You being involved was a complete accident. Why don�t we talk about how you intentionally spun me on pit road? I mean to do it after the race is one thing but while in competition. You could�ve hurt someone.
Carl: I was mad and I know that was wrong to do but at...
Tony: (interrupts) So was your brain too slow to comprehend the stupid?
Carl: Hey, wait a minute!
Instructor: Stop it now! This is not what this is for!
Matt: Then what is this class for?
Kevin: I thought this was our chance to vent out our frustrations...
Robby: I thought we were here because we did something that NASCAR was against...
Clint: I have no idea why I�m here.
Tony looks at him like he is crazy.
Instructor: Ok, fine, for this particular class. You can say whatever you want that is bothering you about what NASCAR does, or a competitor�s doing.
Matt: Are you sure you want to release the hounds like that?
