Last Updated: 8-21-05
You might be addicted to NASCAR if...
(Author Unknown)
If you wake up in the mornin to a alarm clock that says "Gentlemen Start yer engines" with a motor sound behind it.
If you refer to going to the bathroom as a "Pit Stop".
If you have a number painted on the side of yer car/truck.
If you put a yellow stripe on the back of yer teenagers car. .
If you have a conversation with any "normal" person an no matter what number they say you can name the driver.
If you only drive down one way streets so you can make a tight left turn.
If you time your self at the gas station against another person filling up yer tank.
If you consider yer Sunday Best to be a racing suit.
If you are in the store and "bang" another shopper with a cart so they dont pass.
If you log on to chat on the internet and yer handle is anything like Wub2Race or LooseIntheCorner.
If you buy 4 new tires when you have only one flat.
If you have ever told a ex-girl/boy griend they didnt "Qualify".
If you are 1st at a stop light in traffic an you look around and think you're sittin on the pole.
If you tape the races and watch it more than one time after that.
If you are at a race and know what the lingo is on the scanners.
If you name your baby after any driver and use Dale as the middle name.
If you know all of the states and towns names of where the tracks are.
If you pass somebody by while walking an in yer mind think "lapped him".
If you can remember the date of Daytona at the start of each season but not yer wifes/hubby birthday.
If you tell yer children they have been black flaged when they get in trouble.
If you can name the year and track of regular drivers 1st wins and not remember yer wedding anniversary.
If you have gone to a auto parts store and asked for the window tear off film.
If the doors on yer car/truck work fine and you still crawl in and out of the window.
If you go to Wallmart�� once a week with yer spendin money and buy NASCAR �� related stuff.
If you save yer extra money for tickets to a race instead of a vacation every year.
If you have the NASCAR.com or RacinPortal.com website as yer home page on the computer.
You run out of gas and try to explain to the cop (who's giving you a sobriety test) your weaving from lane to lane was just and attempt to get fuel into the pickup.
When you have an accident, the first thing you try to do is pull off the steering wheel. The next thing you do is blame Robby Gordon.(It's not always his fault...)
You're sitting behind someone at a red light, and when it changes, you yell, "GREEN! GREEN! GREEN! GO! GO! GO!"
You time yourself on your wrist watch when you pull into the self serve gas n go.
On an interstate exit ramp you stay on the outside to keep the RPM's up.
You make sure to stay under 55 when you leave the gas pumps.
You say "But officer, I wasn't tailgating, I was drafting"
You consider slower cars in the left lane as "lapped traffic"
Before traffic begins to resume regular speed on the highway, you find yourself weaving side to side warming up the tires to optimal tempature.
You can't wait for next year to see what Soap powder your favorite driver has as a sponsor because the one he's got now keeps giving you a rash.
You drive for 2 hours out to the nearest Valvoline Quik Lube.
While explaining to the officer why your car is smashed into the interstate ramps guardrail, you explain: Well, the (your work)/ (your last name)Family Chevy was running great today. That blue Ford got in behind me, loosened me up , I drifted high and the next I knew, I was in the wall, but......I don't blame the other driver, heck, what can I say....that's racing!!
You've ever pushed little kids to the ground at Toy-R-Us to get to the Racing Champions cars first.
You rearrange your diecasts to match the grid during cautions.
You have a mini winners circle for your dicasts.
You get caught stealing the lifesize cut out of your favoritie driver from the local convience store.
You refer to the family mini van as the "team hauler"
You hit the car in front of you, and tell the officer "Rubbin is Racin!"
You've ever seriously considered putting an "onboard camara" in your car.
You plan family vacations around race dates.
When you pass someone on the highway you refer to it as taking them on the inside.
You take your 4yr old son with you because you need a spotter.
You sign up for flu shots (at work) on Fridays so you can fake sick in order to get home in time for qualifying.
After riding behind the same two dumdums riding side by side for SOOOOOO long, you decide to make it three wide down the front stretch, and pass them in the emergency lane ( after looking, of course)
Your buddy is passing someone on the interstate, you're in the passanger seat yelling, "CAR HIGH!!!....CLEAR!!!"
You can get 12cans of Mountian Dew, 4quarts Gatorade, a bag of chips, and 8 sandwiches into a 14" cooler and NOT squash anything.
You think nothing of getting up at 4am, driving for 5 hours, sitting in a traffic backup for 3 hours, baking in the sun, spending 5 hours to get out of the parking lot, driving 5 hours home, getting up the next morning at 5am, going to work on 3 hours sleep, and telling everybody what a GREAT time you had!
If you have said, "That's me!" to atleast half of the above!
Dale Earnhardt Jr, Jeff Gordon, Kurt Busch, and Rusty Wallace were all on a plane headed to a Pocono. Rusty told everyone
the plane was about to crash "get out the parachutes", problem was there were only three.
Jeff said, "I should get to use a parachute because I've won four championships and just bought a new team"! So he jumped.
Kurt said, "I am Nascar's smartest driver, I can solve problems and I got a race to get too!" so he jumped. That left
only Rusty and Dale Jr.
Rusty said, "You should go with the last parachute because I've lived longer than you and you definitely have the better
sponsor."
Dale Jr said, "That's O.K. Mr. Busch just jumped out with my backpack - we both have a parachute!"
TOP 10 LAWS OF AUTO RACING
(Author Unknown)
10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel
left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps
down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!
Did you here about Jeff Gordon? He's going to be replacing Ryan Newman in the #12 car.....When Brooke said she was taking half of everything, she ment it!
How can you tell when a Gordon fan is going to say something intelligent? He starts out by saying "Earnhardt once said......"
On afternoon a little boy was running away from home when a cop spotted him and said, "Hey little boy, what are you doing?" The little boy replied, "I'm running away from home." The cop asked him, "Why are you doing that?" The little boy replied, "Because my dad beats me." The cops said, "Oh, well get in the car and I will take you to your mother's." And the little boy said, "No, no! She beats me too!" The cop said, "Do you have an uncle?" "Yes, but he beats me too", replied the little boy. And the cop said, "Get in the car and I'll take you to your grandmother's then." The little boy said, "No, no, no! My grandmother beats me also." The cop said, "Well little boy, is there anywhere I can take you where nobody will beat you?" And the little boy said, "Take me to live with Jeff Burton because he can't beat anybody."
Greg Biffle was out jogging one evening. He slipped on a damp bridge and hit his head on a rock in the ragging, icy river below. Three kids saw it all happen. They jumpped in to save him. When he came to, he said to the children, "Boys, you just saved Greg Biffle. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first kid said, "I'd like a ticket to Disneyland." Biffle said, "I'll take care of it myself." The second boy said, "I'd like a brand new bike." Biffle said, "I'll buy it myself and give it to you." The third kid ask, "Will you by me a wheelchair with a built-in stereo?" Biffle said, "Yes, I'll go get it... Wait a second, you're not handicapped." The kid said, "I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning!"
Q:Why did Tony Stewart break into a FORD dealership?
A:He wanted to know what the back of a Taurus looked like.
Q:If Kurt Busch, Buckshot Jones, and Todd Bodine were in a boat and the boat sinks, who would be saved?
A:Half the cars in Sundays Race.
Q:If Kurt Busch is mad at you, where is the best place to be?
A:Victory Lane - you will never find him there!
Q:Why didn't Dale ever hit the wall?
A:Because it didn't have a number on it.
Did you know Tony Stewart is changing to a Ford next year - yep, his doctor said he needed to slow down.
Did you hear that Matt Kenseth and his crew got busted for drugs?
Yeah, they found coke, crack,and heroine -- but they couldn't find any speed.
Jeremy Mayfield went to the doctor. The doctor told him he had two weeks to live. Jeremy, in astonishment, asked. "WHY?" The doctor replied, "I'v been watching you and you haven't passed anthing in weeks."
Did you hear about the new Jeff Gordon virus on the internet? You download it and your computer crashes!
Did you hear that they gave Kurt Busch a job with the North Carolina Cable Company? Yeah, they figured that would be the only way they would get Kurt to sit on a pole!!!
Two good ole' boys were getting ready to cross U.S. 58 in order to watch the Martinsville race, when a funeral procession slowly passed in front of them. One of them suddenly stopped, took his hat off, and placed it over his heart. After the procession passed, he put his hat back on and the pair continued walking to the track. As the two were in the stands, rooting their drivers on, the other guy said, "You know, I've known you for 35 years, and I've never seen you have that kind of respect for the dead." The other guy replied, "She was a good wife."
Did you here they gave Dale Jarrett keys to all the race tracks? That way he can lock up when he gets finished.
MORE TO COME SOON!
No harm was ment by these jokes. I'm not bashing the drivers, I like most all of them myself. They are just for humor.
Got any CLEAN NASCAR jokes?
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