Garth Lowinn was once again on the steps of the NRMH. Smoke curled lazily into the still air from the cigarette in the corner of his mouth. Strange, he was thinking, how pleasant the days were, with the evil that's stalking the city. Bliss was smiling as she walked up the steps. "Ya know, all that smoking can not be good for you, Garth...."
He smirked, "Maybe not, but who cares?"
"I do, or I wouldn't have said anything," Bliss shot back, a look of mock-severity on her face.
He chuckled. "Get that look off your face, Bliss. It's so unattractive."
"Since when do I care about being attractive?" she laughed.
"Oh yeah, you have a fiancé now ... my mistake."
"What's that got to do with anything?" she asked, faintly insulted. "When have I ever worried about being attractive? Hell, I've always been surprised when one of you males noticed I was female."
Garth looked away as he exhaled. "Gods, Bliss ... I was only ... ah, forget it."
Having reached the top of the steps where he sat, she leaned down to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I know, you were only kidding. Please forgive the hormonally short temper."
"You're forgiven." He took another drag off his smoke as he wondered aloud about the dangers lurking throughout the city.
"Danger's off my dance card for the next few months," she turned toward the hospital doors. "... and I can hear the gelatin calling my name."
Garth grunted. "You people spend entirely too much time in the cafeteria."
Bliss turned back to face him. "What else am I going to do with my evening, Garth? I can't race anymore, or hunt, or do anything remotely dangerous. So I come here for a cup of tea, I visit patients, study, or just talk to folks in the cafeteria."
"You need something to do? I need a driver."
"Sorry, Garth ... I'm not in business right now. I told you, I'm not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore."
"I'm not stupid, Bliss. Just a normal delivery."
The discussion went on from there, Garth tried to alleviate what he thought was Bliss' boredom, she not believing there was anything like a 100% "safe" job. Tempers flared, the friendship truce called between the former lovers started to crumble. "You obviously haven't noticed, Garth, how hard I'm trying not to cringe every time I look at you." She didn't have to mention why. Her rape at the hands of Garth's clone had had everyone hunting Garth's head for awhile.
He turned, blowing smoke off to the side again. "I don't watch for every little change in the people around me."
Bliss looked at the hospital doors; considered just going home, her mood shot. She muttered, "I hope Mik's home when I get there. At least he notices things...." Garth's eyes flashed, but he remained calm as Bliss continued, "We always got along just fine. Okay, there was a bump here and there where we disagreed ... but nothing like it is now."
"Maybe it's because our disagreements are too many to be navigated properly." He shrugged, tight grip on his real feelings. "Just an observation."
"What real disagreements do we have?" Her hands came to rest on her hips. "We don't really disagree on political points or in assisting people..."
Garth lost it. "Dammit, Bliss!" He stood, tossing his smoke over the rail. All the months of hurt welled up, every instance of having to look into Bliss' eyes and know that he'd never hold her in his arms again. "Stop analyzing the situation! I'm sick and freaking tired of you analyzing our relationship like it's some blasted engine that needs to be rebuilt. Why don't you just go home and hope that Mik," he practically spit the name, "is there to offer some measure of comfort to you?"
Bliss backed away a step. He had hurt her again, and she was amazed by it. "I thought you'd grown beyond this, Garth. I apologize for trying to analyze our relationship and try to repair what's wrong with it." Her tone was deadly calm. It was her way of masking the hurt.
He turned red. "Stop apologizing! Derell be damned, Bliss!" He turned away, reaching for another smoke. It was too hard to marshal his thoughts while looking at her. "I'm sick of your apologies as well. This isn't some black & white situation that 'I'm sorry' and a happy face can repair. I tried to put it all aside ... tried real hard. I was doing fine, just fine, and you went and opened your mouth. 'At least Mik notices things.'" He spat, then lit his smoke, seething at the constant reminder of how a former colleague now had everything he'd lost.
"I told you, that remark wasn't meant to slight you in any way. if you choose to be insulted by it anyway," she shrugged, "I can't help that." She was truly mystified by Garth's attitude. She'd gotten over it, after all.
He shook his head slowly. How could what she said and how she said it be mistaken for anything less than slighting him? Garth did not understand her attitude, either. "You may not have meant it intentionally, but you said it ... so some part of you meant it as an insult. You can stand there and argue to the contrary all damned day, but I am far from stupid. I mean, do you seriously believe that 'I'm sorry' or 'I apologize' makes everything all right? That it mends all the broken pieces of a person's heart and soul?"
"No, I know that 'I'm sorry' doesn't mend things, even when it's a heart-felt apology," she recovered the step she'd lost. "I know from experience that it doesn't. But it's all I have to let you know that I didn't mean to bring you any pain. It's not like I intentionally thrust it in your face, or intentionally say stuff I know is going to hurt you, which is something you've been guilty of doing on more than one occasion."
He cursed hard and turned his back on her. "You just don't get it." Everything she said was, of course, right and everything anyone else did was wrong. She could insult, call it a mistake and apologize and expect him to immediately not be hurt. Should he say something wrong or hurtful, that was unacceptable and unforgivable.
"Don't get what? That I should be engaged to you, that this should be your baby I'm carrying, and not Mik's?"
Garth stood and headed down the steps, out into the cold, chaotic night. Finally she got to the heart of it and he couldn't discuss it anymore. As he passed Bliss he muttered, just loud enough for her to hear, "You're damn right."
===
Mik hadn't been there when she got home that twilit evening. But two days later he was there. He was 'home' far more often than before. Ever since the Church had pulled back to their own little corner of the world, leaving the City and Sabattann to it's people and the returning Freemen, Mik felt his life settle into a logical, forwardly progressive, effective, positively proactive routine. The Garrison had swiftly been re-established. Outposts were remanned and patrols were routine along the Sabattann/Kermaddikk border. Despite the losses the Legion had suffered, reinforcements had been on the move since the Freemen had pulled out of the City over a year ago. Rearrangements, reshufflings, new 'recruits' -- he felt a pang of sorrow thinking about that -- and promotions had set the Legion straight and true in surprisingly short order. And the Major said we couldn't organize... he laughed softly to himself.
Today's "routine" had him at home -- yes, home, God how that felt good -- playing with 'Deonn before Dinner.
Bliss was hiding, from Mik, from the world in general. Of course, with her, hiding consisted of being in plain sight but working on things. Right now she was 'organizing' the bedroom closets that didn't need any organizing. She'd already finished moving stuff around in the nursery and chances were she'd do it again before the end of the day. Some would say she was simply suffering from that 'nesting' syndrome that many pregnant women go through but anyone who really knew her, would know she was hiding in work.
"Da," 'De said as they fiddled with an alphabet puzzle made of carefully shaped pieces of plastic to look like a phlupp ... 26 pieces, letters on one side, numbers on the other so there was a numbered phlupp and a lettered phlupp if you turned it over. Gideonn reached for a piece that Mik had in his hand and gripped it with little fingers trying to pull it away.
"You want this one?" Mik smiled, laying on his stomach to be on his son's level, his booted feet crossed. When he'd come home, the boy had toddled up to him, the puzzle in a bag and demanded, "Play!" Mik hadn't bothered to take off anything but his jacket and gun before dropping to the floor and letting play ensue.
"Da!" Deonn demanded.
"Say 'please'," Mik told him. But Deonn didn't want to say please, he was having fun building the phlupp, numbers up, and he just wanted the next number. He tugged. Mik wouldn't let go. "C'mon. Say 'please'."
The boy grunted, tugged harder, got up on his knees and tugged with both hands. Mik was smiling, but he could see that Deonn was starting to get frustrated. "It's easy, Giddy, he said," and let his arm go forward to where the boy cradled it against his chest and tried to pry the piece out of Mik's fist. "Puh LLllll eeeeeez" he exaggerated.. it wasn't that the boy didn't know the word it was a matter of teaching politeness, the beginnings of the tenets and then too, Mik was being stubborn.
'Deonn was grunting and gasping and tugging and getting upset. Mik didn't want him to get angry or cry... but he wanted to hear the word. Up til now, they'd been playing and laughing and Mik was doing most of the talking. Suddenly it just turned into something completely different. 'Deonn got so frustrated that he bent his head down and bit into Mik's thumb. Surprised, he immediately let go of the piece the boy wanted and 'Deonn tumbled back -- as Mik said, quite loudly, "OW!" Then in surprise: "Gideonn!" -- and hit his head on the floor.
She'd taken up a lean at the doorway to the bedroom, watching the battle of wills. Dinner was nearly done, her nose told her that so she'd wandered out of the bedroom to spy this little struggle over a puzzle piece. Her eyes grew as wide as saucers when De bent his dark little head and bit Mik's thumb. "Gideonn, I thought I'd taught you better then that." Her voice didn't raise above normal but there was great disappointment apparent in the tone. "Are you okay, Mik?"
Mik scooted up and over to 'Deonn who was sniffling a bit. His little lower lip quivered and Mik's brows were drawn together as he looked over at the doorway and to bliss. That little thrill that always ran through him when he saw her tickled up his spine. "I'm okay. Good teeth though, the little trokk," and he looked back to check on De's head. "H'bout you, huh?" He slid one hand under the boy's head. "You okay, Giddy?" He tickled a little at his tummy, hoping to avoid tears. "That little bump didn't hurt, right?"
"Dinner is nearly done cooking." It was a cassarole full of nooodles and vegetables. "I'm okay, love. How's our little 'Deonn doing?" She moved towards the pair at a slow gait. She wanted to let Mik handle the boy, be the daddy without her getting in his way. If he only knew how adorable he looked settled on the floor with De. Just the sight had lightened the load she felt she was carrying on her shoulders. "Does Momma need to kiss anyone's boo-boos?"
De was valiantly trying not to cry, but he was huddled against Mik's chest and when Bliss said that they both looked up and with dark hair in their eyes and intent gazes said, "Yes, please," together. Even though De's came out sounding like "peas."
Then Mik grinned. "I knew you could say it," tickled the boy again and smiled proudly to Bliss. "He gets kisses first."
"I don't know about you two, such rough housing over a puzzle." Her smile showed she was teasing them both. Folding her legs under her, she came down beside Mik, bending to that she could plant little kisses on De's forehead and cheeks. "My little treasure, De." More kisses followed along with a little tickling poke. Then her attentions turned to Mik and a kiss was placed on his thumb, then his cheek. "Both my sweethearts, wounded. What will I do?"
De giggled, squirmed and was away to finish the puzzle -- young enough still to enjoy Mama's kisses. Mik encircled Bliss in his arms. "Love us, that's good enough," he told her. Then: "You sure you're all right?" He eyed her carefully, tugging her into his lap in place of De.
The snuggling was automatic, so was the sigh of contentment that escaped her as soon as she was wrapped in his arms. "I do love the both of you to pieces." She nuzzled his neck. "And don't worry none about me, love. I'm just having a bad week and I think the hormone shifts aren't helping me any." She really didn't want to burden him with her lack of control of the situation.
"You can talk to me about anything, everything that upsets you, Bliss." His voice dropped to a whisper as he nuzzled her neck and murmured into her ear. "I love you. That's why I'm here... what I'm here for." He knew she'd been upset enough to creep away from their bed in the night to cry and it made him ache that she was hurting. "You're incredibly strong, my love, but there is nothing you have to suffer through alone." An even softer whisper. "Nothing."
Her arms covered his. She watched 'Deonn, engrossed in his puzzle. "Don't want to keep whining to you when I can't handle things. Granted, I'm making a mess of everything again but I've...I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm doing everything wrong." She sighed, her voice growing soft. "I was seriously thinking of packing up and taking the boys home to Haven." It was running away but it was all getting to be too much for her.
He held her a while before speaking, organizing his thoughts and trying not to just fix things by offering immediate solutions. That was the hardest part of being a man in a relationship. In the past, he'd never had to care about a woman's problems. He liked caring, very much. He wanted to help the right way. I'm meant to listen to you whine, if it's whining. That's part of being one person with you. There's no other woman in the world that I want that with." He kissed her cheek softly. "If you think taking a trip to Haven is what you should do, I can't tell you it's a bad idea. With the season changing, the boys would love it. I want to come too ... " the 'but' lingered in the air. God how he wanted to go with her and the boys if they went.
"But you have to stay here and work with the legion and Ric." She already knew the 'but'. "Besides, I already talked to the two older boys and they don't want to go unless we all go and that means you and Ric...the whole family." She set a kiss on his cheek. "I love you and I'm sorry I'm messing stuff up. I don't know how I'm going to keep out of the way when Ric comes back here to live while he recovers."
He wasn't sure Ric was coming back to the Firehouse. He hadn't asked or poked around in Ric's head for that information. "We feel we need to finally come clean with the men. If his relationship with Roan is going to work, I think she needs to be able to declare that she is Mrs. Gideonn." He looked into Bliss eyes. "I'd like to be able to have you make the same claim -- though I am still concerned about the boys... and this little one." His hand slid over her abdomen, resting there lightly.
"We look so different now ... " he mulled. Then, softly, "Did Ric say he was coming here to live after he gets out?"
Her hand came to rest a top his. "I told him I'd gotten everything ready for him if he and Roan wanted to come here and be with the family while he healed up. We're only two blocks from the hospital so going for therapy and check ups will be easier. I've got equipment set up so he can do his therapy here too plus we repaired the freight elevator in the back so it won't be hard for him to get around from floor to floor." In fact she'd worked quite hard to make the firehouse habitable for Ric. "I think he's coming here if I don't mess it up. You two should be together. He mentioned you two telling the men and I made him mad by not having any input other then to say I'd believe it when I saw it happen and that I thought you two should do what you thought was best." She sighed again. "I guess I was supposed to get all thrilled or something, I don't know." Her dark eyes gazed into his lovely grays. "It's not like I don't want to be able to say to everyone who I'm really married to but it's no big thing to me if I can't. I'm used to hiding those I love from the world at large to protect them."
"Does it make you angry? That we'd tell the men ostensibly and essentially ... 'because of Roan' and not because of you?"
Her head shook, she'd hadn't even given that any thought. Her voice was a whisper. "No, I know Roan is different from me. I don't need the same things she does. I figured you two were going to do it because you wanted to. You had discussed it before."
He nodded. "That's why I'm doing it. I don't know if Ric would if there weren't ... emotional considerations... even pressure - a man in love does a lot of things ... " he waved his hand encompassing things, watching Gideonn at play while he did, then sighed. "I was tired of the lie long ago. And Ric's best point was that now, we look so different from one another that he can't be me anymore. Mikkaill Gideonn joins the ranks of the simply mortal." He gave a soft laugh.
"He is going to walk again, you know. He doesn't believe it, you might not believe it but he will walk again." She sounded so terribly sure of that, as if it where already fact. "Just a matter of time. I don't care if I tell people I'm married to Mikkaill Gideonn or Mik Darkk, either way it's you and that makes me happier then even Roan could understand."
He gave a small shake of his head and looked down at how her hand fit over his. "I don't know if Ric will walk again. It almost doesn't matter, love. What matters is that in the now, the present of how he has to deal with life, he can feel useful, contributing. If he walks again, thank God. I want that. Deep inside, where things twist in my gut, I want that. I want him healed, right, able to leap off buildings again. But it's Ric who matters, not what you or I believe or want, no matter how much we want it. He needs us to want him just the way he is, to show him that's all right. He can be Ric with no legs and we won't insist he be anything else. I am sure... " he took in a deep breath, "that when the time is right, if he's meant to walk again, he will walk. For now.. I have to meet him where he is, so he can feel complete... just where he is." It was a lot to say and he ducked his head a little, feeling the faint rumble of his stomach reminding him he'd not eaten since well before dawn.
"He is complete to me, still my same old Sparky but I don't think he believes that and every time I'm together with him and Roan I mess things up. Upset Roan and I don't mean to." She felt that rumble. "Oh dear, I felt that. Guess I'd better feed you before you expire on me."
He grinned. "I won't expire yet, but food would be nice." He ran his hand through his hair. Then toyed with hers, reluctant to let her go just yet, no matter what his tummy urged.
The hand over his gave a light squeeze. "Between messing up with Ric and fighting with Garth, I'm having a bad week." She reached out and ruffled De's hair. "It's all getting too much for me."
"How do you mess things up? I know that Roan ... 'needs'" And that was just what he meant Roan "needed" everything. "I only hope Ric can be what she needs otherwise I don't think he can deal with another failed relationship. It wouldn't be his fault, but he'd think that. He always does." He was going to ask about Garth, but he wanted to know first what she thought she messed up. "I don't think you mess up... you really think you do?"
"Yeah" Her bottom lip quivered. "I do. I'm used to keeping Ric up to date, appraised of what is going on when he's not around. I'm used to speaking my mind or my heart with him and I can't do that anymore because of Roan. I tell Ric hat Siena is back, Roan freaks out ... and I've ruined their evening. I try to explain what I'm feeling to Ric, Roan gets all depressed and I've ruined their evening again. I try to give them space to cuddle because I know they both need that and I still manage to screw up because they take it as me being uncomfortable with their relationship as a whole." A sniffle was covered with a soft cough. "Roan is my friend, Ric is my best friend, pal... what ever you want to call it. I could deal with losing Roan, as cold as that sounds, but it would kill me to lose Sparky...and I feel like I am."
He cuddled her close again. Food could wait. This was very important. "Baby, you're not going to lose Ric. He loves you. But he loves Roan on a different level. I always thought, deep down, that he loved you like I loved you -- and I was jealous for a while. But it's not like that. If you lean on me a while... I know I'm not Sparky, but I can listen and try to be what you need ... then that could give Roan space. I know it's hard to back pedal - I know too that she needs room to be ... his woman. To not feel threatened, I suppose. You and Sparky knew each other better long before I knew you like I do now. He'll still be there for you Bliss, when he can do that and not hurt this woman he's come to love so much."
"I've been trying to do that, love. I don't visit as often as I want, I don't poke my nose in their business. I try to keep things to myself until I can talk to you about them but Ric takes it wrong. Like I'm abandoning him, like I don't want him because he can't walk. As if I would care that he has to use wheels." A hand balled into a fist. "I'm sorry I didn't sit down between the two of them that night and make them behave until you got here."
Mik held her, didn't try to get her to ease away from her feelings becasue she had every right to feel them just as they were. "He'll come around. He'll understand that there are some things you have to do, to preserve your friendship. If he doesn't now, he will soon." Then gently he asked, "Do you wish they hadn't fallen in love?"
"I'm glad Ric has someone to love and who loves him, I just wish it was someone a bit more stable. I adore Roan, but she's a bit of a clingy flake when it comes to men." She was entirely too honest for her own good. "Let's say I wish they had gone slower. I'm so afriad their relationship is going to implode at some point and what that will do to Ric."
"That makes her one of those women who needs to know her man loves her more than he loves any other woman. Aren't all women that way?" He tilted his head. "And if you can be so sure he's going to walk again, love, you can be sure that if she leaves him, or he pushes her away, you and I will be there for him. I'm afraid of seeing him hurt again ... I wish she hadn't gotten pregnant ... gods... " He closed his eyes. So much at once for Ric.. so very much. "That too."
Her face smushed up in an almost comical way. "Damn but that pissed me off to no end. She knows how to prevent that but she's as fertile as a phlupp. So now they are getting married, having a baby, being a family." She paused. "I'm really not this petty...I'm not. It's just too fast. It's not fair. I had to wait so damn long for you."
Whisper quiet, he said, "It was ... irresponsible. She knew better, so did he. I'm sorry, love. Ric's always been faster than me." Then he grinned a very rakish grin. "But I last a lot longer." He cleared his throat, nuzzled her hair. "Sorry ... couldn't resist." Pushing her hair bak over an ear, he said, "You have me, you know? And I'm not leaving, ever... and you've got me forever. I promise."
That brought a smile and a giggle. "I'll take your word for since I have never experienced Quick Draw Ricoh." A shiver passed through her. Somehow he always knew the right thing to say to make things more bearable for her. "I'm going to hold you to that promise cause I'm never letting go of you. I'm never going to leave you, took me way to long to get you."
He brushed his fingers over her cheek, stared into her invitingly dark eyes, so deep he could get lost in them forever -- and would. "I want to watch the lines form, Bliss. Here," he touched the corner of her eye with his lips, "and here," kissed the corner of her mouth. "To grow old and wise with you... to watch De's children play in Haven ... nothing's going to stop that. Not ever."
Perfect that is what he was. A joy filled smile spread over her face. "I couldn't have picked a husband more perfect for me then you are, if I'd taken ten years to do it. So, considering I picked you within five minutes of deciding not to shoot you, I think I did rather well." A hand smoothed over the side of his face. She tried to picture wrinkles, graying hair on him but the images wouldn't come. Her voice was a whisper. "You are always going to be so perfectly beautiful to me, no matter how old we grow together."
He smiled broadly, nibbled her ear and said, "It was the size of your ... gun... that impressed me," while the single, snow-white hair that had snuck it's way into being over the last year got tangled with a lock of black. The lock fell forward from his right temple as he toyed with nibbling on her ear and neck. "There is no one more beautiful than you, my Bliss." He planned on showing her how beautiful she was... after dinner.
