Shad entered the lobby from the elevator, dressed no longer in hospital garb but in his own 'threads.' He still carried a cane, but he wasn't relying on it. He blinked and glanced about warily before walking, compellingly to the lobby entrance. He could still feel the injuries from those weeks back - back when he tried to free Erin Daria, a member of the Union of Medics, from the clutches of her kidnappers. There were no scars on the outside now. They were all inside.
Erin Daria, nursed scars too. She stood on the front steps and looked up at the doors. She chewed on her lip, chewed herself out. Why was it so hard to just walk in? She asked herself. What was the problem? Okay, just walk in. You've been here before. And so she did, right into the lobby. Her hair fell into her wild and wary eyes.
She thought she saw the familiar lines of Shad's body, but when she blinked, there was no one to be found. Oh gods, I'm losing it again. She turned and went back to the sliding doors, almost running into the big Syrynykk known as Sirronalia.
"Oh. Sorry." She blinked up at the syrynykk.
"Hello, little one. We appear to be clogging the door, here," Sirronalia said as he moved up the steps and into the lobby. He took a quick glance around the room to see what he could see. Erin backed up, making room the large syrynykk. She mumbled an apology.
The blue-haired girl known as Aliyah made her way up the steps and into the lobby just behind Sirronalia. Her hands were in her pockets and she sported a bit of color in her cheeks. She smiled to Erin and slid out of Erin's way. Sirronalia settled into a tripod stance, safely out of the way.
"Hi, Ali," Erin said. She took up a lean against the wall.
"Hi Erin," Aliyah said, looking around.
"So why were we standing the doorway, little one?" Sirronalia asked Erin, who had pushed off from the wall moved to the front desk. She had to find out her schedule.
"I think I was leaving," Erin said.
Shad shook his head and tried to shake some night phantasms. It was the high pitched screams he heard, not within the hospital but outside, that woke him up. In a blur, he was on his way out. Cane be damned. Shad skidded to a stop when he saw Erin.
Erin felt eyes on her first, then turned to stare, eyes wide at Shad. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Shad's expression mirrored Erin's. Shock.
"Shad?" Erin's voice was soft. In her head, a whirl of emotions and not many of them good.
"Y...y...," Shad nodded, in a daze. He closed his eyes for a moment before daring to look at her. "Uh, yeah."
Sirronalia knew Erin was lost to him then. He turned to Ali, who watched Erin and Shad for a moment. "How are you, little one?"
"Oh, I'm good." Aliyah said.
Shad didn't feel good. He felt the blows from that night once again. The blows and other memories showed on his face and made Erin take a step back.
"Oh gods." She gasped.
Shad bowed his head and frowned.
"Shad, you are Shad, right?" Erin pleaded and shook her head violently.
"Aye," Shad said. "Shadow."
Erin gave a little high-pitched laugh. "I thought - you - for a second..." Her voice trailed off. Maybe I should just take myself up to Psych and save some trouble later. Shad forced his eyes to open, to gaze on her. He understood the madness all to well.
~*~
Sirronalia and Aliyah finished up their small talk. Aliyah went off for coffee and Sirronalia, prepared to depart, promptly ran into Myrrinn Jannierr, Sinlarshh of the Y'tallish Province in Perdoxx and former Union of Medic's head nurse. The diminutive woman blinked up and gave the Syrynykk a half grin.
"Well if it wasn't just the person I was looking for," she said.
~*~
"Are you okay?" Erin whispered, then concentrated on breathing deep. In and out. In and out.
"Truthfully?" Shad said. "No."
"My fault. All my fault," Erin said, nodding her head and still whispering.
"It never was." Shad took a step closer to her. "I failed."
"No, no. You don't understand." Erin took a step back without realizing she did so.
"You were targeted because of me," Shad said. To Erin, it seemed Shad's features changed again.
"Why?" She squinted at Shad.
"I don't know. Because of something I did. But I don't remember." Shad took a breath. "Completely."
"Why did you do it?" Erin asked.
Shad blinked. "It just happened. Whatever it was. 'He' said I destroyed them all. What they were."
"No, no. You - made me - wait." Maybe if I sat down things would be clearer, Erin thought. "It wasn't you, was it?"
"Not me," Shad said, shrugging his shoulders. "Someone else."
"They made me forget things. I'm sorry." Erin held her face in her hands.
"I somehow changed him and others," Shad said. "The one, he returned the favor."
"While I was away..." Erin hesitated despite Shad's nod of encouragement. He was listening intently to her.
"No, I can't do this right now." Erin's voice grew stronger, and she gave Shad a half-apologetic smile. She actually looked like the old Erin. It made Shad smile and forget the past. Things were as they should be, if only for a moment.
~*~
"You were the last to be seen with Dorriann," Myrrinn said. "And having quite a lively discussion as I remember. Any idea where it is that he might be?" She chuckled. "He was supposed to finish some things." Myrrinn offered no explanation as to what 'some things' were. She was enigmatic as always.
"He's not at the embassy?" Sirronalias nictitating membranes slid over his eyes.
"Not unless he arrived since I left," Myrrinn said, shaking her head. "I came straight here."
"He's not in there." Sirronalia jerked his thumb over his shoulder pointing to the hospital lobby and beyond.
"He still had the package with him the last time you saw him though?" She arched one brow.
"Wouldn't tell me what's in there, though," Sirronalia said.
"No. No, he wouldn't." Myrrinn couldn't help the chuckle. "The time is not right just yet. Though soon. Things are almost finished.
"You sound like a shaman," Sirronalia said. His observation elicited a derisive snort from his smaller companion.
"That is so me," Myrrinn said, her tone dry.
Sirronalia's tongue lolled out. "The time is not yet right." He didn't care if he misquoted her.
"You heard me." She resisted the urge to play with his tongue.
"So I did."
"When things are finished, then the time will be right. And yes, it has to do with what is in that package he had." She said, heading off that question before it was asked.
"I guess we should find this package then, shouldn't we?"
"It might be a good idea ... I am just glad he did not deliver it early ..." Wickedness appeared in her eyes, dancing like mad.
"Humans." Uttered in 'Nykk.
She uttered it right back at him. Fingers flexed against each other in her gloves and she gave the big lizard a wink. "Shall we try and locate the man then?"
He shrugged� so she knew 'Nykk. "I suppose it would be wise of us."
"I can make my visits later ... first, I need to be sure that he didn't screw anything up." She stifled a laugh, knowing that was unlikely on his part. "Shall we then?" She stepped back with a sweeping gesture towards the street.
He bowed low, tail cocked at a jaunty angle, and made his way to the street. And off they went in search of the illusive man. Gods knew what they might run into.
~*~
Erin kept looking at him and kept her thoughts to herself. "We'll need to talk. I just can't do it now. I'm sorry."
"I understand," Shad said.
The stoic two words made Erin sigh. "Not sure you will understand what all happened."
"Aye, I understand, yet, I don't know why," he said.
"Shad. It wasn't your fault. Know that, ok?"
"But..."
"It wasn't. You didn't do it." Her voice grew stronger, firmer.
He sighed, sinking in for a moment. Then as she spoke, he rose up more. "� Really."
He seemed to be trying to reassure someone... himself?
"Really." She closed her eyes again, that other face was intruding into her mind again.
"He didn't fail. At the least."
"I failed you. He made me forget. And I let him do it."
"Let him?" Shad looked at her curiously.
'I couldn't stop him, anyway. Maybe if I tried harder."
"You didn't fail... you tried as hard as you could. I tried to save you, but failed... again. The cycle repeats."
"Wasn't hard enough. No, you didn't fail. You all got me out, didn't you?" She looked over her shoulder suddenly. A shadow...
"Even that may have been planned... I don't really know." Or care?
"I don't...think I'm exactly...right yet." She frowned slightly.
"Makes two of us." Shad smiled gently. "Except I never� haven't been quite� myself for a while."
She laughed again, and the laugh still didn't sound quite right. "We could both hang out in Psych." Then the laugh died out. "But...maybe you'll get better soon..."
"Nah, I've always been shattered, just been able to hide it well."
"And I made it worse."
"Just exposed a truth."
Az slipped into the lobby, glancing at Erin and Shad. "A reunion," he said, thoughtfully.
Shad glanced at Az for a moment, frowning uneasily. Erin glanced over at Az too. Tried to say hi, but it wouldn't come out. Az nodded to Erin.
"What's your business." Shad said, his words to Az clipped.
"My own of course..." The man responded. "But it may be of interest to you."
Shad asked Az to explain and he indicated that there was an old associate of his who might be able to help Erin with her problem. She told him she didn't want her head messed with again and Shad backed her up on that. But she couldn't help asking what this friend of Az' might do. He told her how his friend could help clear up her mental fogginess.
Shad hoped for a moment that he could be helped as well, but Az told him it was too late for that for him and wouldn't be of any use. As if to prove his point for him, Shad spaced out a moment on Az and Erin. Erin accused Az of doing something to Shad but it became clear that Shad had done it to himself.
Feeling suddenly ill, Erin put a hand to her forehead and looking between the men, said, "Think I need some water... something..." Together they went to the cafeteria. Az' entrance was casual and he fixed himself some tea while Erin drank down a glass of water with trembling hands. Then she turned on Az.
"If you can't help him, then leave him the hell alone. Got it?"
"I am helping him."
"How?" She poked a finger into his chest.
"He's answered some of my questions. Which only leads to more."
"That's the way it is," Az told her.
Erin was thinking maybe she was already crazy. Az was claiming he helped Shad reveal truth in his life for purposes that are private, Shad said. "Selfish reasons." Erin muttered into her water glass. "A game for him to play." Apparently she was correct in this, Az admitted to it and that he made no pretense about noble goals. " Play with him, like that Cultie play with me. For fun."
"I just do what must be done. Like Shadow here." Sure, it was consented. Everyone plays games. Games of deception and manipulation. And no one cared who it hurt, but they claimed that their victims brought it on themselves. Everyone else's fault.
Az seemed to find it amusing that she was so upset. She called him several names and he laughed because it wasn't the first time he'd been cursed at. It wouldn't be the last. Shad accused him of not caring and he looked thoughtful about it as Erin said, "He doesn't."
"Correct," Az said. Upon which declaration, Erin aim a slap at Az. Though he turned quickly enough to defend himself, he did not and let her hit him. The blow jarred her whole arm. She actually looked surprised that she'd done it.
He just gave her a weary look, appearing far older than he seemed. That's all he did for what seemed like an eternity, dark eyes staring into hers.
"Oh my gods..." And she turned away.
Shad asked Az why he let her hit him, when he'd managed to escape worse blows than that. Az insisted that there was no harm done. That was the trouble. She'd wanted to hurt him and said so. Then she looked around the cafeteria and turned to walk out.
Before she left, Az asked her, "How did it feel? To finally strike back?'
"It didn't feel like anything." She sighed. "Just empty."
"It just happened didn't it?" Az asked, prompting her to think.
"Yeah. Just happened."
"Like a void... like me," Shad murmured.
Then, an odd look on her face, she turned back to Az and walked up to him. "Want to know what other stuff 'just happened' these past few weeks? HUH?"
"If you want to tell me."
"No need to tell. ::Every word had bite. She shoved up her sleeves, revealing the scars along her forearms and wrists. "Can show you just as easily."
"The worse ones are inside." He told her, with no sarcasm in his voice, just coolness.
"I did these. You don't think that makes it worse?" She tugged her sleeves back down angrily.
"Shad?" Az prompted again.
"What?" But Az said nothing and Shad closed his eyes. "I've scarred my own mind."
Erin turned to Shad. "See? It is worse. And I helped, didn't I?" With that, she walked out of the cafeteria, not looking back.
"No� Wait..please," he called to her.
She was halfway out the door. "What?" She said without turning around.
"'Don't blame yourself for my..." He shrugged. "I was like this before. I did it all myself, before you."
"I said I would help. That I'd be there for you. And it wasn't enough." She turned her head briefly, a quick glance back.
"I promised the same to you."
"You tried." Her eyes were burning. She just wanted to lie down, curl up somewhere.
"So did you. We both made an attempt."
"I betrayed you," Erin whispered.
"Betrayed?" He didn't see that.
She sighed. "I'm sorry." The conversation of the others in the room went on quietly, unaware of the struggle Erin was having.
"Don't be. What happens will." Shad simply stood there. Erin turned around and faced him, surprised. Then, a small smile came and went. She walked up to him. "You're a good man. Whatever happened before... you�"
"Decclan?" he asked.
"No." Erin sighed. "Not Decclan."
"You know, don't you? Who it was." She certainly couldn't say it.
"The one who brought the chaos?"
"No. No, that wasn't what I meant." She let out a breath. People were coming and going from the cafeteria and she hardly noticed. "So damn tired..." They discussed things that would have made little sense to anyone overhearing, like remaking their memories if they could. If it was even a sane thing to try to do. Az finally said that the woman he knew could help Shad, but not in the same way she could help Erin.
"Then get him the help Az." Erin told him. "Just do it."
"I'm prepared," Shad said. There might have been hope in his voice.
"As you wish," Az said.
Feeling faint relief, Erin told them, "I think...I'm going home now."
"I'll contact her." Az half smile was one of faint triumph.
"Home... mind if I walk along?" Shad asked Erin.
Erin bit her lip, then nodded. "Maybe. Yeah, ok." And she headed into the lobby, unable to look at Az again, even to say goodbye. She knew Shad was with her.
~*~