Twas A Chocolate
Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies
that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored
in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs
would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle
and I in chin straps
Had just settled down
to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed
to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox
then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look
of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge
to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa
with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy
so luscious and slick
I knew in a second
that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa,
those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly
but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman,
on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout
from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales
to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds;
now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant
from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging
from too much excess.
My droll little mouth
and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed
like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word
but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy
then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger
beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom
I turned.
I eased into bed,
to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed
I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again
as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve...
'til I take that first bite!"
Christmas Index
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