12 Days of Cajun Christmas
Day 1 - Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night
with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow
in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 - Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was
2 scrawny pigeon.Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 - Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating
dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs.
Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux.
Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4 - Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four,
what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to
Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to
the gators.
Day 5 - Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden
rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to
fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the
Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6 - Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg
sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they
eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at
eating cockroach around da' house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose
with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.
Day 7 - Dear Emile, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole
Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem
bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff
and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some
stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to
you tomorrow.
Day 8 - Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to
deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da
alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids,
me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey
say it wasn't in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin
all dem nutria I caught las night.
Day 9 - Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron
Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou.
As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know
what dat means but I says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or
nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too
snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10 - Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill
you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street.
Dey said they be ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of
dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a
water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute
le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Day 11 - Dear Emile, Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping
arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat.
We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're
having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and
he's having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done
jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen
to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don't open it.
Day 12 - Dear Emile, Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love
anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head
piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou.
The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and
the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da' maids have
no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my
trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million
dollars next year.
Christmas Index
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