for Winter Visitors to the Southern States
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop
when Yankees cross states such as North Carolina, South Carolina,
Alabama, Georgia and Florida those states' Tourism Councils have adopted
a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they
enter the State.
- 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work
before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt - it's called clay, red Georgia clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it - they're called "clods.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
6 . Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long - go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
10. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. BEEF and PORK...It's Whats For Dinner! Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We'rereal impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with 'yes sirs' and 'yes ma'ams', and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do "hurry up" well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salt back or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways!-Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them - then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state - you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislatures (all 5 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating the person up.
Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - "VISIT"