Senior Citizens ~N~ Senior Moments
Something I have learned...I can't change the future OR the past...and I get through each day easier if I keep my sense of humor!
Two side effects from having Alzheimer's disease:
1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You meet someone new every day.
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
What's the best thing about turning 65?
No more calls from insurance salesmen.
"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!"
So the old man sat down and wept too.
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 80.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head .
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose - some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age... But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still
have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping
Rust"
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,
have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while
they delivered the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for
their finals.
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing
home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex! Supersex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex." He sat
silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally
answered,
"I'll take the soup."
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
O L D T I M E R S' B A R
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS !". They look at each other, then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're from Florida, they're waiting for happy hour."
Links to Other Senior Pages
Senior Volunteer Firefighters
FINALLY an Alternative to Nursing Homes!
And Gramma might even ENJOY this one!
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