ACTUAL WRITINGS ON
CHARTS IN HOSPITALS
And rebuttal at no extra charge!
1. The patient refused autopsy.
(I guess he just didn't care how he died! Give him a sign to carry into the beyond)
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
(Nope...up to now he just wanted to live. Must be because of the upcoming election?)
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
(Litterbug!...just walking around and leaving their cells laying everywhere!)
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
(Hey...this is a good place for a SubWay menu!)
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
(OK...but did he say who she was with?)
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
(Ripley's will be broadcasting this story)
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
(And this may be why they should not have the Classic Movies channel in every room?)
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
(Could be you resemble that english lit teacher she had the crush on...the one who finally had to tell her he was married and had no interest in her...broke her heart)
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
(stats...stats...stats...he just wanted to live real bad!)
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
(healthy basket case?)
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
(Trying to cut back I guess)
13. She is numb from her toes down.
(and in her case...thats a long way)
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
(Greatest thing that ever happened to her! Man is she in demand these days!)
15. The skin was moist and dry.
(also DEHYDRATED and dripping from every pore)
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
(doing commercials for Excedrine as soon as they get the headache number)
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
(thought is was the old timers thing)
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
(In the throat of the rectum)
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
(easy one...got rid of the old piece of crap!)
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
(counting mufflers is good therapy right?)
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
(and they can get 10 stations)
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
(and we give him a sign to carry...it says "RENT ME")
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
(He gets a sign too...)
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
(Which is good because the meat and bones might scare children and grandmothers)
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
(Cream for rug burns will be made available)
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
(Having teenagers makes one understand why many species EAT their young!)
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