RULES FOR DOTHAN
1. You are either for Auburn or Alabama (some are even Trojans). You have no choice. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later. For newborns a team must be chosen by age 3.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms. As are turn throughs, turning off your blinker, and four way stops.
3. To find anything in Dothan it is required that you know where Wiregrass Commons Mall is. It is the Alpha and the Omega: the beginning and the end.
4. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old Lowe's" and "The old Wal-Mart".
5. The morning rush hour is from 7am to 9am. The evening rush hour is from 4pm to 6pm. Saturday has no rush hour just avoid Montgomery Hwy at Wiregrass Commons Mall (see #3).
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Repeat after me, Green means Go, Red means Stop, Yellow means Speed Up!!!
7. 231 North and 231 South, 84 East and 84 West meet at Ross Clark Circle which actually has no direction, its a circle, it goes around the city. It is NOT a bypass, only an import would call it that.
8 . Honeysuckle, Westgate, Westgate Extension are all the same road. South Park and Taylor Road are the same road. All five of these roads also make a circle around the city.
9. The "Club" is the Country Club, the "Golf Course" is Highland Oaks. Do not get these confused.
10. The interstate connector is probably not coming. Once it does you will be to old to drive.
11. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Highway 231 North is 75 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Dothan's version of NASCAR.
13. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
14. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
15 . Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
17. There are really only two seasons here: Summer and Christmas.
18. "I got caught behind a tractor" is a perfectly acceptable excuse for anyone who is late. As we all know you are likely to see a tractor on any road at any time of year.
19. If you come from Cottonwood we will assume you live in a trailer. If you come from Headland we will assume you are a peanut farmer. If you come from Ashford we will assume you have a pageant crown or a football trophy and no education. If you come from Rehobeth we will assume you paid to much for your house and your parents made you move there to attend school in the Large Blue Building that reminds us all of the Peanut Festival.
20. If you choose to live in The Highlands, or, God forbid, Chapelwood, plan to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you may get caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest turn lane".
21. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your choices are Waffle House, Krispy Kreme and Krystal.
22. You can buy a million-dollar home on the golf course but you have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread. (unless you want to buy it at Dollar General, they are withing 10 blocks of anywhere!)
23. Downtown is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking.
Grand Central, however, is a permanent fixture.
24. All city council decisions must be signed off on by First Baptist Church.
25 . Lena Street. Don't go there. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for drugs or the Most Wanted.
26. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Trust me on this one. Always have a lighter on hand to stand on a chair and yell "Free Bird" everytime there is live music.
27. If you like southern-style barbecue, you've come to the right place. There's a restaurant on every corner. But, they all close at 9pm.
28. Convenience stores are literally EVERYWHERE, The same applies for banks. And, Churches.
29. No matter where you want to go, you can't get there from where you are...you will have to merge into traffic on the Circle.(See rule #2)
Narnie's World
Okeechobee, Florida
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