| I was brought up in care all my life, drifting from one childrens home/placement, whatever to another, I never had any direction or control in my life, ever, no role models, maybe the occasional one, but with the added bonus of them being controlling self absorbed asshole power freaks. And with the amount of "home shifting" that i done, these role models never lasted long nor amounted to much prolly just aswell. I never knew or understood anything about the quality of life or appreciation, stability, security, trust or anything, note these are all key elements in growing up and leading a normal life, these are things that you need to learn when you are a kid or you're gonna end up pretty fucked up. All I learnt was to trust me, keep me to me, trust no-one, rely on nothing and no-one, I just knew how to survive, how to keep the guard up (emotionally) and to believe no-one just to make sure I didn't get hurt, take nothing for granted cuz it's all a lie, basically all the things you need to keep yourself safe in care and away from the enevitable hurt. It was my way of life, it was what i based myself on who i am now. And I wasn't gonna let anyone get into my mind to figure me out, sus my weaknesses and break me, I was too tough for that, but I didn't know that it was my toughness that made me weak. I always had a negative view upon life, it was inforced on to me with my lifestyle though growing up the way I did, it's not unusual anymore, at the same time though, it's not normal, it has a long lasting effect on your life and how it should be, it also effects your relationships with people, and your perspective of how things should be, and how you should get on in this world. Thus making it very difficult for you to connect or comunicate etc with people, no matter how much you wanna. From early years, I adapted the negative lifestyle and view of life, the fact that i would never amount to anything that I would always fail, and that basically I was alone, it all seemed normal to me. I was content with that. because it was drilled into my head from day one by people like my mum, and unqualified social workers, (hired to do the weekend shift in some of the homes I was in, who enjoyed having the power to manipulate and twist a kids mind, confuse them, or fuck them up to an extent where they killed themselves, or died through overdose of drugs or sniffing which was the only way to escape their callousness, and cope with it. they put us through some pure hell, and all we could do was accept it.). I grew up with people like me, as in people who grew up with the same view onlife that I had thats the only way I can explain it, and we all grew up thinking that we would never amount to anything, that we'd be homeless and we would be alchos, druggies, good for nothing, "just like your parents" they would say. So we lived for the moment, never caring for the next day, jus livin in the here an now. We wasted no time in adapting that lifestyle, and I lost a lot of friends through that. Drink, drugs and danger where the 3 'D's in my life and unemployment seemed perfectly normal for us, it was all we knew, was what our parents done, our friends, its what most of our role models did. Even some of our guardians in the social work world. So we all looked eagerly to reaching 18 so as we could sign on the bru, get some easy, free money, get ourselves in as much debt as possible We'd smoke dope get drunk buy cheap cars and go drivin everywhere, down to the beach and have parties we wouldn't even care that all we ate a day was a pack of 12p noodles an that was if we were lucky enough or if we even remembered. We didn't care if we were next on the list to die, we cared if it was one of our mates, but not if it was us, it jus never mattered.. Life was a major buzz, having a laff and not caring about anything was quite an easy life style most of the time, but I didn't really like drinking and being drunk, I never liked smoking dope so I started to get bored and my friends started to bore me, but they were my mates, I had no family so I still hung out with them al ,just didn't drink or smoke dope. For a few months this was cool for me, I had freedom, and I thought I was doing the best I could and makin my life brilliant, then i realised, I needed something different, but I could never figure out what that difference was. So I continued getting drunk etc, but i did get myself a job, which actually only got me in debt and totally blacklisted me as I never got any money management from the goverments idealistic role models, directioners. if there is even such a word |