She wanted to be alone. The day had started to go downhill and she
knew she was going to have a hard time being on top of things for the
afternoon. It was the day she needed to
be the most focused. It was the day she
needed to convince everyone around her that she was in love. But she just couldn’t get there. The pole falling scared the shit out of her
and then being pressed up against Justin wasn’t that great either. Sure, it was nice. He smelled good and felt solid against her,
but then it just proved to her how miserable she was.
Why was it hitting her today? Of all the days, why was today the day she
was slammed with loneliness?
It had been three years since she
had been with a man and even longer since she had been in love. And now Justin wanted to practice lines. He wanted to practice falling in love. She wanted to tell him no, wanted to tell him
to fuck off and leave her lonely heart alone and go call up Cammy or whatever. But instead she found herself walking with him
to her trailer. She didn’t even know why
she was having annoyed thoughts with him.
She wasn’t mad at him and had no reason to have an attitude.
Maybe she was jealous with how
everyone seemed to look up to him.
Richard treated him like he was God, Maxine practically drowned in her
own drool and she couldn’t help but notice how all the extras and some of the
crew stared at him while they were filming, or attempting to before the pole almost
killed her. Yeah, he was attractive,
very attractive. He had a nice smile and
a soothing laugh. His eyes were intense
and when they were doing their scenes together he wouldn’t stop looking at
her. He was giving her his full
attention. And that hard body, the body
that she was pressed against for a few moments in time, it felt…
Well, she felt safe.
She ran her hand through her
smooth hair and tugged on the ponytail holder as they made their way up the few
steps to her trailer door. She was
getting ahead of herself and becoming almost as bad as Maxine. She opened the door and stepped inside,
holding it open for him.
“Have a seat if you can find
one. I’m usually not messy,” she lied. Her apartment in
She was definitely going to have
to stop seeing him as an attractive man.
She almost hoped he’d fart and call her a little hoe or something just
so she could be disgusted by him. But
she doubt that would happen.
“You want something to drink?”
He shook his head and smiled at
her, “No I’m ok.” He then moved his eyes
around her place, taking it all in. She
hoped he didn’t think she was a slob.
“Ok…” She walked into the
kitchenette area and to her fridge that was nestled in a corner where she was
hidden to him by a small wall that that refrigerator and small stove were
against. She took a couple deep breaths
and promised herself she wouldn’t freak out or be a silly fan or anything. She wasn’t a big fan of Justin’s but did own
his cd and had gone to an Nsync concert with some of her friends when she was
in high school back in the nineties. Her
sister would flip, though, and had done so when she told her that her co-star
would be the Justin Timberlake.
But what was so odd about the
situation was that she was completely comfortable with him earlier and when
they first met. Of course there were
butterflies, but she had butterflies meeting the camera men. She just didn’t want to mess anything
up. This was her one chance, her big
break and if she messed it up, she didn’t know what she’d do with her life,
with her self.
She grabbed the bowl of cherries
she had in the fridge and turned to set it on the counter by the sink. She blamed it on the fact that she was going
to have to kiss him and be half naked with him later on in the day. She’d still be nervous and freaking out if it
were someone she knew, like her cousin or something. But then that’d be wrong and utterly
disturbing.
She grabbed the roll of paper
towels that was sitting by her sink and the bowl and walked over towards the
couch. “So…”
“So…”
She realized he didn’t have
anything to say to her so she plopped down in the chair adjacent to the couch,
put the bowl in her lap, the paper towels beside her and reached for her
script. “You wanna just read the lines or what?
I haven’t really practiced lines with someone since I was Juliet in high
school.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” She laughed a little, “No need to. The only lines I’ve had have been like for toilet
bowl cleaner and oh…” She cleared her
throat and plastered on a strong
He stared at her through slits and
finally shook his head and asked, “What?”
“Law and Order. It was shining moment. I was hooker number two or something. It was fun.
I also was in a couple episodes of One Life to Live as a maid that saw
an affair. I ended up being shot.”
“Wow.” He smiled at her.
“What about you?” She picked up a cherry and eyed it carefully,
“You said you had done some other stuff.
I thought all you did was hot dance moves.”
“Ha, well I guess I got bit by
that little bug, ya know?”
She put her hand down and smirked at
him, “Acting bug, eh?”
“Yeah. Mostly
She tried to make the mood light
after he seemed to get down after mentioning the dreaded “C” word. “Dammit, I wish someone told me the
secret. I just needed to make a good
record and be on SNL and then I would have had this shit in the bag. Here I was working at Bloomingdale’s in
He smiled at her, “Aww, girl but
look at you now. You’re gonna be hot
stuff.”
“Right.” She rolled her eyes. “Watch the movie flop. Or better yet, do really good but all the
critics say I suck.”
“Nah, you’re really good.”
“Right…” She said sarcastically
and pulled up a cherry to pop it in her mouth.
She bit down and widened her eyes.
She forgot they had seeds in them and frantically moved the bowl and other
things around so she could get up and go spit out the seed. “Sowwy, seed.” She mumbled.
He smiled at her and said, “You
need some more confidence. Hell, you
were Juliet!”
She spit the seed in the sink and
exclaimed, “In high school!”
“Still, that stuff is hard!”
She opened a cupboard and pulled out
a red plastic cup. “Whatever. You wanna get to practicing?”
“I guess.”
She looked at him and he looked at
her. Damn.
His eyes were so intense and blue and stared straight into her. She plastered on a cheesy smile as not to
blush and stepped over to her stereo. “Want
some sensual music to get us in the mood,” she said in an exaggerated tone.
He chuckled and shrugged, “If you
want to put some on I won’t object.”
“Well, maybe not sensual.” She flipped open her large cd binder and it
opened to a familiar spot. She slipped
the familiar cd out and turned to wave it at him. “You like Death Cab?”
“Who?”
“Oh my god.” She turned back around and worked on getting
the cd in the player. “They’re awesome. It’s really Death Cab for Cutie.”
“Interesting name.” She waited for the music to come through the
speakers and turned the volume down so it really was background noise. Then she came back with her cup and
resituated herself much like before, but this time opted to sit near him on the
couch. She hoped she didn’t seem too
forward, but was going to ask him if he wanted to have some of her
cherries. Plus, she figured the closer
they were the better off they’d be able to really practice.
She propped her feet up on the
edge of the table and passed the bowl of cherries to him. “Cherries?”
“Sure.” He grinned and reached to pick one up. She watched carefully as his mouth plucked it
from the stem. He really had a nice
mouth. Hell, he had a nice
everything. Before she had been thankful
she had an attractive man to do intimate scenes with. But now she was thinking that might turn into
a problem. He chewed for a moment and
then smiled, holding a dark seed in between his teeth. She pulled the red cup from where she had
planted it in between her legs and held it up to his mouth.
He spit it out and then chuckled, “We’re
bonding over spitting out cherry seeds.”
He reached again inside the bowl that she had set on the table and
plucked one into his mouth, saying, “These are good.”
She watched him again bit into a
cherry but this time a drop of deep red juice slipped from his lips and started
to run down his chin. All she could
think about was how pissed people would be if they found cherry stains on his
shirt and how it would be her fault for offering them to him. “Ooo, watch out…” She said and reached up with
her hand to wipe off the juice. Once she touched him she realized she did
something horribly wrong, embarrassing, and pretty much strange. She wasn’t his mother and he wasn’t a little
boy who couldn’t wipe up after himself.
She felt her face get hot and blushed.
Her hands moved to rip off a towel to hand to him and she wiped her hand
off on one that she ripped for herself. “S…sorry.”
He had a little bit of pink in his
cheeks as well. And when he said “It’s
ok” it was shy and quiet.
She released a deep breath tried
to laugh it off a little, “Ok, that…that was awkward.” But the next thing she knew her nervous habit
had run rampant and she was rambling. “I
just, I didn’t want you to fuck up your shirt or anything because, ya know, Nicole
or Bridge would have a fit and then get mad at you. And I know that they were a little pissed at
you this morning and I just don’t want them hating you because I forced you to
eat the worst possible food when you’re in war-“
“Susan…” He cut her off and her
eyes moved to his face. He was smiling
and she had to force herself to blink. “It’s
ok.”
“Ok,” she whispered.
He took a deep breath and reached
to his script beside him. “You wanna start on the scene for later today?”
She nodded.
“Alright…” She worked on pushing
all her stupid cherry crap away. She wasn’t
even that hungry anymore. And it was
probably a stupid idea to try to eat in a damn movie wardrobe. She heard the
shuffling of paper and stretched out far to try and reach her script on the
stack of books. He sighed and she rested
back beside him, finally relaxing after having touched his face like a crackhead.
His voice was deep, quiet, and
pretty damn seductive, “When was the last time you were with a man?”
Her relaxed posture flew out the
window and she sat up on the edge and turned to him shocked. “What?!” She wasn’t
upset or anything like that, like he had intruded on her private life. She just wasn’t expecting him to so bluntly
and randomly ask her that.
He shied away a little and gave
her an innocent look, “I thought we were doing the scene.”
She licked her lips and shook her
head. “Wh-what?”
“Here…” He leaned toward her, flipped a couple pages
in his script and moved his finger down the page like he was searching for
something. His finger stopped on the line he had been reading. “Oh, I skipped ahead.” She glanced at him and he cringed a little
nervously. “The scene where we kiss…” He
closed his eyes and quickly corrected himself, “I mean, where ya know…”
“Oh…” Yeah, that scene. He wanted to practice that scene. Of all the scenes. Of course they really were only planned to do
a couple that day, the diner, the kiss and the sex, well, after sex scene. But why wouldn’t they just go over the diner
scenes? “…yeah.”
“Yeah…”
Once again she began to ramble,
this time trying to convince him and herself as to why she was acting
horrible. An hour ago she was fine. Something happened. Something changed. And she knew what to blame it on. It was that damned pole. IT was changing everything that was in store
that day. “I’m sorry. I’m acting like an idiot. I guess, I guess I’m just a little nervous because,
well, today’s kinda stressful with the whole love, kiss, sex thing. I mean, to be truthful it’s been a while.”
“Since you’ve done a sex scene?” He asked.
“Well, no…” She felt like she was about to tell him that
she was a virgin. She wasn’t, but she
was to the whole in front of a video camera thing. And she didn’t even know what the big deal
was. There wasn’t sex. There was a steamy kissing scene and then as
far as she knew they cut to them in bed afterwards. Yeah she’d have to be half naked, but there
would be no dry humping or anything awkward like that. She felt herself being thrown into a hole deeper
than she had ever been in before and tried her best to make some sort of sense. But that was a failure. “I mean. I’ve never done it before. I mean, sex scene wise. It’s been a while since…ya know, sex scene
without the scene.”
She glanced at him and he nodded
slowly once and a cute little half grin appeared on his face. “Ohhhh…”
“Hell, it’s been the same amount
of time for just a kiss so…” She laughed nervously and shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“Don’t tell me a hot girl like you
has trouble getting a date?”
He was smiling at her,
comfortably, relaxed and she was glad that things were seemingly back to
normal. She hated awkward moments and
hated when she made herself look like an idiot.
She wasn’t a teeny, wasn’t anywhere near one, but she was having a hard
time not acting like it. “No, it’s not that.
I just, I don’t know. I had a boyfriend
in high school but those things don’t ever work out even though you believe so
whole heartedly that they will. I work a
lot in the city so, I don’t really have time to. I don’t really know a lot of people in
“Yeah. Man, you really are for this movie, aren’t
you?”
She was glad he didn’t say
anything about the fact that she had just spilled out information he possibly couldn’t
care less about. “I know this movie is half reality for me.”
She felt his elbow nudge her arm a
little bit and he winked at her. It was
one thing to be in a scene with him, but to be a few feet from him, beside him,
having him give her all of his attention, well it was almost too much. She now understood her sister’s infatuation. But she was damn sure that this kind of
feeling that he exuded could not be felt through the tv screen or stereo speakers.
“Don’t be so lonely, girl. You’re here now.”
“I guess.”
“Well...” He cleared his throat a
little a stretched, “I have the opposite problem. I know tons of people and meet tons of
girls. And I get one. I date them for forever. Then they leave me.”
“Why?” She asked, not even
thinking if it was her place to do so.
“I don’t know.” He laughed a little but it was a sad laugh
and the more she looked at him the more she could see the fatigue under his
eyes, even through the light makeup he was wearing. His shoulders slumped and his smile wasn’t full. It was cautious and a little afraid. “I really don’t know. I mean, I’m sure you’ve heard everyone on
set. Me and
“But it got serious,” she
whispered.
He nodded. “Yeah.
At least I thought so. I mean,
hell, when you tell someone you love them that’s pretty fucking serious. And then bam,” He smacked his hand down on
his knee and sighed. “She just doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”
She watched him as he looked
away. She had always been told that you
never knew what you were missing until you lost it. She never thought that was true when it came
to love. She had been without it for
years and hated everything about being alone.
But as she sat there and looked at him, looking away from her, from the
world, she realized it was a different story when you’re in love one minute and
without it the next. She wondered if he
was still in love.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” He let out hoarsely and then quickly turned
to her and plastered on a smile. “So…I
mean I was fucked up after Britney, but I got over it, ya know? It changed a lot about me. I grew up a lot. And I thought with Cameron I was being
cautious but…” His smile faded. “I guess not.”
“Girls are insane.” She said
bitterly. Sometimes she despised the triteness
of her sex. She never could comprehend
when some of her friends, the few of them, would talk about the guys they were
dating and get mad over the most miniscule things. “Really, every girl I know is just so petty
when it comes to relationships. Maybe
that’s why I haven’t dated anyone. I don’t
want to be that girl.”
“You wouldn’t be.”
“How the hell do you know? You don’t know me.” She smiled at him and he
stuck his tongue playfully out at her.
“I can tell by lookin’ at ya.”
She leaned forward a little, “Probably
thought the same thing by lookin’ at Miss Diaz, hm?”
He nodded and gave in. “Ok, you
have a point.” He shifted on the sofa to
face her so he was sitting diagonally on the sofa. He rocked forward a little with one of his
legs bent and lying on the cushions and the other hanging off the edge of the
couch. “But for my sanity let’s just
pretend you are the most perfect woman in the world. Hell, I’m supposed to think that way about you
in the scenes later today.”
“Works for me. About time someone recognized how perfect I am.” She laughed and he did as well.
“We probably need to go over this.” He tapped his script against his leg and shrugged
at her.
She pulled her script to her lap
and started flipping through it, looking over to see where he was. “What scene are you at?”
“Kissing one.” He flipped back to the beginning of the
scene, “Uh, sixteen I think.”
“Oh ok.” She nodded as she looked over the words. “Yeah we probably need to go over that cause it’s
supposed to be really intense.”
It was going to be hard. She was supposed to break down in this
scene. They were supposed to fall in
love and kiss. It was going to be one of
those kisses, the memorable Hollywood kisses.
Richard had told her that this was the scene that was going to make them
the money. No pressure at all. She had gotten these lines pretty much
down It was one of her most favorite
parts of the script. She kept the papers
in front of her though, just in case she forgot her lines, and just in case she
got too into it and forgot who she was.
“Ready?” He asked.
“Yeah. Wait.”
A thought came over her and for some reason she felt the need to tell
him, to thank him. She touched his arm
and his eyes looked directly at her. “Thanks for saving me earlier.”
“Sure. I mean, it was just a reflex.” He nudged her again and sent her a sly
smile. “Couldn’t have Miss Perfect being
knocked out.”
She smiled at him and took a deep
breath. “Ok…let’s start.”
“Ok…” She waited for him and watched him as he took
a few breaths and finally let out a frustrated sigh and shook his head in a
tired manner. His voice was like normal,
soft and sensitive, but there was something more there. She couldn’t figure it out but figured it had
something to do with Daniel and not Justin.
“It’s so weird. I never thought
it’d be the same.”
“What is it?” She asked.
“
She smiled sympathetically. “Yeah,
and it’s worse here because you don’t expect it. You think the sun and the beach and the laid
back attitude would just soak you up and you’d be part of the crowd.”
His voice was a little louder when
he said, “But you’re not part of the crowd.”
He paused and she watched him very closely. He was pretty good, a lot better than she
would have ever given him credit for.
And when he looked at her, really looked at her, she no longer knew she
was practicing for a role. Those blue eyes
weren’t acting, they were real. “I can’t
keep doing this, Val. I can’t keep
putting all my faith into every chance and then not receiving anything in
return. I can’t keep living out here, wasting
my money on auditions and clubs and living a life that I don’t even know if I really
like that much.”
“What else would you do?” She
whispered.
“I don’t know. Go back home.”
She swallowed hard. “Home?”
He nodded and looked off to the
side, staring into nothing. “
Her lips were starting to get dry
and she licked them, “But…”
“But nothing…” He chuckled and ran his hand over his head,
grabbing the back of his neck and then letting his arm flop down beside him on
the sofa. “I can’t…I can’t do this
anymore. I gotta go back.”
“But you can’t…”
“Why?” He asked her.
Suddenly her favorite song came
on. She had almost forgotten that she had the cd player going, but then when he
looked at her and said, “why” in such a manner that made her really, truly believe
that they were in that scene, inside the characters, her eyes began to water.
It was the one song she had always wanted to be able to share with someone but
never got the chance to. She wasn’t one
for overly romantic or cheese things like chocolates and teddy bears, but if
she was in love, if she had a man, this would be their song. It was about love, about completion, about
being utterly content with being in the “Passenger Seat” of someone’s life, for
the rest of your own. It was about the
exact thing she cried about when no one else was around. It was about the one thing that she craved
more than food or water. It was about
love.
She looked at him. “B…b-because…”
“Valerie…” But it wasn’t the same because he wasn’t hers. This was all pretend. None of it was real.
“Cause then I’ll really be
alone. What will I do?” He looked at her sincerely. And the words she said hit her in her stomach
and fear washed over her. What if he
left her? Even right then, innocently
sitting on her couch and reading to each other, what if he left her? She’d be alone, in her trailer with no
one. She felt her eyes start to water, “I
mean…” She took in a shaky breath and didn’t even realize he was leaning
towards her. “I’m here. It’s not so bad with me here, right?”
“Shhh….” He whispered. Her eyes widened when she felt his hand on
her cheek. She knew they hadn’t really
gone over the rules beforehand but she just figured they wouldn’t be practicing
actual movements or actual kissing or anything like that. Yeah, she was about to cry but that was her
own damned fault. She was suddenly
hurled out of Valerie and was very, very aware of the present, of him touching
her and leaning towards her with heavy eye lids.
She had to stop this. She had to break character with him and get
him to pull away. She cleared her throat,
“You’re really good…”
“So are you…” He whispered.
“Justin…”
He laughed quietly, “No, I’m
Daniel…”
“Oh please…”
He stroked her cheek with his
thumb and opened his eyes a little more.
“Keep going with the scene…”
She couldn’t say no to him and
nodded slightly. She knew the next line
and was terrified to say it. Valerie was
supposed to be rather blunt. She was
supposed to be shy but bold when she said the next line, but instead Susan
found her voice shaking and felt as far away from boldness as one could get. “A-are you going to seduce me now?”
He smiled a little. It was comforting but nothing could make her
relax with him scooting his body forward.
“I think you’ve already taken care of that…”
“What do you mean?”
She gulped. This was where they were supposed to
kiss. But he just couldn’t do that. It wasn’t right. He was taking this practicing thing too
far. And plus, even if it was ok, she didn’t
know him that well and he had just ended a long term relationship. And…and she didn’t know what to do. She knew she should have pushed him away or
said something, but he was close now.
She could smell him and feel him, and memories of that damned pole and
being pressed against him, feeling safe and comforted, washed over her and kept
her firmly planted in her seat.
But she didn’t close her eyes or
pucker up or anything silly. She watched
him as his forehead pressed against hers.
He was so close and she knew that he was going to kiss her. His hand slid back a little to the side of
her head and his other slid up her arm to her shoulder, squeezing her there and
then cupping her neck.
All rationality melted away. She forgot everything she knew and felt like
she could fall in love with him, right then, right there.
“Don’t be nervous,” he whispered. She knew for a fact that line wasn’t in the
script. He was almost there. She could feel him breathe against her lips
and she wanted it so bad. She didn’t know
why but she was craving him in that moment.
She needed him.
His hands tightened against her
neck and head and she heard him let out a defeated sigh. He began to pull away and her eyes popped open. She didn’t even realize they were
closed. By the time that it registered
to her that he wasn’t pulling away because he wanted to, at least she hoped
not, but because of the knocking at her door, he was already lounged back on
the sofa, a few feet away, looking away at his script like nothing had
happened.
But something had happened. Something definitely had happened.
She shook herself off, literally,
and hoarsely said, “Come in…”
She couldn’t relax and when Jason
came in and said, “hello lovers,” she was sure he was going to be able to read
her face and know everything that had just gone on. “Sorry to break up the sexy romp but Richard
wants to do some scenes with you.”
“Did they get the set fixed?”
Justin asked, cool, calm, like they hadn’t almost kissed.
Jason walked over to them and
waved his hand. “Oh no. They’re gonna postpone the diner scene until tomorrow
or something. This is for some other
scene. Just you dahling. He extended his hand to Susan and she
accepted it, letting him pull her up.
“Oh…well, I mean…do you know what scene?” She turned back to grab her script that had
somehow in the process fell to the floor. Justin still wasn’t looking at her.
“No clue. All I know is that you are still in those god
awful clothes. So get your visor.” He
found it on the table and handed it to her.
She accepted it and looked down at her floor.
“Oh ok.”
“I guess they won’t need me for a
while.” She jumped when she heard his
voice. He was stretching and
yawning. She almost felt a little
hurt. Did he not feel it, too? Was it just another day for him, another girl,
another kiss?
“I guess,” she said quietly. Jason started to tug her away and when they
were at the door she felt shivers on her skin when he called out to her.
“Good luck out there.”
She turned to look at him. There was something there, a knowing look in
his eyes, like he knew what had just happened.
His smile was genuine and bright, though small. She felt relieved and returned his
smile. “Thanks. You can just, lock up or whatever..”
He didn’t move from the couch and
only nodded. “Ok.”
She was outside in no time,
holding on to Jason’s hand and trying her best to tug him along. But he wouldn’t have it and pulled her back
forcing her to a halt. His eyes were
serious but mischievous at the same time, “What the hell happened?”
“Nothing,” she said and knew she couldn’t
even convince herself with her tone.
“Susan…”
She defended herself, “We were
just practicing lines.”
She began to walk away but was stopped
in her fast pace when he called out, loud enough for anyone interested to hear,
“He kissed you, didn’t he?”
She turned and blinked. He walked forward towards her and she
stumbled over her words. “No. I mean, no…”
“You mean what?”
She looked up and a slow smile
spread on his face. Immediately she
became annoyed, with him, with Justin, with herself, with the whole damn
situation. How did that happen? How did she let it happen? She couldn’t deal with this anymore. Was it really a kiss or just practicing? She didn’t understand and couldn’t wrap her
self around it just yet. She knew that
if she brought those thoughts into the set Richard was going to call her out
and make her feel horrible. So she
squared her shoulders and turned on her heel, glaring at her friend as she
went.
“Just drop it Jason,” she
demanded.
The funny thing was, it wasn’t Jason
she was worried about bothering her about what had just happened. It was her own self. She was terrified of that kiss and she knew
if she got the chance again, which was going to happen that afternoon, she wouldn’t
be able to keep sane about it.
She didn’t even know him, and yet
she found herself strangely attracted to him.
She couldn’t explain it, and didn’t really want to.