The man looked about stealthily like a cobra seeking it's prey. He leaned inside his car and in one smooth motion retrieved his 98 caliber from the glove box and put it in a hidden pocket in his leather jacket. He shut the door and lovingly ran his hand over the hood of his '00 Viper. That car was his pride and joy. He would literally give his life for it. He pulled his Marlins hat over his eyes and advanced as quickly as his limp would allow into the first national bank of Wormwood, Vermont.

________________________________________________________________

Merle O'Conner waited impatiently to deposit her check. At the rate this line was going she may give birth before she got to the front. She patted her growing abdomen and smiled. No,it would still be a few weeks. She sighed deeply and turned in time to see a rather shady looking man stroll into the bank. He wore a Florida Marlins hat slightly pulled down over his piercing blue eyes and light brown hair that poked out from the sides. He also had a dark brown leather jacket ,ratty old jeans and some worn Reeboks.

Merle caught herself studying him intently, for though he looked a bit tough, he was also strikingly handsome! Just then, his eyes met her gaze and all time seemed to stop for Merle. Her brown eyes locked onto his blue ones...but then he looked away. She snuck a peek at him again and just had time to notice his cute little stubble when he began limping to the desk next to Merle's. She was elated to see him so close up and was trying to think of a good pick-up line when he pulled a gun and told everyone to "Freeze!"

________________________________________________________________

The Scotsman yanked the wheel to the left causing barrels of cargo to topple over into the ocean.

"It doesn't matter"he thought with rain stinging his face,"If I don't make it out of this storm we'll all die anyway."

Just then a wave came up over the stern and washed away six more sailors. But clinging desperately to the wheel, Gary Jetson refused to die! Refused to drown! Refused to let the sea win!

"Everyone to Starboard bow!!!"he cried.

________________________________________________________________

Everyone did just as he said. They froze.

Merle watched in horror as he told the clerk "Put your hands where I can see 'em."

The clerk put his hands palms-down on the counter. The man still had his gun pointed at the terrified clerk.

"Now, open that safe!"He said pressing the barrel of the gun to the clerks temple.

The clerk gulped loudly, opened the safe and handed money to the man. He grabbed the bundle of greenbacks ferociously and stuffed them in his back pocket.

"Get down on the floor. NOW!!"He barked.

________________________________________________________________

A son.

He finally had a son.

Sean Smith smiled proudly as his wife handed him the tiny bundle. As he looked into the baby boy's small face he decided his name must be.....George!!

________________________________________________________________

Immediately everyone dropped to the ground. Then the man pointed at the young, pretty girl who was trembling on the ground. The one with blonde hair, large brown eyes and a strangely protruding stomach.

"YOU!!"He said a bit to harshly to the girl. She looked up at him."What's your name?"

“M-M-Merle....” the girl stammered timidly.

“What? Harold?”

“Merle!” the girl repeated a little louder.

"Get up!"He ordered. She scrambled to her feet.

He then stuck the gun barrel into her back and marched her out of the glass double doors.

Immediately, the clerk called the police....only to find the line disconnected....

________________________________________________________________

Gary battled the storm long into the night. Then...he awoke! In his own home....in his own bed....by his own wife....

"UUUHHH!!!"He gasped, sitting up.

His wife, Elisabeth, woke up and placed her hand on his arm.

"Gary, why you're drenched with sweat!"She said in her soft Scottish accent."Did it happen again?"

"I'm goin' fer a walk."was his reply and he walked out of the house.

________________________________________________________________

Merle was terrified to say the least. She sat numbly in the passenger seat, staring straight ahead.

"What's your name again?"The man asked, surprising her.

"Merle O'Conner."she said quietly.

"Oh....nice to meet you."He replied.

"Who are you anyway?!"Merle suddenly exploded, causing the man to jump back in his seat."First you kidnap me at gunpoint! Then you treat me like a house guest!! What are you? Some kind of scheizo?!?!"Merle's hand flew to her mouth."Oh good grief! Now I've done it!"she thought.

But the man just gave a little smile."The name's Doe. Guy Doe."

"Guy Doe..."She repeated softly to herself. Then she smiled."How romantic!!"

Bundling him up against the cold Yukon winds, Sean tethered George in his arms as he unlocked his Jeep Cherokee and helped his wife, Rose in. As he drove the dark streets he turned over the past years events in his mind. First he had learned that Rose was expecting. Then he had been missing a lot of work time at the National Inquirer to help her in her pregnancy. Now he was stuck with a premature baby and an unfaithful wife. He sighed as he turned into his driveway. Wait a minute!! There was a light on in the bedroom he knew wasn't on before!

________________________________________________________________

"So Guy,"Merle asked"What turned you to this life of crime?"

Guy suddenly slammed on the brakes. He turned to face her.

"None of your darn business."

"Just asked..."Merle mumbled

"I need you."He continued.

Merle blinked hard."Excuse me?"

"I could use a partner in crime."Guy added"Besides....you're beautiful! I love you!!"

Merle was shocked!!

"B-But we've only known each other for five minutes!!"

"So?"

"Oh Guy!"She said fighting back tears" I-I love you too!"

________________________________________________________________

The young woman stopped running long enough to catch her breath. She had to stop, for fear her heart would burst. But she couldn't stop, not yet. The mafia thugs were still hot on her heels. She hadn't brought the bagels last time. If there were no sacrifice, Budgey would not be pleased. But he had asked for too much. She would not, could not kidnap Laa Laa the teletubby only to sacrifice it to the toaster oven. So she kept running.

See Marty run. Run, run, run.

See thugs run after Marty. Run, Thugs, run.

Then Marty (for that was her name) tripped over a stray cat and fell head-first into a garbage can full of poopy diapers. She hit the can with such force that she and the can flew high into the air and were caught by someone.....or something...

________________________________________________________________

The night was cold and Gary was bitter. Not only about stubbing his toe. Or the pins and needles shoved under his fingernails by some teenage "thrill seekers". No, he was bitter about fate. Just like a hummingbird who was also bitter about fate...

________________________________________________________________

Marty yanked the garbage can off her head and let out a glass shattering scream. She was being propelled 40 stories in the air by some jerk in a blue and red suit. As a reflex she clung desperately to the man to keep from falling.

Then the man swung onto the roof of a building and set Marty down gently. She took a step back and looked at him.

"Who are you?"She asked.

"I'm Spiderman."He answered in a friendly voice.

Then it began to rain. Spiderman felt drawn to Marty's big brown eyes framed by long dark lashes. Her long glossy, black hair glistened in the rain like nose-hair after a good sneeze...

Marty smiled."Thanks for rescuing me."

"No problem"He answered and looked down the side of the skyscraper they were standing on.

"I don't think you're safe yet though."He continued"I'd better get you to my place and out of this rain."With that he picked her up and began swinging between buildings like a monkey until he ran out of skyscrapers and they had to walk to a quiet suburb....

________________________________________________________________

Gary lay flat on his back looking at the stars but not really seeing them. He was afraid to move. That train had scared the daylights out of him. He knew he should get off the track before the next train came, but he felt compelled to just sit there...and wait...

________________________________________________________________

After awhile Guy finally opened up to Merle and explained his journey to the road of crime.

"When I was born,"he began,"and the doctor gave me a slap...I shot him!!"

"Ooo..."Merle breathed, obviously impressed.

"Then when I was five,"He continued,"I was on the subway and I saw a brochure that said "Take One".So I took one. And from then on I took everything in sight. I took a bicycle, I took a penny and I even took a little girl!"

"You took a little girl?!"Merle exclaimed.

"Yeah."Guy muttered"But my mother made me give her back..."

________________________________________________________________________

"Aunt May?"Spiderman called softly,"Aunt May?"He looked around."Good, the coast is clear. Follow me."

Marty looked around cautiously as Spiderman led her through the quaint brick house. It was very tidy and average. She never imagined a superheroes home to look so....normal. He took her upstairs into a cluttered room with a chemistry set in the corner and lots of Spiderman photos on the hanging on the wall.

"A little conceited aren't you?"Marty said teasingly.

"Huh?"He asked confused"Then he followed her gaze."Oh those"he chuckled"Well uh...I haven't told anyone this but...somehow I feel I can trust you..."

He paused for a moment. Marty waited patiently...expectantly...

Spiderman reached up and pulled off his hood, revealing a muscular handsome young mans face. Marty's eyes lit up. He was just her type with his light brown hair and green eyes that looked gentle yet seemed to bore into her soul.

"I'm Peter Parker. I'm also a photographer for the Daily Bugle and my specialty is Spiderman."

"Oh..."Marty said softly, realizing"You're pretty good."

"Thanks" he replied"Now if you'll excuse me..."He grabbed some clothes and ducked into the bathroom.("To change."Marty thought)

Marty sat down on Peter's bed and began to study his bedroom. She smiled to herself. Yesiree-bob he was just her type. Then she noticed a photo of a beautiful red-head on his desk. In the bottom right corner of the photo there was something written in fluent cursive. Marty leaned forward to read it. It read:"Hi Tiger! Love Mary Jane"

Marty's face fell. She felt her chest grow tight and her eyes well up with tears. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. The lovesick girl collapsed into sobs on Peters bed muttering something about "merfolk".She had hoped so badly that he was available.

________________________________________________________________

"You idiot!!"Rose snapped,"How could you be so dumb to leave the light on for three days?!"

"Oh be quiet!"Sean retorted,"I didn't leave that stupid light on."

"Oh is that right?"Rose said haughtily,"Well then who did?"

"Well, it sure wasn't me!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yes-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"YES-HUH!!"

"NU-UH!!"

That last outburst made the car shake and woke the baby. His pitiful cries filled the Jeep.

"Now look at what you've done!"Rose cried accusingly.

"Will you shut up already?! I'm tryin' to think!"

"How dare you talk to me that way when I'm in this condition?! And I won't shut up! You shut up!"

That did it. Sean began seeing red. He hurriedly got out of the car before he lost control of himself. Then he flipped open his cell phone and dialed 911.

"Who are you calling?"Rose demanded.

"The police."Sean answered.

"Oh no you don't!" Rose cried. George cried even louder.

"Why don't you just go back to Dominique!!!"Sean cried, spitting out the name. There. He finally said it.

For the first time, Rose was silent.

________________________________________________________________

The next train was on it's way. Gary could feel it vibrating the tracks. It was getting closer. He could hear the whistle and the light blinded him. It was so close. If he didn't move now, he would no longer be Gary Jetson, but a grotesque splat on Highway 40.The train was nearly upon him. It was now or never.

Just then.................Gary fell unconscious.

________________________________________________________________

"You...you know about Dominique?"Rose stuttered.

"Of course I knew, Rose. And I also know that he's the person in our room right now."

Sean was speaking through clenched teeth. But he wasn't mad. Maybe he was sad. He didn't know how to feel actually. True, Rose had ruined his life,but he couldn't hate her.

________________________________________________________________

There was a whistle and a woosh and then it was over. When Gary came to, he found himself on the roof of a skyscraper. He stood and brushed the dust off of his jacket then began to collapse but was caught by two strong arms in black rubber.

Gary stepped back and looked at this mysterious man.

"Who-who are you?"Gary asked nervously.

"I'm Batman."

Gary let out a gasp.

"Are you alright?"Batman continued.

Gary just stared at him in awe.

"Sir, are you alright?"

A strange, panicked look fell across Gary's face as he shrieked,

"I'M STUCK!!"

Bamboozled, Batman stared at Gary and blinked.

"...................excuse me?"

Gary spun around, in a frenzy until he collapsed, out of breath, on the cement.

"Thank you for saving me Mr. Catman!!!" He gasped.

"Uh....you're welcome and it's uh...Batman."

"Oh....sorry."Gary said standing up.

"Sa'right. Now, why were you on those train tracks?"

Gary scrunched up his face, deep on thought.

"I.....I don't.....know...."Gary stammered.

"I see...."Batman replied, slightly frustrated and a little frightened.

Gary turned from Batman for a moment to think.

"Hey Hatman I-"Gary began. But Batman was gone. Gary looked around but couldn't find him anywhere.

"Hey Hatman!" He cried, down the side of the skyscraper"How do I get off this building?"

________________________________________________________________

"Sorry I took so long."Peter apologized, stepping out of the bathroom."Those skin-tight suits are hard to get off."

"Oh that's ok."Marty replied, forcing cheerfulness"So....your name's Peter Parker right?"

"That's right"

Marty smiled coyly."Is there a Mrs. Parker?"

"Heh heh."Peter chuckled, embarrassed."nope"

Marty brightened a little."I guess you superheroes don't commit yourselves to anyone."

"What do you mean?"

"Well...."Marty wasn't sure how to ask."I mean....you don't have a girlfriend....do you?"

Peter seemed a bit taken aback and hesitated, thinking of an answer."Uh...kind of.."

"What do you mean kind of?"

"Uh....what was your name again?"Peter asked, changing the subject.

It was then that Marty realized she hadn't introduced herself. But could she trust this man? Should she use her real name or an alias? She decided on the former.

"Marty."She replied"Marty Campbell."

"Marty...."Peter repeated softly."Hey, that's kind of pretty."

Marty blushed.

Peter smiled.

Marty smiled.

________________________________________________________________

Gary sat down, not knowing what to do. He could just picture himself falling off the 38 story building and landing with a splat, like an exploding Hefty bag full of vegetable soup. It made him shiver. When would Batman get back?

________________________________________________________________________

Guy breathed in deeply.

"Ahh, Oakland! Just like I remembered it."

Merle looked around disgusted."You grew up in this dump?"

"What do you mean 'dump'?"Guy asked with an edge in his voice.

"I mean," Merle scoffed "That this place isn't exactly Beverly Hills."

The statement offended Guy, but he had to admit, it was true. It was an industrial town, bordered by polluting factories and nuclear power plants. The streets were dirty and downtown wasn't much to look at. It consisted of a tiny theater, a general store, eight bars and a diner. It was definitely not the most glamorous place in the world, but Guy didn't mind. This was his hometown.

He inhaled deeply again, breathing in toxic fumes from a nearby plant which sent him into a hysterical coughing fit. After a few minutes of Merle pounding on his back he recovered and started up the dingy Volvo they had stolen.

Guy had left his Viper with an old friend, whom he trusted. He knew his Viper would be too conspicuous in this poor town so instead he chugged along in the Volvo. He missed his 'ol Viper but he didn't worry too much about it. If anyone so much as breathed on it the door handles would open up into machine guns and blow the intruder to bits. Guy grinned at the thought. It kinda made him want someone to put a move on his car.

He shook those thoughts from his mind and concentrated on his driving. His license was fake, but good enough to pull him through, should anyone care to look at it.(He had lost his license long ago due to unpaid parking tickets.)

Upon spotting an oncoming police car, Guy quickly turned onto Avenue Blondo (taking out a stop sign in the process...)

________________________________________________________________

Marty heard footsteps on the staircase. Peter looked at the door. He'd heard it too.

"Who is it?"Marty whispered.

"How should I know?"Peter replied. He stood up and put his ear to the door. Then he opened it and poked his head out.

"Peter!"Marty heard an aged voice say."Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been in here studying all evening, Aunt May."Peter lied innocently.

Marty flattened herself against the wall.

"Oh well, there's someone here to see you."

"Who?"

"Go see for yourself."Aunt May replied playfully. Then Marty heard her pad down the stairs. Peter turned to Marty and shrugged, then followed Aunt May down the stairs.

Marty sighed and sat on the bed. She glanced toward Peter's desk and grimaced at the photo of the redhead. She was absolutely beautiful and no match for Marty. She sighed again. Then she heard a voice downstairs. A woman's voice! A high, breathy flirtatious voice! Marty cringed. She could only guess who it belonged to but she longed to find out for sure, so she crept out of the room, into the hall and peeked through the rails of the open stairway and frowned. Yes, it was Mary Jane herself and she looked even better than in the picture. She had long, fiery red hair, full of body and bounce. She had great skin, a knock-out smile and brooding emerald eyes. Lastly she had a killer figure which she didn't mind showing off on her skimpy cream midriff and black suede miniskirt.

Marty looked down at herself. She was wearing Mary Jane’s old, mismatched clothes that had been left with Peter, since her old clothes had gotten soaked. Marty knew she looked like crap and was hardly presentable but....then a thought struck her.

"If Mary Jane sees me in her clothes, she'll kill me!!"

Marty started to tiptoe back into the bedroom to hide when a gentle breeze wafted up her nose.

"Oh no!" she thought. "Aaaa...." she began softly then covered her mouth. "They can't hear me."

Marty looked around wildly for a quick escape.

"I gotta get out of he- he- AAAAAAAAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Marty let out a gasp. Suddenly it became very quiet downstairs.

"Oh brother...." she heard Peter groan.

"Who's up there?" someone (she guessed the old lady) demanded.

Marty rolled her eyes and stepped into view. An audible gasp came up from Mary Jane and the old woman. Peter had his face in his hands but the back of his neck was a crimson red. So was Marty's face.

"Who are you?" The old woman asked.

Marty's mind raced for an answer again. Real name or alias? Real name or alias? She settled on the latter.

"Puddintame." She said straightening her shoulders."Alexis Puddintame."

Peter looked up quickly at that. His eyes were full of confusion. Marty threw him a nasty look to shut him up.

"Well, Ms.Puddintame," Mary Jane said haughtily "What, may I ask, are you doing in this house?"

Peter looked at Marty while she licked her lips trying to think of a good story.

"Um....well..."she unsteadily began. Then her eyes lit up with inspiration. "Well, Peter and I used to go to High school together."

A shadow passed over Mary Jane’s face."Oh really?"

"Uh, yeah! And uh...our class was having a reunion this weekend so since I was in town I thought I'd uh....stop by and say hello to him...um...hello, Peter."

"Hello."Peter replied. Mary Jane twisted around to glare at him. He just smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

________________________________________________________________

Gary shifted and huddled deeper into the warmth of his coat. Where on earth was Batman? And why did he bother saving Gary from a train just to leave him to catch hypothermia on top of a skyscraper? He shivered.

Oh where, oh where had Batman gone?

Oh where, oh where could he be?

With his ears cut short and his cape cut long,

Oh where, oh where could he be?

________________________________________________________________

"You bug me."

No answer.

"You hear me, Schwartz? You irritate me."

Schwartz's grip on his toothbrush tightened. If a toothbrush was all he had, he would have to make do. He didn't have to turn around to know it was "Sweetie Pie" telling him off.

"What's the matter with you runt? Chicken?"

"Nobody,"Schwartz answered coldly "calls me chicken."

At that Sweetie Pie lunged but Scott Schwartz was ready. He threw a hard left to the stomach and a sharp uppercut to the jaw. But Sweetie was stronger than he had anticipated. At the snap of his sausage-like fingers, Sweeties flunkies, influenced by his power, grabbed both of Scott's arms as Sweetie brandished his iron knuckles and repeatedly punched Scott in the face. In a few minutes it was all over and Scott Schwartz was left broken and bleeding on the hard, cold cell floor.

________________________________________________________________

Rose was speechless.

"I-I don't know what to say, Sean."

"I didn't think you would."Sean answered coldly. He was cradling young George as if he were a life support system. But of course all the child could do was bear his fathers pain.

"There's just something I must know, Rose." he continued "Where did I fail you? Why wasn't I good enough for you anymore? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing dear." Rose said, placing a hand on Sean's arm, but he jerked it away. She put her hand back in her lap and looked away. "It's just that our marriage was getting so old. So tedious. When Dominique came into my life he was something fresh and exciting and well....I guess I got a little carried away."

" A little carried away?" Sean repeated, his voice rising."A little carried away?! You were A LOT carried away! You don't really expect me to believe this is my son do you?!"

Rose looked shocked.

"Sean, I swear this is your son!"

"What kind of an idiot do you think I am?"

"I dunno, what kind are you?"

Sean glared at her. "Give me a break Rose. This child looks nothing like me!"

"Don't be ridiculous! Why...he has your chin!"

"He doesn't even have a chin!! And furthermore and I'm going in there to tear Dominique limb from limb!"

"NO!!" Rose shrieked grabbing Sean's arm "No, I won't let you, Sean!!! I-I love him!" Rose gasped and covered her mouth with her hands.

Sean turned to her with wide, anger filled eyes. "Love him? You can't love him! He's an alien, you're a mermaid!!"

"I don't care!! And don't you dare call him an alien!"

"Well, he IS an alien!" Sean paused and continued more quietly."But if you really love him....so be it!" And with that he turned and stormed into the house.

"NO!!!" Rose shrieked "No Sean, I won't let you!"

Rose waddled off toward the house, forgetting all about baby George still in his car seat.

________________________________________________________________

The flapping of leathery wings awoke Gary from his fitful sleep with a start.

"It's Fatman!" he cried with joy "Oh Matman, I've been-"

But it wasn't Batman. It was a low flying air jet that barely grazed Gary's hair yet the sheer force of it threw him on his back. Thousands of memories flooded into his mind about the ship, the train, the fingernails and the cheese.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

His tormented scream resounded through the still night air until all was silent.

________________________________________________________________

When Scott groggily came to, he found himself lying in a hospital room with a baggy old nurse adjusting an IV stuck in his right arm. Any weaker man would cringe at the pain of the needle being jostled, but not Scott. He was as calloused on the outside as he was on the inside, and all he could think of was Sweetie Pie undoubtedly getting his the adjacent room. True, Scott had been injured, but compared to Sweetie and his minions he was in ship-shape.

The memory of the night before caused an evil smile to float across his swollen lips. His rage had made him stronger than ever last night. He now knew that nothing and no one could stop him. NO ONE.

________________________________________________________________

“Whelp,” Hugh said, stopping the Volvo with a screech, “Here we are!”

“Wow,” Merle breathed, as she climbed out of the passenger side, “At least you lived in a half-way decent place.”

Merle was staring at the most beautiful mansion she had ever seen. It was white and blue with lots of lacy trim, and surrounded by pillars and turrets.

“Do you like it?” Hugh asked hopefully.

“Oh yes! Yes!” She exclaimed, brightly, “What a perfect place to raise my baby!”

Hugh froze as a cloud passed over his face.

“What baby?” he demanded.

“This baby.” She replied, pointing to her bulging stomach.

“You never told me you were pregnant!” Hugh shouted.

“I thought it would be fairly obvious!” Merle retorted, “And besides, I don’t think it’s any of your business!”

“None of my business?! You’re my girl, that’s all!”

“That hasn’t become official, mister man!”

________________________________________________________________

“Mary Jane, what are you doing?” Peter asked.

“I’m calling the cops. What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m gonna demand that they haul this tramp outta here!”

Peter grabbed the phone out Mary Jane’s stingy little hands and hung it up. He then took the steaming woman by the elbow and guided her toward the kitchen where they could speak privately.

“Come on, MJ. Mar- uh...Alexis hasn’t done anything to us.”

“Oh yeah?!” Mary Jane snapped with a toss of her red mane, “How about lying to us? You know darn well we aren’t having a high school reunion. Heck, we just graduated two years ago!”

“I know, I know.” He replied calmly, “She’s just a little confused, that’s all. Just let me talk to her. I’ll set her straight.”

“I’ll bet her name isn’t even really Alexis Puttintame, is it? Who is she, Peter? Tell me the truth!”

Peter rubbed the back of his neck and sighed helplessly.

“I...don’t...know, actually.”

“Then why is she wearing MY clothes?!?”

________________________________________________________________

“Mr. Schwartz?”

No reply.

A little louder this time.

“Mr. Schwartz?”

A groan.

The voice was starting to sound agitated.

“MR. SCHWARTZ!”

Scott sleepily allowed one eye to slide open, then the other. Finally, he slowly lifted his head.

“Mr. Schwartz,” the voice repeated, “Are you listening to me?”

Scott nodded his head. As his eyes came into focus, he saw a policeman standing in the doorway with the head nurse.

The officer, a bespectled yet intimidating man, spoke.

“Mr. Schwartz, “ He began, “Reginald Wentworth, Archibald Cosk and Frank Thatch died this morning around 9 o’clock.”

Scott cleared his thoat.

“Who?” He asked groggily.

“You better know them as Sweetie Pie and his two henchmen, Tweety and Kitty.”

Scott was paying full attention now.

“I have here a court summons and a warrant for your arrest,” the officer continued, “You’ve been charged with second degree murder and you will begin your trial as soon as you can leave the hospital. Do you understand?”

Scott nodded again.

The nurse and officer left the room, as Scott closed his eyes dreamily. He couldn’t help but smile, even though it sent pain coursing through his busted lip. He had finally wrought his revenge on Sweetie. Who cares if he was going back to jail. He was on death row anyway for the murder of two nuns who were selling wicker baskets door to door. He’d always hated it when people ignored his “No Soliciting” sign that had been on his front door.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Now what?!” Scott shouted.

The door opened and the same nurse that had been in the room earlier stepped in, looking none too happy.

“Someone sent you a letter, you scumbag!” The nurse grumbled, disgustedly.

“Save me from the editorial, you broad.” came Scott’s reply.

The nurse humphed, threw the letter on Scott’s bed and flounced out of the door, slamming it behind her. Scott rolled his eyes and picked up the small envelope resting at his feet. Tearing open the envelope, he couldn’t help wondering who on earth would be sending him a letter.

Scott unfolded the green construction paper the envelope contained and read:

“Scott,

I’m busting you out at two a.m. I will be at your window. You’ll

know when it’s me.

-Steve

P.S. Eat this note.”

Scott scratched his head...shrugged...and crammed the note into his mouth.

________________________________________________________________

Gary opened his eyes to see the first pink rays of dawn tincturing the sky. He sighed a happy sigh and stretched luxuriously, only to find a sharp pain in his ribs and on the right side of his hip.

“Hum...must’ve slept wrong.” He reasoned.

He stood up groggily, rubbing his balding head with a calloused hand as he tried to recall the past nights events.

“Let’s see...”, he thought out loud. “There was the dream...the train...the jet...and...Batman! What happened to him anyway?”

Just then Gary noticed a piece of paper and a can of ‘Spaghetti-o’s’ lying off to the side. Gary stooped to pick up the piece and paper and saw that there was some writing scrawled on it, in handsome green print. It read:

“Dear Irish Guy I Saved,

Sorry I had to leave you, but that croc hunter guy escaped

from Arkum Asylum again, and was going after the mayor’s pet iguana,

so I had to leave and apprehend him. Be back to get you off building

ASAP. Brought you some ‘Spaghetti-o’s’ so you don’t starve.

-Batman”

Gary carefully folded the letter and placed it in his hip pocket. Then he sat down and picked up the can of Spaghetti-o’s to examine it.

“How am I supposed to open this thing?” He pondered.

________________________________________________________________

Sean turned the knob on the back door, only to find it was locked.

“Crap.” he muttered.

With the strength that comes only from desperation, Sean reared back, raised his leg high and kicked the door down. He then dashed through the doorway and into the kitchen, with a wild look in his bloodshot eyes. He stood stock still, but for his heaving chest, and listened. The house was still. But wait! ...What was that?

Sean quietly tiptoed across the kitchen with the skill of an Indian brave, then stopped and listened again. Nothing could be heard but the gentle sound of running water. Sean let out a grunt, put his nose to the carpet and crawled around the house on all fours as he tried to locate where the sound was coming from. His ears finally led him to the bathroom. The door was closed, but there was light peeking out from beneath it, and the sound of raspy wheezing coming from behind it.

Sean exhaled...crossed himself, and opened the door to find....Dominique, in a handsome suit sans a jacket. The aliens huge jet black eyes were fixed immovably on Sean and his tiny mouth was slightly agape, exposing white fangs against a large green face that was wide at the top and grew narrower towards the bottom to a small, pointed, barely-there chin.

________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, at Professor Charles Xavier’s school for gifted young people in Westchester, New York, trouble was brewing...

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times!“ screamed Scott Summers, also called “Cyclops, ”No smoking! And especially no smoking in bed! It‘s dangerous! Grannie says so!”

“Look, bub. You don’t hafta go postal on me.” Logan, also called “Wolverine”, coolly replied, “I told ya I’m tryin’ to quit.”

But Scott was adamant.

“I’m tired of your disrespect for authority, Logan! And what’s more, the first thing tomorrow I’m going to ask the professor to kick you off the team!”

“That does it Mr. Nuclear Retina! You can’t fire me! I quit! I’m outta here!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Ok!”

“Ok!”

“Go then!”

“I’m going!”

“Fine!”

“Fine.”

And without another word, Logan shoved Scott out of his room, slammed the door and began packing.

________________________________________________________________

Before Sean could even think, Dominique caught him off guard with a swift karate chop and a roundhouse. Sean fell to the ground, but before he could move, Dominique placed his loafer clad foot on Sean’s chest.

“Move and I smash every major organ in your body.” the alien threatened. Sean cringed at the sound of the alien’s obnoxiously high pitched and monotone voice. But try as he might, Sean could not hide the terror in his stuttering.

“Uh..I...uh...der...”

Just then Rose burst into the bathroom.

“Sean!” she shrieked, “What are you doing to Dominique?!”

“I’m not doing anything to Dominique!” he gasped.

“You know this man, Rose?” Dominique asked, with a quizzical tilt of his head.

“Yes!” Rose replied, “He’s my...well, he’s my....”

“Her husband.” Sean finished, still gasping.

Dominique’s demeanor quickly became accommodating.

“Oh yes!” he exclaimed, offering Sean a tentacle to help him up from the ground. “Sorry about that. My Ju Jitsu training just kicked in. I thought you were a burglar. But it’s awfully nice to finally meet you and put a face to a name! I‘ve heard so much about you!”

“From who?” Sean stammered.

“Why, from your wife, of course!”

“...my WIFE?!?!”

“Yes. She speaks of you all the time.”

Sean wheeled around to face Rose.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!”, he cried.

“Neither can I!” Rose retorted, “Dominique, I told you not to tell!”

________________________________________________________________

Scott laid agitatedly in his hospital bed, waiting for the clock to turn to the 2. For the past four hours he had been racking his brain, trying to remember if he had ever met a man named Steve. And after four hours...he had come up empty.

Then a thought struck him! It hurt at first, but eventually waned away to a dull ache. This was obviously a trick! One of Sweetie’s surviving cronies was gonna pose as a guy named Steve, risk his neck climbing 12 stories to the window of Scott’s room, help Scott get as far as the prison courtyard and then let the guards catch Scott while he fled to the shadows and laugh his butt off as he watched Scott get dragged away and given an even heavier sentence for attempting an escape! He could see it all now! It was so simple! Oh, how could he have been so blind?!

________________________________________________________________

“What do you mean, he promised not to tell?!” Sean demanded.

“I...well, I....I....”, Before she could think of an excuse, Rose’s eyes filled with tears and she threw herself prostrate onto the floor, heaving and sobbing uncontrollably, her fins flipping wildly.

“Rose?” Sean’s voice was gentle and apologetic. “Rose, honey, get a grip. I didn’t mean for you to get all upset. Rose? Rose, what’s the-?”

He was interrupted by a piercing shriek from Dominique as the alien dropped to the floor and curled into a fetal position. He was groaning and screaming miserably.

Rose stopped crying long enough to lift a mascara-smudged face, and kneel beside Dominique.

“Dominique, baby? Whatever’s the matter?” she crooned.

But Dominique didn’t answer. He was too busy screaming, moaning and cursing.

“Someone has a severe ca-ca mouth, you know that?” Sean sternly, “And I’ll thank you not to use that kind of language in my bathroom.”

Rose shot a deathly glare at Sean, as Dominique attempted to sit up. He seemed calmer now.

“Sorry about that.” he apologized, “I’m just having a really bad outbreak this week.”

“Outbreak?” Sean repeated.

“Outbreak?!” Rose echoed.

“Yeah.” Dominique replied, “From my herpes.”

“Herpes!” Rose cried incredulously, “Oh my poor baby! That’s just awful! We must get you to a doctor right a-....wait a minute...I don’t see any herpes...”

Then her face twisted into a look of both disgust and horror.

“Are you trying to tell me that you have genital herpes?!” she shrieked.

“Actually, I’m trying to keep from telling you.” Dominique said, blushing.

“Genital herpes, eh Dominique?” Sean replied smugly, “ Well, we’ll just have to get you an ice pack, won’t we? In the meantime, why don’t you lay down on mine and Rose’s bed? I’m sure your genitals are familiar with the place!”

________________________________________________________________

Logan sped along on Scott’s motorcycle that he‘d stolen, not giving a thought to the road that lay before him. He knew he should be wearing a helmet, but he didn’t have one of his own, and Scott’s probably had cooties. He wished for the millionth time that he still had his motor home, but that idea went down the poop shoot after it had spontaneously exploded no more than a few months ago. He tried to reassure himself again that a motorcycle better suited his lifestyle anyway, but when all a man has is a stolen motorcycle and a duffel bag filled with beer and underwear, a man’s gotta wonder about where his life is headed....

________________________________________________________________

Gary plopped down on an old bucket he’d found and mulled over ways to enter the golden land of tomato-y pasta goodness. And again...he thought of nothing. As he stared at the can, he noticed the cartoon “O” on the product’s label. It was staring...smiling...taunting him.

Gary couldn’t take it anymore. He jumped up from the bucket and repeatedly slammed that blasted can into the cement...over and over again.

“DIE! DIE!” he screamed maniacally, “DIE! I WANT YOU TO DIE! WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”

On that last throw, the can burst open, sending Spaghettio‘s in all directions through the air. Gary fell to his knees, tilted his head back, and let the wave of pasta and tomato sauce flow over him.

________________________________________________________________

“Here’s your tea.” Aunt May offered warmly.

“Oh, thank you.” Marty replied graciously and took a nice long sip from the cup held out to her. She sighed happily as the tea warmed and soothed her long since empty stomach. But she was distressed once again when she heard heated whispers coming from the kitchen.

Aunt May poured her own cup of tea and sat down next to Marty on the gray, overstuffed loveseat.

“So, my dear, how long do you plan on staying in New York?”

“Oh, “ Marty said, trying to sound casual, “Just long enough for the reunion, I guess. Two or three days...maybe.”

“Well, that’s too bad.” Aunt May replied, “I’d hope we could enjoy your company for longer.”

“Yeah well....a girl’s gotta keep moving.”

Suddenly Mary Jane burst into the room. She was drooling and her face was flushed.

Aunt May stood up quickly, spilling her hot tea all over Marty’s lap in the process.

“Ow!” Marty yelped as she jumped up from her seat and began to blot at her lap furiously with a napkin.

“Shut up, you little witch!” Mary Jane screamed as she grabbed the napkin from Marty’s hand.

Marty glared at Mary Jane.

“What did you call me?!” She demanded.

“You heard me you...you...slutty...ugly...jezebel!!”

Aunt May gasped.

“Jezebel?!” Peter echoed.

“Yes! And I command her to leave this house at once!”

Now it was Marty’s turn to gasp.

“Hold on a minute, MJ.” Peter intervened, stepping between the attacker and attackee. “This is my house and I decide who goes and who stays. And I say that Mar-, I mean...Alexis stays.

“Is that so?” Mary Jane asked coldly.

“Yes...that’s so.”

She smirked and turned to Aunt May, who had been silent this whole time.

“Aunt May, what do you think? Does the tramp stay or go?”

“Actually, I-” the old woman began. But Mary Jane cut her off.

“See? She agrees with me!”

“Fine then!” Peter shouted, “But if she goes....I go!”

“Very well.” Mary Jane replied calmly, “I’ll give you fifteen minutes to pack your things and get out.”

Peter was aghast.

“What?! You can’t throw me out of my own house!”

“Oh yeah?!” she snapped, “Watch me! And you only have fourteen minutes left!”

“But I...I...”Peter stuttered. Then he turned to Aunt May, whose expression was blank. “Aunt May! Say something!”

“Thirteen minutes left.” She simply said.

Peter couldn’t believe what was happening!

“Fine then!” he shouted, “C’mon, Marty!”

“Ah,ha! So her name isn’t really Alexis!” Mary Jane sneered.

But Peter didn’t hear her. He’d already grabbed Marty by the arm, dragged her upstairs to his room and slammed the door shut.

“Change back into your own clothes, Marty.” he grunted as he pulled two large suitcases out of his closet. “We’re outta here.”

Marty changed while Peter desperately tried to cram everything he owned into the two suitcases, but to no avail. He finally settled for only bring the necessities.

“Where are we going to go, Peter?” Marty asked with concern.

“Don’t worry,” he said, throwing his Spiderman suit into the suitcase, “I have some friends in Westchester. They’ll help us out. Well, I’m ready. Are you?”

“Yup.”

“Alright then.”

And with that, Peter removed Mary Jane’s photo from it’s frame, tore it into a billion little pieces and burned them with his Bunsen burner. Then he took the two suitcases, grabbed Marty’s hand, and waltzed out the front door, without looking back.

________________________________________________________________

It was two a.m. and Scott’s eyes were wild and bloodshot. He was filled with paranoia and every sound made him jump. He was trying to stifle a scream when he heard it....a gentle breeze blowing through his window. His eyes darted back and forth as he quietly slipped his Uzi out from under his pillow and prepared to fire.

________________________________________________________________

Guy silently pulled up a block away from the Fourth National Bank of New York City. He was in his Viper again, but it was no longer conspicuous in this huge metropolis anyway. After retrieving his trusty semi-automatic from his massive home in Oakland, he and Merle drove to his friend’s hideout to pick up the Viper. Guy was feeling a bit skittish that day, so he shot the guy, just in case he’d squeal about the robberies. Then, the two lovers drove the Viper to New York. As Guy set the parking brake he began to think of all the things that could go wrong, as he always did before he pulled a job. He gathered his confidence by straightening his shoulders.

“Is this the place?” Merle asked.

“Yeah.” he replied as he slid out of the front seat. Merle followed suit.

Guy crossed over the front of the car, to the curb where Merle was waiting.

“Now, are you sure you know the plan?” He asked nervously.

“Yes, Guy.” She said impatiently. “Don’t be so nervous.”

“Alright.” came his reply and he began limping toward the entrance of the bank. But Merle stopped him.

“Don’t forget to set the security system.” she reminded him.

“Oh yeah,” he said, remembering.

He limped back to the car and pressed a big red button on his remote-keyless entry that was labeled “Fluffy Bunnies”. Merle had mentioned that it sounded less suspicious than “Homicide”, which is what Guy had wanted to label it.

“Now remember,” he warned, “Don’t....touch...the car!”

“I know, I know.” Merle said sounding impatient again.

As the two of them began to walk towards the entrance of the bank, Guy casually glanced across the street, where he saw a transvestite with a koala on it’s head shooting floating handcuffs with a waffle iron and loudly chewing on some vinyl records.

“Hm.” Hugh remarked, and never gave it a second thought.

________________________________________________________________

As the wind whipped wildly through his already unruly hair, Logan was concentrating hard. So hard that his brow furrowed...and his head kind of hurt. He shook his head, trying to clear his muddled thoughts, in an attempt to concentrate on the road. But the thought continued to nag at him and gnaw at his very soul. The trivia question that had been on the radio haunted him.

“How many seasons did the original Star Trek series run?” it had asked.

The answer was right on the tip of Logan’s tongue, buried deep somewhere within the dark chasm of his mind. However, the thought seemed to have gotten lost on it’s way to the front of his mind. Was it two? Four?? Twelve??? He just didn’t know.

But one thing he did know - he was hungry. Very hungry. Not to mention that he had to go to the bathroom.

His hazel eyes were squinted to fight against the wind as they darted back and forth, searching relentlessly for a rest area. So intent was his search, that he never saw the tall, looming obstacle before him. The one that threw him from his bike until he landed facedown in the dirt, 30 yards away.

As he felt something warm and wet gush down his legs, he realized that he didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore.

________________________________________________________________

Guy rubbed his palms furiously against the sides of his jeans in an effort to quell the profuse sweating erupting from them. He just couldn’t figure out why he was so nervous about pulling this job. It wasn’t as if he had never robbed a bank before. So what was his problem?

Perhaps it was his attractive new partner that was throwing him off. Her long blonde hair glistened like spun gold in the sunlight that was playing and dancing through the silky strands. Her large brown eyes had a determined gleam in them that made Guy’s legs turn to jelly whenever he looked at her. And her figure was...uh...

“Ok, forget about her figure.” he thought to himself.

His eyes wandered down to her enormously swollen stomach. Guy was surprised that Merle hadn’t exploded yet. He hoped that her waddling problem was only temporary, for fear of not making a fast enough get away. He looked down at his own feet. That limp of his could also slow them down. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea....

When Guy looked back up, Merle was no longer there.

“Merle?” He called softly, “...Merle?!”

“Shh! Silence, fool!” Merle’s voice hissed from somewhere.

“Where are you?” Guy whispered back.

“Over here, in the alley. And don’t call me Merle. Call me ‘Manny’.”

“Manny?”

“Shh!”

“Manny?” he repeated quieter.