Chapter 30
Of all the times in his life, this
was one time when he felt completely lost.
He had been through some crazy things in his life, with her and
without. From everything, from things
that had happened in his family, in his career, in his love life before her, in
his subconscious love life with her and now, now in reality with her, he had
been through more than he ever thought someone could go through, more than he
expected himself to be able to stand.
And now, with her beside him, curled up, tears on her face and trying
her best not to look back at him by staring out of the car window into
darkness, he felt so lost, more lost than ever. It wasn’t that he was clueless
and it wasn’t that he had no control over this situation. He was partly responsible for this. He couldn’t blame this on his dreams and he
couldn’t blame this on her. In fact,
there was no blame.
It was all just one big failure,
one big slow approaching failure.
When she called him the weekend
before, upset and slurring her words, he knew that something was wrong and
during the three days in between her calling and him making it out to
Part of him expected him to fly
across country, come to her doorstep and have her shut it in his face right
after telling him it was over. But
that’s not what happened and after a night of her trying her best to seem
normal, of getting him in bed and making love to him, then pretending to sleep
afterward but really crying silently, he knew that this was not going to be the
clean break that he was expecting from her.
It was going to be messy.
And it had only started an hour
and a half before when she asked him to go for a drive with her.
They drove out and away from her
apartment through
But now, now parked in a vacant
lot near a park somewhere, someplace where he probably didn’t know how to get
back, he wished and prayed that they could find the right road easily and get
back to her place. He knew it wouldn’t
be that easy. It was what was at fault
with everything in their relationship:
It had been too easy and now the hard part was quickly falling down on
them like a giant steel beam, let go by the massive crane holding it up,
moments away from flattening them into the ground like cartoon characters.
But this wasn’t a cartoon, as much
as he wished it was, he didn’t really want to get up if he would be left in the
shape of a zigzag, making accordion noises every time he moved. She was crying harder now and she hadn’t said
a thing the whole ride and he couldn’t stand it.
It was too much and he gripped the
steering wheel in his hands, filled his lungs and expelled the air roughly,
forcing his back hard into the leather seat and letting his hands fall down
into his lap. He stared right in front
of him towards the park and playground that the two beams of headlights from
her car were illuminating everything in an eerie way. Finally he said, “I can’t handle this
Darcy. I can’t handle you crying and not
telling me why. You did it last night…”
She sniffed harshly and he looked over at her and she was staring at him. As soon as their eyes met, hers darted into
her lap where her hands were clasped together tightly. “And you’re doing it now.”
“I can’t handle this either,” she
whispered.
“So you’re just gonna give up?” He
boldly asked in a firm voice, not nearly as shy and timid as hers was. Part of him was furious. How could something he worked so hard at,
something that controlled so much of his life for so long, completely blow up
in his face and just cease to exist like a snap?
He thought they were working at
this. He thought they were trying to get
better.
She stared at him, “What?”
And they were trying, and they
were failing. “I’m not dumb…” He licked his lips and looked outside where a
few swings were swaying in the wind, like small invisible kids were sitting in
them not pumping their legs into the air, but just letting them dangle
underneath them. It was the type of
sight that would have scared him shitless as a child, but now as an adult, it
just kind of made him sad. “I knew this
was coming.”
“Then why have you done this?” She said in a loud, croaking voice. “Why did you spend last night with me and all
today? Why are you dragging it out?”
“Cause I was hoping you’d prove me
wrong. I was hoping I’d get out here
and, and maybe, maybe what my head was screaming at me, that…that you were
done, that you couldn’t handle us anymore, maybe that was a lie. But it’s not, is it?”
“I can’t help it.” He watched her brush her fingers over her
face and wipe her nose with her shirt sleeve.
He didn’t say anything when he realized it was one of his earlier in the
day, one he must have left at her place another time. He had to wonder if she knew she was wearing
it, and if she did, what that meant…if anything. “It’s not like I want this.”
“Then why do it?”
“Because dammit Justin!” She hit the dashboard with her palm and
leaned forward onto it. He took a good
look at her. Her hands were shaking and
she looked thin, thinner than he had ever noticed. “It’s making me crazy. You’re…you’re just driving me insane and I
can’t function like that.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do
Darcy?” He yelled. “What the FUCK am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t…”
He cut her off. This wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t going to
let anyone blame him for something that was so out of his control. He was
trying, dammit. He was trying and
fighting for her harder than he had fought for anyone, even himself. “Ya know I’m fucking sorry I’ve made you
insane or whatever the fuck it is. Maybe
now you know how I felt for fucking years of my life!! I didn’t ask for this! In fact, I tried to protect you from it. That’s why I didn’t tell you cause…cause I
knew this would happen. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. God, I can’t even fucking handle it. But what….what makes me so fucking angry is
that you don’t believe me.”
“Yes I do.”
“No, no you don’t.” He shook his head, he couldn’t look at her
anymore. His anger was swelling and he
was about ready to get out of the car and leave her. He didn’t want to hear what she had to
say. He didn’t want to hear her say that
they were through. “You don’t believe
that I really love you. And that….I
can’t explain it and I can’t help what happened to me before we met or even the
circumstances of how we got together, but…but what I feel for you isn’t fake
Darcy. It’s not just made up in my
head! This is real….it’s…it’s the most
real I’ve ever fucking felt in a god damn relationship. And you just want to take that away cause you
don’t believe me!”
It was silent in the car and he
struggled to control his breathing. Now his hands were shaking, and she was
back to looking out the window.
Finally, she said calmly and
softly, “I can’t compete with a fantasy Justin.”
“I never asked you to.”
She sighed and he slid down
against his seat, staring up at the ceiling of the car, fighting with himself
not to break down about this, not to curl up and cry like he had about so many
things. He couldn’t be weak about this,
but at the same time he couldn’t stand fighting with her. It was frustrating that she couldn’t just put
up with him and believe that he loved her.
He felt the more he fought for her the farther he sunk, and he was
having a hard time keeping his head above the surface. And it would be so easy to just let go, to just
give up.
He ran his hands over his head and
opened his eyes wide trying to keep the tears in check. “I can’t do this either.” He bit his lip and looked at her and wiped
angrily at his face. He was trying to be
strong and he was failing. He felt like
he couldn’t do anything right.
“Justin…”
He leaned against the steering
wheel like he was lifeless, like it was all that was holding him up. It’s how he felt. His mind was exhausted but his body felt
tired as well, and he felt like nothing would be better than falling
asleep. “I’m trying really hard right
now, really hard. Look…” He pushed himself back up but couldn’t bring
himself to look at her and stared straight ahead. “I know I’m not the strongest man in the
world and I know I’ve been through a lot that’s, that’s affected me and made me,
I guess, I don’t know…weak. But I can’t
just sit here and let you…let you break up with me when I don’t…when I’ve done
everything I can to make this right.”
“But it’s not really about what
you’ve done Justin.”
“Then what is this about?” He turned and looked at her desperately,
searching her face and her eyes for some clue, some answer to tell him what to
do and how to fix this. “I just, I mean,
if you love me….” He reached over and
grabbed her hand with his. “We’ve been through a lot and done so much together. You can’t deny the time we’ve spent together,
that was real Darcy. We didn’t make that
up in our heads.”
She pulled her hand away and he
could sense there was something she was keeping from him. “I…I was so afraid of this…”
He felt sick. “Of what?”
She took a moment, licked her lips
and then said, “When I left you and didn’t say anything and…and then got in
touch with you again I could just hear it in your voice how…how broken you were. Every time I think about that I think about
all the times that we were together and you would just break down and it scared
me. It scared me so bad, so…so I tried
to push that away and I tried to be with you and make it work, but I was so
scared that everything I did or said would just fuck you up and just make you
fall and make you break. I started
forgetting myself in the process and now, now I feel like I might be the one to
break.”
Of all the things she had ever
said or done to him, he felt like this was the most biting, this was the
worst. She thought he was weak and
thought he couldn’t handle anything.
And, and maybe he was and maybe he couldn’t handle anything, but he…he
didn’t want her thinking that. He
wanted her to see him as strong, as capable, not as fucked up and
withered.
“I’m not some fucking porcelain
figurine Darcy! I know I sometimes get
emotional but…but fuck!” He hit his hand
against the car door, he felt like he could kill something if he was
allowed. He was angry, furious, and he
was having a hard time keeping that anger in check and underneath the
surface. “I’m tired of you and everyone
else, my mom, Trace, fucking everyone thinking I’m some fragile little boy who
can’t control himself!” He yelled and turned to glare at her. “That’s what you think, isn’t it?”
“I…I don’t know what I think.”
“Forget what you think Darcy.” He hit the steering wheel with his palm again
and then crossed his arms over his chest to keep him from hitting anything
else. “What do you know? Do you even believe that I love you? That I ever did?”
“Stop it!” She screeched and it made his arms slacken,
loosen and fall against his sides. He
just stared at her. She was crying
again, this time really hard and she kept wiping at her face and trying to keep
a stern look, but every few seconds her face would scrunch up and she’d sob
just a little bit more. “I just…It’s
hard for me Justin! My whole life I’ve
been trying to be someone’s perfect woman.
That’s all I want. I just want to
make a man happy and have him do the same for me and…and I don’t want there to
be drama and I don’t want there to be all this other shit that gets in the
way. I just want it to be simple. Nothing, not a fucking thing in my life has
ever been simple and that’s all I want.”
She sucked in a breath, narrowed
her eyes at him and said, “And…and I find you and I think maybe, maybe I can
have that and I fucking get that. And
then what happens? I find out what I
thought I had wished for my whole life and finally received wasn’t simple and
it wasn’t just going to be perfect like, like it had been up until that
point. And then I thought I’d try again
and get past it and make it simple again, but its so complicated now and so
fucked up that half the time when I’m with you I’m trying so hard to be
perfect. I use to not have to do that
with you.”
“Cause you weren’t thinking about
trying before,” he replied softly. “You were just yourself and you were with me
and you didn’t have to think about anything and….and I stopped thinking about
everything and I started just living and being with you and…and it was
perfectly simple Darcy, it was.”
“But it’s not Justin, nothing’s
ever simple and perfect. This…this has
proved that to me.”
“So that’s it then? Since I couldn’t fit into this simple perfect
mold for you it’s over?” She shook her
head but didn’t say anything. He started
to laugh, she was being hypocritical and he couldn’t stand it. “Ya know, you say you can’t compete with a fantasy,
well I sure as hell can’t compete with perfection.”
“I...I just need some time.”
“So you expect me to just wait
around, hoping you’ll suck it up and be ok to be with me?”
“Justin…”
He stared at her and bit his lip,
trying not to cry. It was hard and he
broke through and once he started he had a hard time stopping. “Cause….”
He sniffed. “Cause I will, and
you know that.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He kept crying, but turned in his
seat and looked at her dead on. “It was
so good Darcy, it…it was the best I’ve ever, ever had. I swear, I swear I’ve never felt like this
before. I was with Britney for more than
three years and…and it was never like this.”
“I know, I know, but I can’t go
back to that now and…” She gripped her
hair and sighed. She was crying with
him. “And neither can you.”
He grabbed at her hands and
brought them against him, pulling her closer until he was able to pull her into
a hug. She went willingly and clutched
onto him at first and then pulled her arms around his neck and buried her face against
his shoulder. “You can’t just forget
about all the time we spent getting to know each other,” he whispered. “And…and all the times we…we had sex…” He pulled back trying to look into her
eyes. “I never felt connected like that
before Darcy. Don’t…don’t throw that away.”
“I’m not trying to. But I can’t
help that…that it’s starting to fade for me, that I just can’t do it anymore.”
“Then, then what can I do to stop
that?”
She bowed her head, her hands on
his shoulders, the console in between the bucket seats preventing them from
being able to be closer. “You can’t do
anything Justin, that’s…that’s what’s so bad.
It’s…it’s just out of our hands.
I mean, we could keep trying but it would just put off the
inevitable. I…” She sighed and looked up at him, panic in her
voice. “I just can’t do this anymore.
I…I wish…I wish I could but…but I just can’t.”
“Darcy…” He couldn’t help himself and couldn’t stand
the panic in her voice, so he leaned in to kiss her. She didn’t protest and kissed him back. He held her against him and tried to pull her
over against him, but it was hard to do so and he let himself just touch her
face as he kissed her and kept his hand there when he pulled away. “Please don’t give up on me. I’ll do what you tell me. Please…”
He was begging her. “It’s
not…it’s not insanity Darcy, it’s not some weird psychological thing….” She bit her lip and he knew she was about to
break. She plunged into him, crying into
his neck and clutching his t-shirt. He
rubbed her back and whispered to her. “It was fate. Please believe that.”
“I tried to, I did. But I just can’t. It’s not how I work and…and I’m really sorry
for that.” She sniffed and pulled away, pulling back to her seat and wiping her
sleeve against her face. “But I just can’t waste any more energy on
something that, that I knew two months ago would never work out.” She sighed and the feeling of nausea came
back over him like a tsunami. “I’m tired
of crying about this and I’m tired of being so up and down and losing sleep and
getting sick and being so fucking unsure of everything in my life that I don’t
even know what I’m doing. And…and right
now all that makes sense to me is….is ending it so…so I can step back, get
myself together and see if there’s any way to fix it.”
It seemed reasonable and it seemed
logical. But there was a thought that
was echoing inside his head. And he knew
that it was probably the most likely outcome of her attempt to fix this. She might not be able to and he knew that and
he had to make sure she knew that, “And if you can’t?”
“Justin…”
“This is it.” He threw up his hands and let them fall back
down. “Don’t...don’t act like it’s gonna
get better or that you’ll be able to come back to me cause…cause we both know
that’s a lie. You don’t have to try and
make it easier. I’d rather have no hope
than have some hope and it be crushed.”
“I’m not doing this cause I don’t
love you.”
His head hit the headrest and he
closed his eyes. This was too hard to
deal with, too difficult to really comprehend and he was trying his damndest
not to break down in front of her. “I
know you love me Darcy. And I guess in a
way that’s…that’ll have to be enough.
Right?” He glanced at her and she
was staring out in front of her again.
She didn’t move or say a thing and he knew that that was it. It was gone just like that, like it was a
flimsy, used napkin that fluttered out of an open car window on the
freeway. And he’d never get it
back.
He cleared his throat and said, “I
should get you back.” But it came out
much weaker and more of a whisper than he planned.
He sat there for a moment and
hoped to God that she would tell him to wait, tell him to stop and kiss him
again like she had moments before, but different--not a sad kiss, not a goodbye
kiss, but one that would beg for him to stay and forget everything she just
said. Because he would. He’d erase it from his mind and just be with
her and really, truly be happy and all this bull shit in their relationship
would disappear and it would be perfect.
But she didn’t say anything to
him. She sat there, looking down at her
hands in her lap, waiting. So with a
deep breath he cranked the engine, wiped his face with his hand for a moment
and then slowly backed out of the parking lot, got on the road and took her
back to Manhattan and her life, that she didn’t want him to be apart of.
----
The door felt like a dead weight
and he cursed it, completely forgetting the thankfulness he had moments before
that no one noticed him and no one bothered him as he walked into the hotel and
rode the elevator by himself. Sometimes
he really did feel like a damn child.
He fell against the door when it
closed and hit his head twice against it, hoping this was a dream and he’d be
jolted out of it. But that didn’t happen. Instead he stayed there, lifelessly against
the doorway. The TV in the main room was
on, he could hear it click off, heard someone get up and then Trace peaked his
head into the foyer area of the hotel suite and smiled, “Hey…what…” His smile suddenly dropped, his whole body
came into view and he stood still ten feet in front of Justin.
Justin could see his best friend
gulp and then mouth to himself, “shit.”
But Justin couldn’t handle being
stared at and didn’t care how horrible his appearance was. He pushed himself off the door and slowly
walked further into the suite, trying to make his way to his bed. “We stopped
here, so she could get her car back. I
got out of the drivers seat, she got in and, and just drove…just drove away.”
“Were you right?” Trace was
whispering.
He stopped right beside Trace and
didn’t look at him. He had told his best
friend on the flight here that he thought this was about them breaking up, even
though Trace told him he didn’t think so, even wanted to bet on it to cheer him
up. But it didn’t work. Justin nodded slowly. “Yes…yes I was right.”
“What…” Justin turned to finally look at him and
Trace shook his head and looked away, “what a fucking waste of time.”
“What?”
He leaned against the opposite
wall and shrugged, “You spend years dreaming about this girl, she comes into
your life…for what? Just to leave you?”
He had never thought of his time
with Darcy as a waste and now, now that Trace had said it, now that Trace
seemed to believe him and be on his side, it did kind of feel that way. He felt like he had put up with so much shit,
put his own insecurities on the line to try and be with her and make this work
and it all blew up in his face and nothing was left, not a crater, not
shattered pieces of glass, not even smoke. It was like it had never happened. Yet, somehow it had. The woman of his dreams had become real, not
just literally, but the woman he had always wanted, ever since he was
little. Darcy was it for him, she was
who he wanted--who he needed to be with.
But it was all for nothing.
“I…I just don’t know.”
“Are you ok?”
Justin shrugged off the hand Trace
had placed on his shoulder and walked straight towards his bedroom. “I’ll be
fine.”
“Justin….don’t lie.”
He stopped at the doorway and looked
down at the floor. “I don’t really have
a choice, do I Trace? I just…I got to
suck it up. Dwelling won’t do a damn thing now.”
“You-” He turned to look at his friend and opened
the door. Trace just clamped his mouth
shut and said, “ok.”
Justin opened the door and said, “Don’t
wake me tomorrow morning, ok?” He didn’t
wait for a response and closed the door behind him before throwing himself down
on the bed. It was huge and yet he felt like it wasn’t big enough. He wanted it to swallow him whole. He pressed
his face against the covers hoping it would suffocate him. But it didn’t. He beat the mattress with his fists, pushed
himself up and flipped himself over to stare at the ceiling.
“Fuck.”
He covered his face with both his
arms and let out a sigh, hoping that it would make him a little better, but as
soon as his breath was let go, he let go and he curled himself up on the bed
and cried, beating anything he could find with his hands, “He…he’s so fucking
right.” Finally he stopped and moved to press his palms into his eyes. This wasn’t going to do any good, nothing
was. It was over and he didn’t even know
what to think about it.
He started to laugh though his
tears came harder. He shook his head and
mumbled to himself, “What a god damn waste.”
Everything instantly became
pointless to him, crying, laughing, laying there staring at the ceiling, all of
it. So slowly he pushed himself up, he
undressed and got into bed, sniffing and wiping away the last of his tears. He turned on the TV, stared at it blankly and
silently promised himself he wasn’t going to get emotional about this or
anything else. It was over, she was
through with him, and there was not a damn thing he could do about it.
So he wasn’t going to try. She wanted to give up on them, so he let her.
And he gave up as well.