Thump...thump...thump...He could hear his own heart beat.

Sniff...He could hear her crying.

A deep breath, a whimpered exhale...

And then silence as the car was shut off.

Justin didn't take his hands off the steering wheel, and he didn't move his gaze from the door that led to their house, inside the garage. He was in a state of shock, a state of fear, a state of numbness. He couldn't feel a thing, except her eyes...on him.

He sucked in a sharp breath and turned only his watery blue eyes to her. She choked, again on her tears and fumbled to get her seatbelt undone. When she did, she quickly jetted out of the car, slamming the car door behind her.

As the door shut, it made him sick, it made him remember.

"...There is something wrong with your wife's..."

The screen door slammed and he watched her run, disappear into the house.

"...I'm sorry Justin but there's only a 10% chance that you two will be able..."

He gripped the steering wheel, making his knuckles pure white and slowly whispered, "God...damn...it..."

His teeth gritted and his jaw locked as he unbuckled his seatbelt, took the keys from the ignition and exited his car. He took his time, knowing as soon as he stepped foot into the house, his hell would begin.

----------

An hour later...

She had cried all of her tears. Her eyes hurt so bad that she just kept them closed. Her face felt sticky from her tears and her voice dry from her sobs. So she just lay there, cuddled up to her pillow, trying not to do a thing.

She couldn't think, could barely breathe, and if she did she didn't want to. For the first time in life she was torn. She had two options, she could die or she could hope this was all just some mistake. Maybe the doctors had gotten her chart messed up with someone else, and someone else had the problem, and not her.

The doctors had explained to her what was wrong, but she didn't care. She didn't WANT to know. Never in her life she had thought about this. It had never even entered in her mind that just maybe, she wouldn't be able to do this.

She wouldn't be able to have children.

And then...to top it off...there was him, sitting here, breathing like he had just ran a race, mouth and eyes wide open, looking at HER for answers and yet not asking a single question. He didn't speak to her at all, not one word since they parted in the doctors office when she was on her way to get a check up...when she was on her way to hell.

She thought he would have held her, loved her, and told her that it would all be ok. That he would fight this for her, they would fight together and it someway they would be all right. But he didn't.

And she knew why.

He couldn't say it would all be ok, because the truth was, it wouldn't be. The one thing he had ever wanted, a child of his own, and she couldn't give it to him.

That death option was starting to look better and better than the hope one...

Whenever she got upset about something she usually got nervous and anxious as well, and when she got anxious the need to do something usually overpowered her. Almost like an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her lungs filled quickly with air and she sat up on the bed. Her feet carried her to her bedroom door. It was almost 3 in the afternoon and she was in a blue silk, long nightgown, ready for bed. The house was cold, but she didn't bother putting a robe over herself. The coldness somehow kept her from feeling sick.

Step after step took her casually down the steps, through the foyer, past the den and into the kitchen.

Her trembling hands put dirty dishes in the dishwasher as her racing thoughts were around one thing, where he was.

She didn't know. And even though he hadn't said a word to her, and probably wouldn't for a while, she still wished she knew where he was. His keys were lying on the counter and it eased her mind, slightly, but not nearly enough.

Right beside his keys was the answering machine. The number 3 was blinking. Terror filled her at that blinking number, but curiosity took over, and before she had a chance to stop her actions, she had pressed the play button.

"Message 1- Friday 10:43 am...'Hey guys, Kel here. I know you are still at the doctor or whatever but just call me when ya get out. I just want a little praise on how much of a goddess I am for putting yall in the direction of Dr. Conner. She rocks. Ok, gotta go back to watching a movie with Joe and Bri, later skaters."

Her breath caught in her throat and she was about ready to press stop, but something held her back, and she continued to listen.

"Message 2- Friday 12:57 pm...'Mere it's Chris! Why aren't you at work?! I have SERIOUS news involving the crush that you are too dense to have figured out yet. SERIOUS- OH MY GOD TODAY IS BABY DAY! YAY! I forgot, ok, um..I'm shutting up. Call me when you get in I wanna hear ALLLL about it. Talk to ya later sweetie."

She wanted to rip the answering machine off the counter and throw it against the wall. Her breathing was quickening and she now realized that everyone else was hoping for this too, everyone else was just as naive as she was.

"Message 3- Friday 1:09 pm...'Hey baby, and my other baby. Just call me back when you get back. I thought yall would be in by now but you must have gone to grab lunch. Can't wait to hear about the doctor and what all happened. Love you both, bye."

Her eyes closed and she was thankful that that was the last message. But hearing Lynn's voice didn't help her every much. It was just one more person she had disappointed. She didn't know if her mind would be able to deal with this. It was irony to her. Her body couldn't deal with having a baby and her mind couldn't deal without having a baby.

The compulsive need to do something filled her again and she stalked over to the refrigerator and opened the door. She was going to cook, or clean it out, or do something, when she hear it.

She heard him.

Her hand gripped the door handle tightly and she slowly shut the fridge, resting her forehead on it, closing her eyes, and listening.

He was in the basement. She could hear him growling, grunting, and she could hear the faint sound of something being punched.

If she could have, she would have ran back upstairs and gotten into bed, but her body had another agenda and before she knew it she had opened the door to the downstairs play room and was silently creeping down the carpeted steps.

When she got to the bottom, she cautiously looked around to see him there, boxing gloves on, punching bag swinging back and forth, in his same clothes from the day, but he had taken his shirt off and left his white tank on. It was now stained with sweat.

She held on to the wall, watching him, punch after punch, after grunt after growl, after curse word after another curse word, as he beat the hell out of the punch bag on his side of the playroom where his weights and other workout equipment were.

How long she stood there and watch, she didn't know. But there came a time when she needed him, she needed him to look at her, talk to her, somehow communicate with her. If he couldn't talk to her, she needed to make the effort to try and talk to him.

"Ju..justin..."

When he didn't stop his punching she figured he hadn't heard her. She would have spoken his name louder but her voice was so strained from her crying, it hurt too much. So she just remained silent, and watched him a little more.

And that's when he stopped. With one powerful swing the bag went flying and when it swung back he caught it, rested against it for a moment and then stood back up straight.

"I was wondering when you would say something."

Her eyes widened a bit more and she didn't know what to say so she just watched his back. She watched him pull off his gloves and toss them on the floor, and the watched him as his hands moved to his face and began wiping off his cheeks.

And that's when she realized she wasn't the only one that had been crying.

He turned around and she held on to her stomach, holding down the urge to throw up. "Where have you been?" He asked, staring, not moving.

"Bed."

He gulped and nodded. She had only whispered the word, and he knew it was only a matter of time until they were both going to unwrap and break down into tiny pieces. His hands once again went to his face, over his forehead and hair, holding on to his neck. It couldn't bear looking at her. He had a million emotions right now and he knew he couldn't deal with her emotions as well. He had almost always been the strong one in their relationship. The one who kept his cool, and made everything perfect.

But he couldn't make this perfect, and he couldn't keep his cool this time.

"Meredith I..." He looked up and saw her looking at him, begging him for something. "...I don't know what to say to you."

He watched as her eyes squinted and tears started to fall mercilessly. "I know, God I know. I'm so sorry..." Her hand covered her mouth and she slid down the wall, hugging her knees to her chest and looking away from him.

His arms fell beside him, and he looking at her sobbing. He hurt so badly and he knew she was hurting just as much. He slowly walked over to her and sat down, his back to the wall, right beside her. He didn't touch her because he was scared that once he did he wouldn't be able to control himself and his emotions would come pouring out like a fountain.

After a minute he couldn't help it, and he lifted his hand, and placed it on the back of her head. He smoothed her long brown hair out and then weaved his fingers through the strands, untangling them. Her head lifted and she turned her face to him, keeping her head on her knees. His thumb wiped under her eyes and her right hand came up to cup his cheek and wipe the tears away for him also.

With that, Justin stopped trying to hold back his emotions. His arms wrapped around the silk covering her and pulled her to him, holding her and crying with her.

He felt her switch positions and crawl in between his legs. She sat so her side was leaning against him, and she was facing the now still punching bag. Her tears stained the already damp white wife beater he had on and her hands fisted the material on his side.

"I'm so sorry Justin..I...god, its all my fault isn't it."

His body stiffened against hers and she felt him pulling her so that she would look at him instead of burying her face in his shirt. "Meredith, God...no. We..we'll find a way. We..we can adopt or something."

Her eyes searched his, trying to understand how he could have hope in all of this. "But you want a child of your own, of your own flesh and blood."

His eyes closed, head hit the back of the wall and he breathed, "So do you..."

Her head rested under his chin and she wrapped her arms around his stomach and held on tightly. As her eyes closed she was taken back to a time years ago. A time she almost wished she could take back now.

~~~~~~~~

"I love you. I want to marry you someday." He said yawning.

"Meredith Timberlake. MMM, I like that." She said running a hand along the stubble on his jaw.

"Me too. Man, I want to be able to wake up with you next to me EVERY morning." Justin sighed and pulled her body towards his and leaned back on his bed. She cuddled up to his side, while he rubbed her back affectionately.

"Justin, you practically DO wake up with me every morning. But I know what you mean." She smiled and ran her hand over his chest and stomach in a loving manner.

"I bet our kids will be gorgeous." Meredith rested her chin on Justin's bare chest and looked up at his thoughtful expression.

"And why do you think that. And who says I WANT to have kids?" Justin looked at her with a raised eyebrow and rolled his eyes.

"Our kids WILL be beautiful because you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and well, we all know I'm not TOO ugly."

"Down, ego! DOWN!" Meredith swatted at him.

"I'm just pickin'. That's kinda scary aint it?" He took his free hand and played with her fingers, kissing them and studying them, against his much larger hand.

"What?"

"Us, laying here. Talking about marriage, kids, together. God, I'm barely 20, you're 18. Most kids our age are out wondering if tonight they are going to get laid or not."

"Well, we aren't most kids." Meredith propped herself on one elbow and studied his smiling face.

"True." Justin nodded. He stared back at her, and the two just looked at each other, telling the other things they couldn't with words.

~~~~~~~

She swallowed the lump in her throat, caused by the memory, painfully. Her eyes looked at his hand that was resting on her outer thigh pulling her to him. She couldn't move from the gold band that was on his ring finger. "D..do you hate me now?"

"What? Meredith no...God...we will have a baby, we will." His voice sounded like he was reassuring himself more than her.

She pulled away and she shook her head at him in disbelief. "Did you hear the doctor? A 10% chance..."

"Then there's still a chance." For the first time since they left the doctors office she saw confidence in his eyes, and it was a bit of support that she needed.

Her hands ran over he face and she rubbed her eyes with her palms, trying to ease the pressure and pain that they were feeling. "Why did this have to happen..."

Justin held her wrist and pried her hands form her face. Those strong hands of his then cupped her cheeks and he didn't break from her eyes. And that's when he started to beg. "I don't know. I don't know...but I'm ready to take that 10% chance. I swear to you Meredith if it takes me making love to you every single night for the rest of eternity for this to happen, then lets go for it. Please don't lose hope on this. If..If you do, I...Meredith I can't be your rock for this. This hurts me too..."

"I know..." She nodded.

His head bowed and she watched as tears started falling from his eyes. "God it hurts so much." She had never gotten use to seeing him cry. He had seen her upset a million times, but Justin was a quiet man when it came to emotions. When he did get upset or angry or emotional he would get it out by writing music, working out, or playing a game of basketball. There had only been a few times she had actually seen tears fall from his eyes like this. And she could count on one hand how many times she had heard him sob..like this.

She grabbed his hands in hers. "Can we start on that chance stuff soon?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, clearing his throat.

She licked her lips, looked at the floor and then back dead straight into his dark blue watery eyes. "Will you make love to me today?"

Never in his life had he heard her be that blunt before. She had always been super shy when it came to their sex life, or at least talking about it. She would beat around the bush, say "ya know" and give her signature smile that he knew meant one thing. But this time she didn't smile, she didn't say, "ya know", she just flat out said him. And he was unsure how to take that. "Meredith..i.."

A deep breath and a nod later she whispered. "I understand if you don't want me anymore."

"What?"

She half laughed and shrugged. "I mean what's the point right?"

His head hit the back of the wall again. He couldn't take this much longer. He didn't want to yell at her for beating down on her self like this, especially not at this time. But it was so hard when she kept doing it. "It's not that Meredith. God I'll never stop wanting you. It's just been a really long day."

She fell back against him and just rested there. "Ok."

But the more he thought about it, the more he realized he didn't want her anymore. He needed her. He needed to be close to her in that way, and he needed her to see that he still loved her in every way possible. He knew what other people said about him and his wife and their overzealous sex life, but what they didn't realize was that every time he made love to her he discovered something new, he learned something about her he hadn't before, and he truly believe he touched, felt and saw her soul every time their bodies became one. And feeling her against him, close, holding on, trembling, looking so gorgeous in that blue gown yet so lost and so scared, all he wanted to do was make her feel safe and at home. And that's exactly what he planned on doing.

"Y..you're right." He stuttered.

"I am?"

"Yeah..." Before she knew it he had pushed her away, stood up, then bent back down and cradled her up in his arms, one arm under her knees, another across her back.

"What are you doin?" She searched his eyes for any signs of what was going on.

"Carrying you upstairs."

One of her hand slithered over his shoulder and hooked on to his neck. "Why?"

He was about to start up the steps when his head dipped and his lips touched her forehead, lingered, and then whispered against her face. "You know why..."

There was no better thing he could have done or said at that moment than what he just did. He hadn't carried her to bed like this in a while, and it was comforting to have him hold her in this manner. He trekked silently through the kitchen, den and up the steps to their bedroom, where he gently placed her on the unmade bed from that morning.

She was nervous, like their first time, staying on her side of the bed, trying not to stare at him as he walked to the other side, unzipping his pants in the process. He sat down on the edge of the bed, pulled his shoes and socks off, and the stood up and dropped his pants. It was then when he got into bed with her, under the covers.

She had practically made herself a grave in the mattress, trying her best to just disappear in it. But then Justin leaned over her, reached to her nightstand to turn out the light. Meredith reached up and put a hand on his arm. His eyes turned to hers. "Leave it on, please...I want to be able to see you..."

And it began. His hands touched her through her silk nightgown. Caressing, slightly groping, moving everywhere. Her hands had pulled his tank top over his head and off his body. Her own hands started roaming every piece of him she could touch. His lips had found a place on her neck and his hands were now going down, searching for the hem of her gown. But he still hadn't kissed her, and she wanted him to so badly.

And it wasn't until he had tossed her gown to a far corner of their room, discarded his own underwear and working on hers when she decided to say something about it.

"J..Justin..." She felt his hands moving down her legs as he worked her out of her panties.

"Yeah?"

"W..will you..."

He dropped the last item of clothing on the floor beside the bed, looked up at her, stared and then realized what she wanted. He nodded and slightly smiled. "I haven't kissed you yet."

She bit her lip and shook her head. "No you haven't."

It was then when he crawled back up her body. He stared at her face, watching her waiting on him, waiting for him to make the first move. He grabbed one of her legs and moved it where he wanted and she obliged with her other leg by hooking it around his hip like the other one. He rested on her, one hand on her hip, other cupping her cheek. And it wasn't until he had slightly entered her and her eyes drifted shut at the feeling, when his moved his lips over her, and finally kissed her.

He heard her whimper, whine, and felt her hands holding his face, not letting him get away. His hand on her cheek could feel her tears and though he had never really thought of God in intimate moments like this, he prayed right then that God would somehow make something better, make this go away, or give him the strength to pull through this, because with each of her tears a little part of him chipped off, and he didn't know how much longer he could take.

She let his lips go and whispered against his lips and her hips rocked with his. "I love you."

He was so lost he didn't know what to say back. His breath was shaky and it took all of his strength to just say two simple words. "I..I know."

But those weren't the two- the THREE simple words SHE needed to hear. Back Forward