Christmas Eve...around 7:30

Christmas was a wonderful, wonderful holiday...

...if you had someone to share it with.

But she didn't. Sitting there, staring at her tree, curled on her couch with the mug of hot chocolate in her hand, was nice. But it wasn't enough.

The lights were off, except the colored sparkling lights of the Christmas tree and a few "Christmas scented" candles places around her den.

She was already in her pajamas, listening to the non stop Christmas songs on the soft rock station there.

Most of the presents under her tree had been taken to who they were for earlier that day. The only ones left were for her family.

She kinda wished now she had gone home for Christmas. Maybe the support of her mom and her sister would help her see past all her troubles, and maybe just talking with her dad about nothing in particular could help her ease her mind.

But she was alone in Orlando, and she couldn't help but wonder what he was doing.

He had probably flown out to see his family in Memphis. Or maybe he was alone just like her.

Christmas wasn't the same without him. It had always been her favorite holiday since she could remember, but in the last 8 years it had become a tradition and a ritual that she couldn't live without, and she couldn't bare it without Justin.

Right now Justin wasn't with her, and she wondered if she could get threw the next 24 or more hours without him....without anyone.

Her phone interrupted one of her favorite Christmas songs "Do you hear what I hear?" She thought answering it, but figured it was probably someone calling to wish her a merry Christmas, and as nice as that was, she just wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone.

She knew she would probably break down to whoever it was that was calling, and she didn't want to burden someone with her woes on Christmas eve.

The answering machine picked up and she turned down the volume of the radio so she could hear who it was.

A voice came through, that she hadn't heard in a while, at least a week. If fact it was the last voice she expected to hear.

"Meredith...I know you are home. I called your mother to check to see if you were going back to North Carolina for Christmas. She said you weren't. Please pick up."

She stared at her coffee table in shock. What could he want with her? Especially now?

"I...I'm coming over. If you don't want me to, just pick up, and tell me. But, It's Christmas angel. I don't wanna spend it with anyone but you. And I don't care what's going on with us right now, that's no excuse not to be together. We don't even have to talk, or do anything. I just...I need to be around you. Please."

She wanted to pick up and cry out how much she loved him, but she could move, couldn't speak.

"Dammit Mere I'm, I'm almost home baby. Please, please don't lock me out. Ok, either you are not listening to this or you don't wanna pick up. I understand. If you don't want me over you don't have to answer the door when I come, but im..I'm pulling in the neighborhood now. Don't make me spend Christmas by myself."

And then there was a click, and a dial tone.

A minute went by before she shot out of her seat and sprinted to the bathroom. She checked her teeth, her hair, her appearance and realized she looked like shit and he was about to come to her door.

Her eyes looked tired and her face looked pale. Her oversized t shirt, and...his boxers seemed to hang off her and her hair was a mess.

But before she could do anything like change or brush her hair or teeth, the doorbell rang.

Time froze, and so did her body. And she would have thought her heart did but it was thudding in her chest. It was like a great scene from some horror flick.

And she was scared.

But she was also, tremendously excited.

Her body jumped when the doorbell rang twice, simultaneously and the she heard him call out "Meredith?"

She wanted to run to the door and swing it open but she couldn't. Her body wouldn't let her go that fast, and finally a minute later she was standing in front of the front door with her hand on the lock.

She turned it and opened.

He was standing there with his arms full. One with a bag that was over flowing with things, and the other arm was extending a key to the door, but she had gotten there before it was needed.

He smiled, and her heart melted, her knees buckled and she held on to the door so she wouldn't fall.

"Hey, thought you were either not here or hiding from me or something." He chuckled nervously and she tried not to drool. He looked, amazing.

He was dressed nicely, a lot nicer than her pajamas. He had on sneakers, jeans and a yellowish shirt, his arms were covered in one of her favorite jackets that he wore, it smelled amazing, it smelled like him. She cried when he took that jacket from their house, she liked to cuddle up to it, and pretend he was with her. She'd put her arms through the holes and be swallowed by it, but not care for it offered an amazing amount of comfort.

And now the jacket was back, and so was he.

His hair was perfect, a little longer, soft looking, a few curls still looked damp. He was clean shaven and his smile had been turned on full blast.

a chill came over her body in her t shirt and boxers. Her arms crossed over her chest when she realized she had no bra on and the cold weather, and him had probably started to show their effect.

"Um, no I was busy sorry."

He smiled a tight smile. He obviously was a little uncomfortable about this whole situation as she was. At least, he came prepared, with his bag full of mysterious goodies. "Oh, cool. Can I come in."

His eyes, dark and blue, that made her think of the ocean tempted her into a smile and she pulled the door all the way back and invited him in. "Yeah, sure."

He breathed a thanks and stepped into the house. He switched the weight of the bag in his arms and stood there for a second, allowing the moment to get awkward and tense.

He was staring at her, and it made her feel things, she couldn't afford to feel at that moment. She cleared her throat and by habit walked towards the couch in the den, saying, "Come sit down make yourself at home."

When she sat down she immediately realized what she had said. It stabbed her in the heart to hear the words register in her brain, and when she glanced at him, she could see she had hurt him as well. He set the bag down on the recliner and whispered to her, "I am home."

Once again she cleared her throat, overtaking the habit he was known for having. "Well, yeah. What brings you over here?"

He stepped closer, then stopped, looking afraid to come too near. His eyes seemed to glaze over with tears as she looked at him, and finally she had to look away and stare at the lights of the tree, so that she herself wouldn't be brought to tears. "D did you get my message"

She nodded. "Y yeah.." The weight of the couch shifted and she inhaled in a gasp.

His scent made goosebumps dance across her skin, and even though there was a cushion of the couch, at least 3 feet separating them, it was the closest they had been to each other in about 3 weeks. She gulped, and promised herself she wasn't gonna mess this up.

Not now, she was gonna make this night perfect.

"I came to see you Mere."

She turned to him, and he seemed to take that as an invitation to scoot closer to her. "You did."

His arm was draped across the back of the couch, his hand inches from her shoulder. He licked his lips and chuckled that nervous chuckle, "Heh, yeah... who else?"

The worst part about it was that he was making her want him. And that was the very very last thing she should have been thinking about at that moment.

Now was her turn for the nervous chuckle. She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know."

And then it happened, his hand dropped, brushed her arm and grabbed her hand. His side pressed against hers and he brought is lips to her ear and whispered as if he might get in trouble if someone caught him talking to her. "Please, just for tonight, lets forget it all. I know, I know, its hard. Lets pretend, pretend we are fine and perfect and nothing has ever gone wrong or will. God look at us, we need it Meredith. We need it."

She turned a little and realized how close she was to him. She was about to make the mistake of leaning in and kiss him. She could see he was thinking the same thing about her, the way his eyes were fixated on her mouth. She turned and pushed herself off the couch, walking to the recliner where the bag was. "What's in the bag?"

Justin stretched on the couch, popping his neck and acting if nothing had just happened. His specialty she thought, then scolded herself for thinking so. "Oh just some stuff. You favorite cookies, and some flowers, and a bottle of wine."

Her hand dug into the bag and she brought out a bag of special, Christmas white fudge covered oreos. "Oh my god..."

HE snatched them away from her and her mouth dropped in protest. she didn't he had stood up and didn't realize how close he was and she was frankly a little pissed he took her cookies. "What?"

"Gimmie."

He giggled at her as she turned into a child, reaching for the bag he was holding out of her way. "hold your horses."

Her eyes widened and she stomped her foot. "GIMMIE!"

She could see him holding in his laughter as he raised his arm about his head, so she narrowed her eyes at him. "No.."

"Justin Randall..."

HE backed away and did a little laugh that taunted her, and if she didn't know better he was going to break out into the whole 'neener neener neener' thing. "What if I never give them to ya?"

"I'll kick ya in the balls."

"I don't doubt that you would. Here you are my lady. Sit down, relax eat your oreos, I'm gonna go pour us some wine, ok?" He handed her her cookies and she snatched them quickly and ran to the couch, ripping open the package and the box and smelling her favorite cookies.

"Mmmkay..."

She didn't notice Justin laugh at her, and she didn't notice him pick up the bag and start to walk to the kitchen, but on her second cookie she did notice his hand, smoothing over her head and then felt his lips and heard a kiss be placed on her hair.

She gulped down the rest of the cookie and turned a little to watch his back as he strolled coolly into the kitchen.

And it dawned on her as she watched him set the bag on the kitchen table, take his jacket off and throw it over the back of a chair, and reach in one of the cabinets for wine glasses that Justin, her husband...was home.

----

Pouring wine into the glasses he had found in their normal place usually had never been a big deal to him, but now it was a huge deal. He had put the flowers he had got for her that she seemed to ignore when she heard about the oreos, in a vase. He hoped she would stay open to him, and wouldn't shut him out or say something that would cause them to argue. He hoped he wouldn't do that either.

He juggled the glasses in one hand and the vase in the other with the bottle of wine corked and fitted securely under his arm before walking back into the den.

HE smiled at the way she was devouring those cookies. "Don't make yourself sick."

She jumped a little and giggled, stuffing another oreo in her mouth.

"Here's your wine, and these flowers are for you also."

Meredith had her mouth full but she tried to talk anyway. "mmmmaa"

He laughed and sat down right beside her, sipping his wine, trying to be cool and calm about being so close to her. "Yes, you."

"tank coo."

He laughed some more, and thought he saw her blush. "well, you're welcome. May I?" His hand went for the container of cookies and she allowed him to have one. They were good, but the fact that she was sharing them with him and being civilized was what he cared about. It was all he cared about.

He stuffed the entire white oreo in his mouth and smiled at her, mimicking her. "tank coo."

She giggled, like a little girl. It had been a while since he had seen her this giddy and childish. He didn't know if it was the holidays or him, but he hoped it was him. She sipped her wine and he tried to block out the thoughts of how gorgeous her skin looked in the dim lighting. "hehehe, you're welcome."

He finished his cookie and washed out his mouth with the wine hoping he didn't have chocolate in his teeth. He sighed, the awkwardness had come back after their little gorge of oreos and wine, and he searched his mind of something good to start conversation. "So what you been up to?" He wanted to kick himself for asking something so, clich�, but he honestly wanted to know.

She sighed and turned to look at him. He got lost in her eyes and forgot for a moment where he was, what was going on or anything. She was beautiful, she was smiling, and yet it wasn't stated, and neither of them had shown it recently, he saw deep in those eyes, that she was still his. "Just sitting, listening to music."

"I don't hear any."

"Oh.." She leaned forward and picked the remote for the stereo off the coffee table. "I turned it down."

A deep chuckle came from his throat and he looked at her knowingly. "Ahh, the 96.3 Christmas non-stop special, eh?"

"You know it."

She always, always requested they listened to this on Christmas eve, sitting on the couch together, or...laying in bed together. Some his best memories came from those times when they would just be together, listening to music, not having to say anything to get what they felt across to the other.

Notes of a song came through after he had just poured her some more wine. HE wasn't trying to get her drunk, but he thought the alcohol might make them less uptight around each other. He knew this song off bat, and the way she seemed to melt into the couch made him want to melt...right into her. "Isn't this your favorite?"

Her neck turned, so that her face was towards him, her head laying lazily against the back of the couch. "Yeah, I can remember, Christmas 1999, I was listening to this song when momma gave me the package to wrap that was my letter that Johnny had sent me about the job."

"really?"

She nodded and smiled. "Yeah...seems like forever ago."

Silence fell between them, but the awkwardness was gone, and he was grateful for that. She seemed comfortable with him only inches away, but he wasn't. He wanted her closer, he wanted her in his arms, and he wanted to test this situation just to see, if she would push him away.

So like a nervous boy on his first movie date, he moved his arm from beside him, to around the back of the couch, around her back, and then moved his hand and forearm to where he was pushing her body against his, holding her. She jumped, and tensed in his arms and he panicked hoping that he hadn't acted too soon. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head and he started to let her go. "No, no..y you just startled me."

"You want me to.."

Her hand touched his and his heart rate seemed to double. She tugged on his hand to bring it back to where it was touching her arm. "No this is fine. T- this is fine." Her head fitted into his arm and shoulder like it usually did, in that usual place and her body curled up, her knees bending and tilting towards him. His other hand rested on her bare legs pulling her into him, making her cuddle more towards him and causing them to be as close as they could.

He breathed the smell of her hair and tried to control himself, physically and emotionally about how close she was, how good she smelt, felt and probably tasted. "you smell good."

She lifted her head from his chest and mumbled. "So do youuu..."

"You look cute too."

She laughed, and he swore it was music. "Oh god, I look horrible. Especially compared to you."

He shook his head at her, mesmerized. "You look just like I pictured you. I was wondering where those boxers were."

"S- sorry.."

His voice had somehow dropped to a whisper, and he didn't know how or why, but he wasn't fighting it, and neither was she. "don't be."

She duck her head back in his chest, embarrassed almost like a little child. He decided for her embarrassment to be saved he would change the subject. "We did an amazing job..."

"Huh?" She mumbled,

"With the tree."

She turned her head to glance at the tree and then turned back, her hand on his chest, face looking up at him like he was the most amazing thing in the world. "Oh yeah, I love it."

The next three words fell easily and unexpectedly out of his mouth. "I love you."

His eyes widened when he realized what he had blurted out, but before he could counteract his words and take it back so not to scare her, she smiled, and her hand moved up around to his neck.

And then, she said it back to him. "I...I love you too."

And he realized, he was definitely home.

----

later on

He was looking at her like he was going to kiss her. She wanted him to, God, she wanted him to. But not for the wrong reasons. There was a more than half an empty wine bottle and 2 empty glasses sitting in front of them. He had started to get more "feely" with her once his 3 glass had been poured and she wondered if she had acted the same way with him because of the alcohol.

He licked his lips and stared deep into her eyes making her feel naked there before him.

He whispered, moving some of her hair off her shoulder, which he had taken down from her bun a little earlier. "Meredith..."

"Yes?"

He licked his lips again and dipped his head just a tad. "May I kiss you."

She didn't say anything, and doubted that she could. Instead she pulled herself tighter against his body and nodded just slightly.

Her eyes closed and soon she felt his breath warm and moist against her lips. And then a single touch...that made her whimper. She fell into him, and his arms pulled her on top of him almost and he pressed his lips more firmly against hers before opening his mouth more and invading her mouth with his tongue. She kissed him back, trying to muster up all the passion in her body and sending it his way by using her mouth.

Time flew and the next thing she knew she was laying on top of him, straddling his waist, kissing him lightly. Kissing then pulling away, then kissing again.

She pulled away and he groaned with a light laugh. "Oh, the things you do to me."

"What do you mean?"

He pushed some of her hair out of the way an then slid his hands down a little on her back so they were testing their boundaries. She wanted to giggled at him, but decided not to. "You just, you have more effect on me than anything else in this world."

"Are you eating?"

"Huh?"

Her hands moved over the fabric covering his chest and shoulders and she pouted a little. "You feel and look small."

"Yes I'm eating. Don't even ask me that Meredith. L..look at you." His eyes grew serious, and she didn't want to make this moment sour.

so, She rested her head down on his chest and mumbled, "stop..."

It was quiet for a while. Paverati's "ave maria" was playing, making them drift away...from all there fears and problems. She felt the urge to just cry to him, but she didn't want to ruin the mood. She wanted to curl up in him and have him keep her within him so she wouldn't have to worry about anything, but that would have been selfish of her. Her thoughts took her away and she was started to doze off when he cleared his throat and quietly said, "Oh, yeah. Sorry you're present isn't here tonight, It'll be here in the morning though. Santa's gotta bring it."

She giggled at his reference to Santa Clause. "You dork."

"Well he does."

She stopped when it registered in her brain what he was saying. Her body pushed off him a little and she looked down at him, fear in her eyes. "Wait...y you got me something?"

"Yeah, of course." He smiled. She broke down.

"Mere...what is it." She knew he was gonna ask that when she pulled herself off him and started to pace the den a little.

Her mouth started moving and she was talking, but she didn't know what she was saying or if she was making any sense. "I..i didn't even think about it. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'll get you something I promise. "

"Angel...you don't have to get me anything."

"I'm horrible." Her hands covered her face and she started to cry. IT was too much to be here with him, and then to know he got her something but she was too busy feeling sorry for herself to think about getting him something. "

Shhh, baby. It's ok. This is the best gift right here. You just letting me spend time with you. That's all I could ask for." His arms wrapped around her and she guessed he had stood up from the couch to come comfort her. She felt safe there, but guilty as hell.

She felt bad and racked her brain for anything she could give him.

And soon, it came to her. Standing that close to him, being pressed up against him, she could feel the slight effects of their kissing and it came to her, what she could give him.

She pulled away a little and took his hand, pulling him away from the den. "Come with me."

"Where we going?"

"To the bedroom."

He stopped when she reached the stairs and with their hands connected that caused her to stop also. "w..why."

She was eye level with him, standing on that bottom step. She wanted him, no, needed him. IT was something she could give both of them and give their marriage if he would let them. "Let...let me give you something Justin."

He sighed when her hand smoothed over the hair on his head and she brought her lips to kiss the side of his neck. "Mere..."

She wrapped her arms around him, and he gave in and hugged her back. Her lips found his ear and she whispered against it, praying that he wouldn't reject her. "Please, let me give you myself."

She felt him shiver underneath her and thought she heard him whimper when she said, "Let..lets make love, Justin." Back Forward