November 5th

She watched him, very very closely.

She sat right there on the back porch swing, sitting with her back against the arm rest and her looking over the back of the swing towards the small little basketball court Justin had had paved in. It wasn't even a full sized half court, but it suited him fine for playing and shooting.

He was in track pants and a hooded sweatshirt, the hood covering his head.

She was sitting there in just comfy sweats and a t shirt with a blanket wrapped around her.

He didn't talk to her, and she didn't dare speak to him.

It had been this way for days. They existed together, but no longer lived together.

She had no idea what was going on in that Timberlake mind of his, and that terrified her.

She semi knew how hurt he was, and confused, and lost in all this for all that time, but then, on Halloween, he just threw her for a loop, and now she didn't know anything about the man she married anymore.

He was sweaty, and he looked tired, but she didn't want to tell him to go inside, take a shower, rest.

IF she did say something, he would just ignore her, or even worse..snap at her.

He could have a temper, and she had seen it fired up before, but never..NEVER at herself.

Until now.

He dribbled with more force, made shots with jerky movements, said the words "Fuck" and "shit" whenever he would miss, and would stay in that same spot until he made the perfect shot.

The sun wasn't even out. IT was about 7:30 at night and the only light that was helping him see was the small flood flight in the corner where the back of the garage and the top of the porch met.

And she couldn't stop watching him. She wanted to run out there and hold him against her, kiss him over and over and whisper how much she loved him.

But she just sat there, sighed, yawned a few times and kept watching.

He was missing a lot of his shots, and that was abnormal for him.

Another half hour passed...slowly.

She looked at her watch and sighed once more, realizing she was going to have to say something.

"Justin it's getting late."

He stopped from his poised positioned, arms in the air, slightly bent with a basketball in his hands, knees bent, to staring at her...blankly. "Do I look like I'm done?"

She shook her head and timidly said, "I'm going inside." Then turned and left.

Once in the house she turned to look at him once more.

He was staring at her.

She turned, started folding her blanket and then walked on in the house, and finally up the steps, wiping her eyes and begging the tears not to fall.

--------

"Now baby, stop huffing and puffing, I'm just curious as to what your plans are?"

She groaned, rolled over in bed, sunk down so her head was on the pillow and clutched the sheets that were around her. She wanted to throw the phone against the wall. "Mom, I don't know ok? I haven't talked to him."

"Well go ask I'll just wait right here."

She closed her brown eyes and gritted out. "He's busy."

"At 9:30 at night? Doin what?"

The book that was lying open face down beside her was picked up, dog eared and placed on her nightstand. Her mom wouldn't let her have the chance to read anymore. She knew she would be exhausted once this conversation was over. "Just let it go, ok?"

"Meredith I have to know your holiday plans. Me and Lynn have to figure out this stuff. Oh you know what!? You guys should have all of US down there!"

Her anger was increased when she saw Justin stroll into the bedroom and then to the bathroom, shutting the door, not even acknowledging she was there. She looked at the clock, it was almost 10. Her brown eyes widened. "WHAT!?"

"Come on, it'll be fun like that one time 2 years ago when we had a Willis/Timberlake thing."

She was tempted to hang up right then. She remembered that time very closely. It was the first time both families had been around each other.

It was a little chaotic. She was always running around making sure everything was prepared and ready and working, she felt like her mom did at Christmas time back in the day. But this time she was cooking and cleaning and being the mom for at least 3 times the amount her mom had to.

And Justin had been her support. He had been the one to tell her to take a break, been the one to give her a shoulder rub, kiss her when she needed a moment of not thinking about anything.

He had been there.

~~~~

"OH MY GOD!" She opened her eyes and ran from the kitchen table where she had dozed off to the oven. Smoke filled the air when she opened the oven. She coughed, rushed to open a window, pulled the burnt turkey from the oven and sighed.

Tears stung in the corners of her eyes, and finally she just let them go. She couldn't take this anymore.

She had never cooked for 12 people in her life before. Never had to make sure those 12 people had a place to sleep and were comfortable and had everything needed. Her house was a mad house with kids from 8 years old, to 80 years old all over her house.

She leaned her arms on the counter and rested her head down on her arms, letting her tears flow.

And then arms touched her back, hands wrapped around her and pulled her up. Lips kissed her forehead and then her nose. "Angel, it's just a turkey."

She shook her head and looked deep into his eyes. "Its'...It's not just the damn turkey. If I cant do this now, I..what happens later on in life Justin. I cant even prepare a nice meal correctly. I've been a bitch to everyone, I just..I cant do this."

She sobbed and slid down his body and landed on the floor hugging her knees to her chest.

Justin sighed and made his way down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her, and kissed the top of her head. "I think you are doing a fabulous job. I mean I sure couldn't do this. Even momma commented on how well you are doing. It's a mad house Mere. We aren't use to this. Just calm down, take some deep breaths, actually enjoy this. If you would just not be as stressed out I'm sure you would be having a great time."

She leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed. "I just...I don't know how to get unstressed."

He shook her a bit in his arms and got her to look up at him. "How about this? I go out and get McDonald's for everyone. You know my family likes Mickey Dees, I know your dad loves it as well. Jon and Stevie wanna go see that new space action movie. I think Paul and your dad were going to take them. We can get our moms to get grams and gramps outta the rocking chairs, and everyone else can go see that movie, and..me and you can..." His smile was priceless. He was rubbing his nose with hers and for the first time in a while, she grinned.

"Can what?"

He kissed her lips briefly. "Have funnnn..."

She giggled and looked longingly into his face. "What kinda fun?"

"OUR kinda fun." His rectangular eyebrows wiggled.

"You mean, in the bed, under the covers, all nekked type of fun."

His mouth descended upon hers. "mmmmhmmm."

After a minute of kissing on the kitchen floor, hands started to roam, and knowing that family was just in the other room, Meredith pulled away and whispered, "Get that cute tush of yours to McDonalds...fast!"

~~~~~

By now she definitely had a headache. "Mom we are not having Christmas or Thanksgiving down here. Ok? I'm sorry but, well now is not a very good time."

"But now is the perfect time! It'll get your mind off all that bad stuff."

"Maybe we wont even celebrate the holiday with you guys, maybe we want to be alone ever thought of that?"

"Don't take that tone with me..." Her mothers voice seemed to fade away in her head when she saw Justin walk out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist.

She gulped at his appearance. It would feel so nice just to have him get rid of that towel and fall into bed with her. They wouldn't even have to do anything, but just to have him laying with her, near her, would make her feel so much better.

But she knew he wouldn't do that. He would get in bed, put his back to her, turn out his light and make groans if she didn't immediately go to bed either.

Sometimes she would just stay up and make noise just to piss him off. That way she would at least get some type of response from him.

"Are you listening to me!?"

She nodded and then realized her mother couldn't see anything. "Yes ma'am" But once again she ignored her mom as Justin casually dropped the towel to the floor and was left there standing naked.

She hadn't seen him in that way in so long.

She sighed and stared.

But then he caught her staring. Her eyes met his and she turned away, blushed, and resisted the urge to cry. There was no emotion in his stare, and she knew that her embarrassment was not a good thing.

It had been so long since she had been embarrassed by him catching her looking at him. Sure she would giggle and bite her lip before, but she would never feel bad about it.

She felt like she had intruded on his personal space by staring at him, and she had never felt that way before.

She could tell by the movement out of the corner of her eye that he had pulled on boxers and then hung the towel over the door knob of the bathroom door.

Moments later he was plopped up in bed, reading a Motor Trend magazine. She caught glimpses of him out of the corner of her eye as she talked to her mom. She wanted to just roll over and lean her head on his chest and just, feel him. But she couldn't.

She could smell him, that fresh Justin scent she loved.

She took in a shaky breath, realizing she couldn't love the man she loved anymore.

"Well have you decided yet?!"

"Decided what?" She mumbled.

"About the holidays?"

"Oh. No. I'll ask Justin."

Justin turned his head towards her at the sound of his name, but kept his eyes at magazine. "What?"

She stared at him long and hard, noticing all his facial features since he wasn't looking directly at her. She had the phone pressed into her chest so she could talk to Justin privately without her mother hearing. "Mom wants to know what we wanna do about Thanksgiving and Christmas this year."

He shrugged. "Oh, whatever."

"She wants us to have another big bash thing."

His cold eyes darted to her. "No."

"Yes."

He slapped the magazine shut, she could see where he had locked his jaw. "We are not having both of our families down here."

She nodded furiously, not wanting him to be mad at her. Some wisps of her hair danced across her face and neck she her head shook. "That's what I mean. Yes, I agree with you."

He nervously thumbed through his magazine, keeping his eyes away from her almost in shame. "Oh."

She talked to her mom a little more and then turned back to Justin. "She wants to know when we are going to visit them."

He shrugged and mumbled. "I don't care."

"Well, neither do I."

The magazine slapped down against the comforter and he growled. "Don't make me pick. I don't care."

Meredith took in a calming breath and said in her defense. "Well she's nagging me about it."

She watched as his hands clutched against the sheets in anger. That scared her. She could see how much anger was building up in him, and she knew it was only a matter of time until he lashed out...maybe at her. "Jesus! Just tell her we will go to my parents for thanksgiving and yours for Christmas since it was the other way last year!"

She cowered away from him and turned back to her side, her back facing him. "Oh. Ok."

She relayed the message to her mother and talked with her a few more moments.

"Well I think I'm going to go to bed now."

She closed her eyes and was happy to hear those words coming from her mom's mouth. -Thank God.-

"Ok, night mom."

"Night baby. Hey, hang in there ok?"

She sighed and whispered into the phone. "I'm trying."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

With that, Meredith put the phone on the charger on her nightstand and turned the lamp off that was on the stand. She mumbled a "Night" to Justin and he just responded with a "Yeah."

But then a few minutes later, she heard his voice.

It was a whisper, and she was almost startled by it because she hadn't heard him actually say her name in so long and especially not in such a gentle manner. "Meredith..."

"Huh?"

"I'm-" She turned a little and looked over her shoulder at him. He was rubbing his forehead and squinting his eyes shut. "I'm sorry I snapped today."

Her breath caught in her throat and she was barely able to say, "It's ok."

He didn't say anything else so she turned back around and closed her eyes.

But as soon as her body relaxed it tensed up again. "So, you're going to sleep?"

She tried not to chuckle, but it was very unlike him to be so absentminded. Of course she was going to sleep. "Um, yeah."

He spoke slowly and calmly. "Oh right. I guess I will too." She heard him shuffle around a bit, and finally her closed eyes noted the change to complete darkness.

He moved a lot at first, flipping in every possible way and continue fluffing his pillow. Meredith wondered if he was doing it on purpose just to piss her off. Finally, he set still and she was able to relax.

Seconds, and then minutes passed and she was able to at least rest a bit. Her mind wondered from her mom to Justin to her job to Kelly who was expecting her baby soon, to her own baby situation. It was hard to fall asleep but she was at least able to let her body rest.

But it didn't rest for long.

She heard him move and she was almost afraid he was going to leave and go sleep on the couch downstairs, like he had started to do occasionally. Her eyes popped open and she stared at her greenish digital clock numbers that said 11:03. She watched it change to 11:04 and still hadn't heard anymore movement from him.

But then she felt something. It felt warm, and tickled her neck. And then something very very soft pressed into the back of her neck and then pulled away. She felt strong, big, but cold and shaky hands wrap around her stomach and pull her against him.

A strong chest pressed into her back. She felt breathing tickling her dark hair and an occasional kiss was planted on top of her head. A hand searched for hers, and his fingers locked in-between hers.

She tried to control her breathing, and tried not to cry, but here he was, holding her like she so desperately needed to be held.

One of his legs pushed at her bent knees and pried hers apart and then found a resting place in-between hers. She could feel his lap pressed against her. He only had on boxers and she only had a big t shirt and her undies on.

He smelled so good, and felt like heaven.

Her mind was full of questions and she so desperately wanted to ask him why. Why now? But she knew, he probably didn't have an answer.

It probably just felt...natural to him.

It felt natural to her.

She didn't want to fall asleep, she wanted to revel in this moment as long as she could, but soon her body got too relaxed, and sleep overcame her.

And it was the best sleep she had gotten, in a long...long time. Back Forward