An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on
a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.
Until the boat sank.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies...nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you ge there?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash upwith you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I
found on the island: the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wovethe
bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptustree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly
falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconutjuice.
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories,
the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is
a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism."This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines
--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a
really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure
you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for all these months? You know..." she stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean.......", he swallows
excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here...?"
Judgment Day:
A doctor, a nurse, and a top executive of a HMO have died and are in line at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.
St. Peter: That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you?
Nurse: I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc...
St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?
HMO Executive: I was the president of a very large Health
Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.
St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!
Disgusting Liquor:
A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and
placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a
drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
Truck repair:
The groom's anticipation of his conjugal duties turned to
disappointment and then embarrassment when he discovered that, even after a month, he was so excited that he could not last long enough to satisfy his bride.
Determined to satisfy her, the man visited the doctor to get some
advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love
to my wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a
professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having
intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let
him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed
over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he
decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
He found a good spot, pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to bring his therapy
session to a successful conclusion, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg?
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was
enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what
you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied
confidently. "Well, you'd better check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
