Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Too much agreement kills a chat.
Eldridge Cleaver
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Jack Benny
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
Bill Hicks
