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| In Memory Kenneth. Died June 1977 28 Years Ago |
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| Kenneth was a young man with such a caring heart, a quiet voice and a calm demeanor. Looking back, I know that he struggled with many issues, but no one ever knew about this but me. I grew up in an old fashioned family where we just didn't discuss our problems, and his family was like that too. It was easier at the time to pretend that nothing was wrong. It wouldn't be unusual to mistake normal teenage struggles with depression. I know that Kenneth had bouts of depression, that he or I didn't know how to cope with. He talked to me, but at such a young age myself, I simply didn't know what to do. I was going through similar problems, and looked toward him for support. However, nothing was ever resolved with either of us before he lost his life in such a horrible manner. Honestly I lost my best friend in the whole world. The grieving process has been long and hard. I question from time to time If I have ever let go. As many River drownings the body is not found immediatly. His case was no exception. I believe it was a week or so. Against adult advice, I spent many hours at the River hoping to find him. I would ride my horse to the river and gaze at the water thinking how it appears so calm, but underneath it all it's nothing but an evil plan designed to lure people in and kill them. For years I could find no solice in the River that I once loved so well. The week succeeding his death was very difficult. I fabricated a story in my mind that he was still alive. Once his body was found, I had to face reality and I barely coped. In fact, no one was there for me, or to help me cope. It seemed as if no one understood. They thought I should just get over it. I created little rituals in my mind that would keep me close to the friend that I no longer had to cofide in. The flowers, the stars, the River it's self. I read the letters that Kenneth had written me over and over again. I looked at pictures, I listened to the casette tape I had of his voice. I went to the cemetary and sat on his grave and prayed. I had no one by my side, I was so alone. I was angry that the world was going on without me, I was angry at the good things--the happy things. One day by mistake in my presence someone had cofused Kenneth's surviving twin brother with him. I was appalled. Especially after noting the look on the twin brother's face. It was then I offered the brother a shoulder to cry on, and we found we had something in common. We were grieving in a time and a place where it wasn't allowed. Our relationship developed into more than friendship. A common bond had tied us together. A couple of years later, I was betrayed by him to a degree that had left me so hurt and confused. There was no explination. My heart had two empty places and the one person that had tied me so closely to Kenneth was now gone too. I frequently had dreams and would see Kenneth's face close, or see him in the distance--but I could never touch him. It wasn't until I was in my 30's I believed I was hanging on so strongly, his soul wasn't allowed to pass on to heaven or to a better place. I prayed about this until I got an answer that he was now at peace, safe and sound. The dreams stopped. Now, once a year on the anniversary of his death I bring my rituals forward for a day and then move on with my life. The song Bridge Over Troubled Waters has great meaning for me because of Kenneth. We were friends, who could confide in each other, and Kenneth lost his life in troubled waters. Through prayer, God allowed me to be that bridge once again and give Kenneth the peace that he so deserved. Sometimes memories still come flooding back, and there is no reason I should forget everything about his life. I have to allow him to live on some how, and that is why I have created this page. |