| As I drove the overcast sky seemed to reflect my current mood and ponderings. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I should call her. All these experiences were so new to me, I felt inclined to just retreat into my social shell that I'd hid myself in for so many years, the shell that seemed to echo with words in the minds of so many people. No one could ever love me. As I waited for the light to turn green, watching a large diesel truck go by, I was trying to convince myself to call her, to hopefully clear things up. She's probably already on the phone with Juliana. I was just looking for an excuse not to call. In my mind I imagined it would be embarrassing to call her back so soon after being with her. She would like to hear back from me so soon wouldn't she? In my mind I knew it wouldn't be good to let my imagination interpret how she felt. I knew I needed to call her, but couldn't make myself. So much education and it doesn't help me one bit in "real life." If only my interpersonal communications class at the community college back home would've done something for me. Communication. Maybe it did. I took out my cell phone and held the "5" down. Speed dial is great, who knows if I could've pressed the "Call" button if I'd had to dial all seven digits, that's how I am sometimes, frightened of communication. The first time I called her, that's almost 2 months ago now, it took me almost half an hour to press that same button. She hadn't been on speed dial. "Hello?" Her voice seemed to have a question in it, something like "Why in the world are you calling me when I was with you two minutes ago?" Perhaps that's just the inflection my mind put into the words. Two minutes. My mind had been through about two hours in those two minutes. She sounds so cute. "Hey." My voice was shaky. "You would tell me if I did something you didn't like wouldn't you?" Geez, were my vocal chords having their own personal little earthquake. "Yeah. Why?" She has no idea what I'm talking about. "Well, when I went to kiss you on the lips it's like you didn't want me to." I feel like a little school boy or something. "I�what�mean." Great the cell phone is going out. I was driving by the fairgrounds. In the darkness the ghosts of little children seemed to laugh at my current predicament. I was hesitant to speak. In the back of my mind I was thinking how the cell phone going dead would be a good excuse to end the call. "What did you say?" I sound so pathetic. "I know what you mean. It's just that I didn't want my parents to see, you know?" Of course, her parents. I felt so stupid, that little fact hadn't even crossed my mind. So it hadn't had anything to do with me after all. I was feeling a little better. "Ooh, I see." Yes grand words I know. People say I need to talk more, I've been improving, but this wasn't one of my moments. Her response was quiet, her volume reflecting the length of my last response. "I was just thinking about that too. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that." Now I'm making her feel bad. "That's okay." There was silence on both ends. It was one of those moments when you wish the other person would say something, but you know that you should be the one to say something next. "That's okay," I repeated, "I hadn't even thought of that." Another moment of silence. "So�" she trailed off. "It's alright, I understand." I'd heard those were the two best words you could say to a woman, "I understand," and I actually meant them. "You do?" She seemed a little surprised. "Yeah, I do." Everything was better. We said our good nights, and I was already thinking of when I would see her again the next day. I'm so lucky. |