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Issue Nine - 03/06/05 |
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Dear Jesus,
What is the correct protocol in regards to seat saving when you see a smelly old person shuffling towards you on the bus? I've tried things like twisting my face into a sour, off-putting expression and putting my bag on the free seat but these tactics don't seem to be effective anymore. I just don't know what to do, I'm at the end of my tether. Would a swift box in the face look bad in the eyes of Our Lord come judgement day? How about a little shove in the back? Yours, Desperate on Buses Dear Desperate, Yes of course it's perfectly fine to box an aged person in the face…. if you work in a private run nursing home that is!! Well maybe you do but let me tell you that sort of carry on is not looked on favourably in these quarters. I may be hungover but I'm still Jesus. I mean come on! You people make me sick. Yours, Christ Dear Jesus, I've been in love with this girl for years. There's just one problem. She's my cousin. I was wondering if this constitutes a sin… [The rest of this rambling missive is too long, sentimental and fucked-up to print, but you get the gist - Ed.) Yours, Michael John Patrick O'Bannion Dear Michael, It is a common misinterpretation of scripture that inter-cousin relationships are sinful. However, your potential children will have an odd number of limbs and single digit IQs, so in this case science is to be feared more than religion. But in any case, after your little "experiment" on your unconscious sister when you were seventeen, your soul is damned. Therefore, don't be afraid to let the boat out. Yours, Christ |
 "I'm never drinking again."
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