Bar Room Brawl: Vulcan Raven vs. Nakedman

 

Dale: Fans! I cannot believe what just happened- Nakedman with a bold move… a Powerbomb atop a two-foot wide, six-foot tall shelf.

 

Chip: That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever seen… Look… look… it is starting to give!

 

The shelf cracks at the bottom, and suddenly falls in on itself on one side. The shelf tips over and falls to the ground, throwing both slammers down 6 feet and banging them to the floor. Everything on the shelf in that entire row falls to the floor, breaking cans open and leaving quite a mess. Nakedman and Vulcan Raven are buried in the wreckage of the entire isle.

 

Dale: It was gutsy, and it may not have paid off either. Vulcan Raven felt the Powerbomb, but as Nakedman was standing up as the shelf collapsed I’d say he took most of the fall.

 

Chip: Man, look at this place. Those two guys are buried- there is debris everywhere. How is this ludicrous thing going to go on?

 

Dale: I don’t know. They will have to find a way to get up and continue this thing. It is quite likely that the first man up will be the winner.

 

Chip: No… listen to me… this is ludicrous I tell you… I have never seen such a ludicrous thing in my life. Remember when the Big Show threw a car on top of Hardcore Holly last year? That was more sensible. Remember when he pulled down the Titantron with his own strength… that was more sensible.

 

Dale: Okay, okay. Calm down. It’s ludicrous. I’ll admit that.

 

Chip: Its not just ludicrous… its unfathomably ludicrous!

 

Dale: Two men… locked up in a convenience store. Giant splinters of wood from the broken shelf and all sorts of objects can be used as weapons lay everywhere. This is a trap… a bitter fight to the death; like a cage match with an uncountable number of foreign objects. Who will get up… who will survive?

 

Suddenly, Vulcan Raven pulls his head up.

 

Chip: Go Vulcan Raven! Yeah!

 

Vulc shakes his head, and blood runs down to his lip. He tastes it for a second. Mmm, salty. He picks himself up from the tatters and shatters of the mess. He begins to go down for a pin. The ref runs over.

 

1… 2…

 

Vulcan Raven suddenly takes himself off. He then begins to kick Nakedman in the gut.

 

Dale: What? What was that? Vulcan Raven could have just gotten the win but he let himself off. Why did he do that?

 

Chip: DAMN. Well, it’s a condition called cocky-heel syndrome. Its where the slammer, instead of taking an easy win, always goes to humiliate his opponent more and more in a twisted, cruel attack. Kind of cool.

 

Dale: That is horrible, that is demented!

 

Chip: Unfortunately it means the match is already over though. Whenever that happens the guy being attacked always makes a miracle recovery and comes back to win. Damn, damn, damn.

 

Dale: Oh, I could have told you that Nakedman was going to win a lot earlier. This is Nakedman’s rewrite. Why in the heck would anyone let someone else win in their rewrite?

 

Chip: Good point. Now get back to announcing.

 

Dale: Vulcan Raven picks Nakedman up, he tosses him onto the floor. He grabs a can of… I guess creamed corn… and slams it down to Nakedman’s head. He drops for a cover again… 1… 2… a two-count and he lets go again! He could have won! He could have won! That moron wants to humiliate Nakedman before he advances to the finals. He truly must be one of the most evil men alive.

 

Chip: No, the most evil man alive would have to be whatever genius put the bloody Bubba Ray picture up as his pic at the beginning of the month. It made me woozy just to look at it.

 

Dale: Now it seems that Vulcan Raven is grabbing onto Nakedman’s hair. He’s pulling him across the store. He is dragging his body over to behind us.

 

Chip: My God… can you believe it. Look at that bloody trail that the dragging of Nakedman is leaving. Nakedman must have really been torn open.

 

Dale: Umm. I don’t think that’s blood Chip. I think that’s just the smashed remains of those Ketchup bottles.

 

Chip: Oh, well then, I uhh… (changing the subject) HEY… no one has used this part of the store yet. They are on the other side of the counter now, it’s a good thing we have these rotating chairs, huh?

 

The two announcers turn around, and look over at the area with the soda, coffee and Slushie Machines. (7-11 isn’t paying me, so I refuse to say Slurpee)

 

Dale: Vulcan Raven picks up Nakedman and brings his face up to the Slushie machine. What is he going to do?

 

Vulc grabs tight onto Nakedman’s head… not that one… he slams it into the Slushie Machine.

WHAM!!!

Nakedman: OW!

BAM!!!

Nakedman: OOCH!

WHAM!!!

Nakedman: AHHH!

BAM!!!

Nakedman: JESUS! Sweet Jesus! Make it stop! I’ll give you anything! ANYTHING!

Vulc – Really? Anything?

 

Nakedman: Yes, yes… just don’t bust my head into that machine any more.

 

Vulc – Okay, how about you give me all of your clothes.

 

Nakedman: But… but… I don’t have any clothes, I’m Naked.

 

Vulc – Well then…

 

WHAM!!!

 

Nakedman: AGHH!

 

SLAM!!!

 

Nakedman: OWWWW!

 

BAM!!!

 

Nakedman:  %$#@!

 

Nakedman reaches with his arm over to the coffee as Vulc continues to bash his head in. Nakedman gets a hold of the Coffee pot, nice and warm. You don’t have to be Sherlock to figure out what I’m going to type in the next few lines, do you?

 

Dale: It looks like Nakedman got a hold of that piping coffee- Vulcan Raven doesn’t see it. He is too occupied with making Nakedman suffer.

 

Chip: Look out Vulc! Look out!

 

Vulcan Raven turns his head just in time to see Nakedman toss the coffee… unfortunately this means that its just in time to go right into his face.

 

Splosh…. ~~SSSSSSSSssss~~

 

Vulc – AGHHHH!! My eyes! My eyes! You Naked freak!

 

Dale: Nakedman with a magnificent counter, Vulcan Raven is getting just what he deserves right now.

 

Chip: No he isn’t- what he deserves is a victory! A victory I tell you. This won’t cost him anything. It will just make him madder. Nakedman will pay for that.

 

Dale: Nakedman was only trying to free himself from that vicious, uncalled-for assault. Now Nakedman is about to put some moves on Vulcan Raven… he kicks up with a scissors kick to the face. It knocks Vulc down; Nakedman is about to look for something that he can use as a weapon. He is eyeing the soda machine.

 

Nakedman goes over and pushes down on the big lever in the center. He fills a cup up with ice cubes.

 

Nakedman: Your face still hot Vulcan Raven? How about I cool it down!

 

Nakedman throws the ice at Vulc’s head.

 

Chip: Oh!! That was not a good line. That is so clichéd and sophomoric. In fact, I have lost all respect for Nakedman now that he said that line… it was plain and simply stupid… like the things that the nobodies in the indies say.

 

Dale: Okay, we get the point, you thought it was stupid. Get over it. Nakedman takes off and heads for the pastries. He grabs a jelly donut. What is he thinking? How will he use this to his advantage?

 

With the pastry counter being the same counter that the announcers are at, Nakedman hears what they say and looks over at them.

 

Nakedman: Umm… no guys. I’m not using this as a weapon. I was just a little hungry man; I wanted a donut to eat. Want one?

 

Chip: Ah yes, I’ll have one. It better be glazed!

 

Nakedman reaches over to get a donut for Chip when Vulcan Raven spears him onto the counter. His back crashes into the pretzel rack.

 

Dale: Did you distract Nakedman on purpose?

 

Chip: No way, I just wanted a donut. Have some faith in me Jim.

 

Dale: Now Vulc is pounding on the unclothed slammer from the CWO. He seeks revenge for that boiling coffee… Vulc is grabbing pastries and sticking them into Nakedman’s mouth. That’s a blatant choke!

 

Chip: Yeah, but its not a choke hold… he’s just stuffing food down his throat, nothing wrong with that.

 

Dale: There is if he is trying to kill him.

 

Chip: Oh, okay. I see you have a point. The Bar Room Brawl does not sanction homicide.

 

Dale: Homicide the slammer?

 

Chip: No, no, no.

 

Dale: Nakedman is spitting the pastries into Vulc’s face. I don’t know how much more of this we can stand. This has been one of the most vicious matches ever. Nakedman with a knee to the mid-section. He is powering out of Vulcan Raven’s control… he’s free now.  Nakedman is picking up anything he can and throwing it at Vulcan; he’s got some gum and candy… he’s tossing it to the eyes.

 

Chip: Umm… tossing candy at him? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that attack by Nakedman is not going to be too effective.

 

Dale: Nakedman is running over to the other side of the store again. Vulc is giving chase. They are just a few isles away from all the mayhem earlier. It looks like they are in the isle with the medicines.

 

Chip: Yeah, and Vulc is really going to get him now.

 

Dale: Vulcan Raven runs into Nakedman, a kick to the midsection. Nakedman takes a step back. Naked sidesteps Vulc and grabs some cough syrup from the shelf… he swings and misses at Vulcan Raven. Vulc dashes up and catches Nakedman’s shoulder… he swings him into the shelf. Oh, and Nakedman must have hurt his back there. Vulc throws a punch. Nakedman ducks. Fist meets with the isle as Nakedman squeaks out with another side step. Vulc turns around as Nakedman backs up. He’s going to try a spinning heel kick… No… he misses, Vulcan Raven takes a step forward and grabs Nakedman’s leg. He crashes his elbow against it; Nakedman gets his leg loose, that’s the leg that bothered him as he came in. It must be sore again… Nakedman tries to hop back but Vulcan Raven with a Russian Leg Sweep. Nakedman crashes to the floor!

 

Chip: Geez. Take a breath Jim. You tried to fit that all at once.

 

Dale: What can I say- the match is speeding up. Nakedman is trying to pick himself up, he is grabbing onto Vulc’s clothes and pulling himself. Vulcan Raven pushes him away again. Nakedman’s ribs go into the side of the isle. Now Vulc is taking control, he grabs onto Nakedman’s neck… DDT!

 

Chip: That’s it, Nakedman is finished. It’s as good as over now.

 

Dale: Don’t be foolish Chip- you know a match never ends until someone puts on his finisher.

 

Chip: Oh yeah… that’s right. I gotta give you your props.

 

Dale: Props?

 

Chip: Yeah man, I’m from the hood.

 

Dale: No you aren’t.

 

Chip: Yes I am.

 

Dale: You’re from the white upper-middle class suburbs.

 

Chip: Uhh… uhh… SHUT UP and call the match why don’t you?

 

Dale: Vulcan Raven… oh no, doesn’t history teach us anything?… He is going up to the top of that shelf. He is climbing it. Didn’t he learn from before?

 

Chip: Yeah, but Nakedman is down this time! Haha!

 

Dale: What is Vulcan Raven going to do? It looks like he is going to jump down… here it comes… ELBOW DROP!

 

THUD.

 

Dale: Vulcan Raven with an elbow drop from about 6 feet High! That must have destroyed Nakedman. It took quite a bit out of him too. He is trying to pull himself up.

 

Chip: Man, I can’t believe he used that move by that washed up old Randy Savage.

 

Dale: Vulc has almost got it back. He is going to go for a cover.

 

Chip: Speaking of Randy Savage, hey Jim… did you see that video with Gorgeous George that Icehawg put on the BoD? It was… Jim, Jim, are you listening to me?

 

Dale: That’s it- Vulcan is on top of him now! He is going for a cover. He is not going to make the stupid mistake that he made last time by letting off. This is to make it to the finals of the Bar Room Brawl! The ref is covering!

 

The ref slides down and begins the count… 1… 2…

 

 

CONTINUED