Charon, Ferryman of the Dead: You have found me out. *cries from empty eye sockets*
Naked: AGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! A TALKING
SKELETON!
The three girls run away too, hiding from the
undead skeleton man.
Naked: MAN! That
is messed up. That is seriously a thousand times more scary than the
sheet! Why didn’t you just creep me out like that?!
Charon: I do not see
why you are so scared. We have met before. Do you not remember?
Naked: Uh… I
think I’d remember a talking, walking skeleton.
Charon: It was at
the stable wars 4-man event. With the paintball. And the miniature golf. I’m
the guy who whacked people unconscious with my paddle and then I opened their
mouth to see if they had any coins under their tongues. You know, because
that’s what I do. That and haunt things.
Naked: Dude,
there were like 500 posts in that thing. How could I remember? Plus Homeless J
and Gentleman had me baked the whole time.
Charon: Why… you
ask? Why did I do this?
Naked: Actually,
no. I don’t really car-
Charon: -I’ll tell
you why! You only gave me three months. Then I was abandoned. Didn’t I deserve
more than 3 months? Come on. I’m very cool. Check out this paddle I have. I use
it to row my boat across the River Acheron.
He pulls the paddle out of the sheet.
Naked: I only
gave you three months? What are you talking about?
Charon: And you
never gave me extreme membership. Was I not worth it? Damn you Nakedman, damn
you to Hades! Which is where I am from, by the way.
*WHACK*
Naked: OW! You
just hit me with that paddle!!! Why you little… hrmm… no wait. Now I’m starting
to remember you.
Charon: Yes!
Charon grabs the bottle of water that Neo used
to wake up Nakedman with earlier. He has a drink to clear his non-existent
throat. It falls right through his ribs and soils the ground at his feet.
Naked: You were
outside of the “Escape the Castle” match, trying to get in. Right?
Charon: NO! THAT WAS
SKELETOR!
Naked: Pfft.
Skeletor? That’s insane. He’s just a cartoon villain. No one would be stupid
enough believe in or fear cartoon villains. Or watch teaser videos for the Evil
Empire set up over the course of a month.
Charon: Silence, or
you will be whacked.
Naked: So wait.
When I stabbed you in the castle, how did you bleed? I mean… since you’re a
skeleton.
Charon: Instead of
answering that question, I will dodge and ignore it completely.
Naked: And to
think. All of this just to get at me. It doesn’t make any sense.
Charon: Okay…
Nakedman. I didn’t REALLY do it to get to you. It was all a huge
publicity stunt. You see, I figured the Bar Room would have a big audience.
So I just wanted to use this as a forum to debut my boy band’s hit new single,
“We’re Better Than You.” Come here, guys.
And from behind an armor store walk out three
more skeletons. One is Bones Jackson, Mutant League Football Superstar. The
next is Tzontemoc, a skeletal god of the Aztecs. The last skeleton is the Grim
Reaper. Not to be confused with Grimm. What reason would that fatty Grimm have
to be in the Bar Room Brawl?
Charon: Ladies and
Gentlemen… we are: N’GRAVE!
The four start doing coordinated dance numbers
as music plays out of nowhere.
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better that
you!
Baby, we’re
skeletons…
Oh baby, yeah,
we’re the ones
The ones who got
the ribs hanging out their chest
The ones who get
the ladies cuz we’re the best
I’ve got bone to
pick with your puny flesh
While you will rot
our calcium always stays fresh
But we love the way
your ladies talk to us with their tones
Mmm, yeah
We know all they
want to do is get right to our bones!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better that
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re friggin
see-through!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better than
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
Your ladies we
screw!
Bones Jackson, Mutant League hero and running
back, steps up for a verse of his own… solo. The “Oooos” in the background,
however, are added to by the rest of the band.
Baby you know that
I’m Decayed,
Oooooo…
Baby you know that
I’m Deceased,
Oooooo…
But baby, baby,
baby
Doncha know I’m an
undead scoring Beast?
When I roll these
bones they always come up six…
Touchdown with the
ladies, then conversion, no never kicks…
If they didn’t rot
long ago I’d show you my balls…
Baby then I know
you’d always return my calls… CUZZZ…
(everyone)
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better that
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re friggin
see-through!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better than
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re the undead
crew!
Charon steps forward to begin his verse.
I’m the ferryman of
the dead
On the Acheron
I would make you
give me head
If my crotch
weren’t gone
I’m the bony kind
of guy that you’d like to straddle
You can grab up on
my bones, just don’t touch the paddle
Uh huh!
I will whack you on
the skull, yeah, there is no doubt
You best take the
paddle beatin’ and please don’t pout
Don’t confuse my
river and say I cross the Styx
Or I’ll turn you out
and make you my mythological tricks
And Don’t laugh at
the fact I ain’t got no groin,
It won’t be so
funny when you ain’t got my coin… BECAUSE…
(everyone)
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better that
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
Food Falls right
through!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better than
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
No respiratory
System, so we can’t catch the flu!
Death, aka… The Grim Reaper steps up. He’s the
outcast badboy in the group.
I’ll make you
scream my name in your final breath,
Baby you know the
last thing you’ll do is call for “Death.”
When it’s your time
to go, it’s my time to come
So open up your
mouth baby… say yum!
My touch will send
you cold and to the grave
Baby you think
you’re free, but your soul’s my slave
Don’t think the
Reaper boy is just a joke,
We’ll go one on
one, I’ll take off the cloak… like Neo… CUZZZ…
(everyone)
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better that
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
The bones stay
together with glue!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better than
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re the
underworld coup!
Finally Tzontemoc, from old Mexico, brings out
his Latin flavor!
Baby baby baby,
look up and check,
Here’s a kiss blown
to you from the skull Aztec
Look inside me
baby, see my guts are in dearth
But I’m the
sweetest skull boy on the planet earth
I came from the
heavens and from Tenochtitlan
Though I ain’t got
no heart I can be your man
Speaking of hearts,
my people cut them outta virgins
Baby give your
heart to me, I’ll be your love surgeon
Come on up to me
and hold my skeletal frame
My lovin puts all
the other undead boys down in shame … Because…
(everyone)
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better that
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re friggin
see-through!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better than
you!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
You gotta know its
true!
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
We’re better than you!
The music ends and they hold their positions,
with arms extending. They await applause.
Charon: What? Come
on man. GIVE IT UP! That was awesome!
Naked: You’ve got
to be kidding me.
Charon: Yeah. You’re
right. I really did to it all because I hate you, Nakedman. I was going to
destroy you. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you
meddlesome kids and that dog!
Naked: What dog?
Charon: That’s not
important. What is important is that I whack you with this paddle.
Consummately.
*WHACK*
Naked: AGH!
*WHACK*
Naked: OW!
*WHACK*
And Charon chases Nakedman off into the sunset. His sisters just stand there laughing. Neoprene is still
unconscious. The Gothic Warriors are sleeping and Davros is, well, unimpressed.
Davros: WHAT?! WHAT?!
CHARON?! WHO THE HELL IS CHARON?!
Comic Book Store Guy: Worst… revelation… ever.
Davros: That was quite
possibly the most unimpressive “surprise” I have ever seen! I can’t believe I
had to sit through 3 rounds of this crap for that! All those guys kept emailing me: “Hey
Davros… who’s the Ghost Guy?” … “Do you know who the Spooky Ghost is?” ARGH!
That sucked!
Charon runs up.
Charon: Damn you
Davros! I rule! I was in a national! I swear Head hired me in the UCE! I am a
somebody! *WHACK*
He takes out Davros with the paddle and now
the entire commentator crew is in la-la land.
Charon: Hey! What
are you doing? Are you fading out on me? Don’t fade out on me!!! STOP Fading!
HEY! Hey SONY RECORDS… CALL ME! No… come back. Where are you going? Don’t cut off the feed!
*fuzz*
The End.