Trillingham Castle, Ontario Canada.
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A secluded room on the first floor…
Davros: Hi there
everyone. We’re broadcasting live from a makeshift studio in Trillingham
Castle, on the grounds of the Ontario Renaissance Festival! I’m Special Events
Coordinator Davros here to provide analysis. And along my side are
Wrassle[dot]Net and iAPWF legends: Virtue Knight and Count Justice, here to
provide commentary.
Virtue and Justice sit, confused.
Davros: Uh… talk
into the microphones, guys.
The two knights in armor look at each other
and shrug their shoulders.
Davros: The things
on the desk. Put your mouth to them and speak.
CJ: Forsooth, what doth
he speak of?
VK: Nay asketh me.
And then the two notice that their voices have
been loudened by the microphones in front of them.
CJ: FIE! These devices
of evil doth capture our voices! Slayeth them!
VK: AYE!
They pull out their sword and whack at the
entire table area.
Davros: Well… uhh…
maybe Virtue Knight and Count Justice will be able to give us some insightful
commentary in a short while…
VK: Look Sir Justice,
that box yonder doth have small people in it! We must free them!
CJ: Unless they be
moors, then we must smite then, huzzah!
Davros: No… wait…
guys. That’s a monitor. I explained it to you-- guys, no! Don’t… *sigh*…
And so Davros gives up and lets them go on
their tirade of destroying demon-like things known as “technology.” Besides,
Davros is kind of evil anyway.
Davros: Now, this
particular match will help to continue the amazing first round of the Bar Room
Brawl: Yonder Renaissance Festival! This match takes place right here in
Trillingham Castle, starting on the top floor, part of a castle tower,
actually. We’ve got hidden cameras installed everywhere to watch the adventure
of two individuals: NGPW’s Kurt Slasher and HCW’s Nakedman!
Davros looks down in shame as he realizes he
will have to provide analysis on a guy who wears no pants.
Davros: Both men
have been brought to the castle, and the first man out of it is the winner! It’s
like a great escape match. And let me tell you, this castle is full of hidden
corridors, old spooky rooms, dungeons and all sorts of crazy stuff!
Right now you may be wondering, “Hey! I wonder
how Kurt Slasher and Nakedman were put in the castle in a way that makes them
unable to find their way out.”
Davros: And just in
case you’re wondering how Kurt Slasher and Nakedman were put in this castle in
a way so that they will be unable to find their way out-- I’ll tell you! Both
men were placed in body-sized wooden boxes on the main Renaissance Festival
grounds. They were then carted over here to the castle and carried throughout
it to the top of the tower…
…Along their journey, the carriers stopped,
spun in circles many times, and re-traveled their previous steps. Both men will
be so disoriented that they will have no idea how to get out!
He laughs, knowing that one or both of them
may have vomited all over themselves in their box.
Davros: At any rate,
we should take you upstairs to the opening of Slasher and Nakedman’s boxes now.
Along the way I, and maybe Count Justice and Virtue Knight, will be keeping you
up to date with info and analysis of their progress. So technicians, lets take
the video feed to the tower to meet a special guest!
Top Floor of the Tower, East Wing of Trillingham Castle.
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Maverick: Move it! Move it!
Move it!
A group of two carries one box and a group of
three carries another.
Scott “Deuce” McLin: *gasp*… why do we have to carry these coffins?
Bobby “The Brain” Hennan: Yeah! Do I look like a pallbearer? I hope not. He’s obese.
Jesse Ventura: Hey! This guy is heavier than your guy. I don’t know what you’re
complaining about!
Scott: Yeah, but you got
three people carrying yours.
Crockett: Shut your
mouth, whiner.
Tubbs: Yeah.
Maverick: Now look, ever
since the CWA shut down… all of you are in desperate need of a job. This is a
favor guys, a favor! You’re lucky to be working at all. Now drop these idiots
and lets get out of here.
Scott and Bobby drop their box. Ventura,
Crockett and Tubbs drop theirs at the same time.
*THUD*THUD*
Maverick: Okay now. Lets open
them up, one at a time. Lets start with this one.
Scott and Bobby grab their crowbar and start
to tear open their box, ripping the nailed-in lid away.
Scott: Grrrr! Almost got
it… aaaand…
*POP*
Both fall over backwards as it gives, and-
Nakedman:
*GASP*GASP*GASP*GASP*… AIR! AIIIIIR!
Nakedman jumps out of the box to breath the
sweet, sweet oxygen of life and end his confrontation with claustrophobia.
Naked: Precious
giver of being… *gasp*… thank you for filling my lungs!
*kick*
Naked: Ow!
Maverick: Cut the theatrics,
you crazy naked freak. And put some clothes on.
Naked: Maverick?
I thought you were too important to show up to these special event thingies.
Maverick: Well don’t count on
me being here for long.
Naked: I’d think
you would have some common decency to put some holes for air in the box or
something.
Maverick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take that up with the Chief Players Officer there, Nakey. That’s not my
business. Now lets crack that other box open so I can get the hell out of here.
Naked: Wow, I
can’t believe you’re related to Storm. Even though you look exactly the same.
Did I ever tell you about this time in the Bobbybob’s Allstars when-
*POP*
The other lid comes open and a brawny,
fearsome looking foe pops out, wearing a gasmask.
Cue joke that is only funny to me.
Naked: Arsenic?
The man with his mask and oxygen tank takes
the accessories off to reveal… (duh)… Kurt
Slasher!
Naked: Hey, hey,
hey wait now… how come he gets an oxygen tank for his box and I don’t? I was
dying in there!
Maverick: Hrmm, now I’m just
guessing here, but it may have something to do with him being a serious, tough,
street-smart wrassler with actual muscle and talent, and you being a skinny,
goofy comic foil.
Naked: Geez, you
don’t have to rub it in. BUT Ooo… look what I did have instead of an air tank!
Nakedman pulls out a delicious banana and
starts eating it. Don’t ask where Nakedman pulled it out from.
Kurt Slasher: Ah, well look who it is. My opponent “Nakedman,” ugh.
Naked: Hi there
Kurt! I hear that you’re from that zany NGPW fed! You know, I heard Mags went
to the NGPW month. Isn’t that crazy? Is that fed really in Japan? What does
Japanese food taste like? If you have sex with an Asian woman, do you just want
to have sex again an hour later? And what about those pachinko machines? Aren’t
those things just-
Kurt Slasher: Please shut up, you streaking moron. I’ve heard a few things
about you and all I can do is roll my eyes to hear that I’ve got to do this
with a pervert who’s stuff will be flopping around. And AoD?… please.
They are a joke. If you were in a fed with the Unholy Alliance you would be-
Naked: -Bored?
Quite likely, yes.
Kurt Slasher: I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not a bit impressed by you.
Try to play nice and act like my friend, or try to terrorize me all you want
with your gross body parts, but when it comes down to it I will beat you out of
this castle. Perhaps literally.
Naked: Well then,
I guess I’d win because if you beat me out of the castle, literally, then I’d
be the one out of the castle and I’d win. Unless, of course, you got out of the
castle first and came back in to beat me out of it. In which case-
Maverick: Say, is that a
third box over there in the corner? I didn’t know we had three. Why don’t we
open that one up?
Crockett: I’ll do it.
Tubbs: Why not,
I’ll help.
And so they pick up their crowbar, jack it
open and-
The Count: -Blah! Ah,
ah, ah. Lets count to three- von, two…
Maverick: Von sucks. Close
it.
Crockett and Tubbs punch him in the face,
steal his wallet and shut the coffin.
Maverick: Well, I’m out of
here now. Kurt and Naked, you two can settle this on your own. Come on gang.
He waves for his group of lackeys to follow
and they do. But before closing the door to the tower room, he looks back in.
Maverick: Oh, and don’t think
of trying to follow us out. Once I close this door it can’t be opened again for
three minutes. We installed a special lock for this room. We’ll be far out of
sight by the time you can try to catch up with us for an easy way out. Adios!
*SLAM*