In the dark secret passage, we come to an intersection where the passages from 4 different rooms (and four different BRB rewrites) all meet.
Virtue Knight, aka "Colonel Mustard": Fie! Where be I? For one moment, I be with the Officer and the foppish dandy! But now I be here!
*BUMP*
Dr. Abortion, aka "Miss Scarlett": AGH! Watch where you're going, Assface!
Colonel Mustard: Fie! It be a ghoul!
Colonel Mustard draws his sword and waves it at Miss Scarlett.
Suddenly, grunts and slams can be heard from down a side section of passage
Miss Scarlett: Wait... do you hear something? Sounds like FOIGHTIN!
But before anyone can answer, Stormtrooper appears, pulls out his blaster pistol and aims it at Colonel Mustard.
Stormtrooper, aka "Mrs. White": Who are you? Assassins? Enemies of the King of Canada?
Colonel Mustard: What be this Canada thou speaketh of? And lower thine crossbow, knave!
Mrs. White: Knave? F***. I'm a king, bitch!
And back from down the side section, a shout is heard.
Cockney Voice: "Get offa me, ya bleedin' poof!"
Miss Scarlett: What the hell? Who else is here? I can't see well.
Dr. A/Ms. Scarlett holds up high the lit candle on the candlestick he brought with him and squints, trying to identify the people around him through the shadows.
Colonel Mustard: I be Colonel Mustard, and I be tasked by King Richard to discover who didst slay the noble Mr. Boddy!
Mrs. White: Uh ... I guess you gotta call me Mrs. White.
Colonel Mustard: Hah. Away from me then, wench. I wouldst nay even wish thee to pleasureth mine loins. For thou soundeth quite manly!
Mrs. White: God Damnit. I'm not a f***ing woman.
Colonel Mustard: And yet thou be Mrs. White? Be thou some sort of super-fop?
Miss Scarlett: Well my name is Miss Scarlett. Uhh... Johannsen. *shrugs*
Colonel Mustard: Ah. Now thou soundeth like a well woman. Pleasureth mine loins, wench!
Mrs. White: Look, I know English, but I have no idea what you're saying half the time. But I'm a man, a very manly man.
Colonel Mustard: I question thine manliness. Thou soundeth like a Frenchman, with thine unmanliness.
Mrs. White: Question my manliness? I'll shoot you. I'll do it. I'm crazy.
Colonel Mustard: Hah! Thou be so unmanly, thou wouldst surely misseth! I challenge thee to shooteth me!
Miss Scarlett: Look, no need to talk about killing anyone. Unless we're talking about killing babies. In which case, please, carry on.
Colonel Mustard: I doth only smite the babies of Moors.
Mrs. White: Fine. I won't kill you now. But I'm adding you to my list.
Stormtrooper/Mrs. White pulls out a note pad and adds Virtue Knight's name to it.
But again from down a corridor�
Other Voice: "You're the murderer, and I'm going to bring you to justice"
Colonel Mustard: Fie! Who be making all that racket? Doth nay maketh me smite thee, ignoble curs!
At this point Hank Hooligan and Law Martin, also known as Princess Peach and Mrs. Peacock, come rolling along the floor in a scuffling heap.
Hank Hooligan, aka "Princess Peach": *being choked out by Law* "Would... one... of... yew.. .tossahs... 'elp... a.... bloke?"
Colonel Mustard: Aye.
Virtue Knight stabs Law Martin.
Law Martin, aka "Mrs. Peacock": "OW! What the hell are you doing stabbing me? You might put an eye out like that!"
Miss Scarlett: Shut up!
Dr. Abortion then slugs Mrs. Peacock on the head with the candlestick as he nurses his stab wound.
Mrs. White: Ha! Way to attack a wounded man!
Colonel Mustard: Aye. Be thou a knight? For thou doth fight most honorably like one!
Miss Scarlett: Who asked you, Mrs. White? Not me.
Mrs. White: Hey, you wanna get added to the list, too?
Colonel Mustard: Now, who be this knave I didst just stabbeth? And who didst I saveth?
Princess Peach: "Hank, er...Princess Peach. And this here is Law, erm, Mrs. Peacock."
Princess Peach, takes the opportunity and pulls a switch, just like straight out of a UFC fight, and suddenly Mrs. Peacock finds himself flat on his face.
Mrs. White: Yea, kick his ass!
Colonel Mustard: Fie. He didst already be knocked out. Why doth thou smite him again?
Miss Scarlett: Obviously because it was funny to do.
Princess Peach: " 'and me that bleedin' thing"
Peach takes the candlestick and wacks Law, erm, Mrs. Peacock in the back of the head with it, knocking him out cold.
Colonel Mustard: Fie. How didst he be knocked out three different times? That seemeth most odd to me.
Mrs. White: *giggles*
Princess Peach: "Best to be safe than jumped from behind, me mum used ta say!"
Miss Scarlett: Your mother was obviously an idiot and a whore.
Princess Peach: "An idiot?...not so much"
Colonel Mustard: I still knoweth nay where I be. For one moment, I be standing against a wall. The next, I be here, with thou knaves.
Mrs. White: Will you just speak English? Geez, you're harder to understand than a Slisusk.
Colonel Mustard: Aye. This knave Princess Peach shouldst learneth to speaketh the King's English! He soundeth like a Scot!
Mrs. White: I was talking about you.
Princess Peach: "Funny thing, that, I was fully expectin' to clobbah that tossah into tha wall, but instead, the world got all topsy-turvy and next thing I knows I'm 'ere!"
Miss Scarlett: This is some sort of secret passage ma-bob. I hit a switch on the billiard table accidentally when I was having hot sex with Jessica Alba. Oh, I haven't introduced you yet! Say hi to the guys, Jessica!
He points to Jessica Alba, who doesn�t really exist because he�s crazy.
Mrs. White: I don't see her. Is she back down the hallway?
Colonel Mustard: I doth nay see anyone.
Princess Peach: *blink, blink*
Jessica Alba: Don't listen to them Doc. I'm like the Emperor's new clothes. Only the most awesome can see me!
Princess Peach: "Oi, now, is tha Doc got all 'is marbles?"
Mrs. White: Marbles? What do marbles have to do with anything? He's just insane.
Colonel Mustard: Hah! Nay, he be but a shabby peasant! He couldst nay afford any marble!
Miss Scarlett: Actually, one of my marbles got stabbed a few years ago and I can't have kids. But I have no idea why you'd bring that up except to be hurtful. And please, don't call me doc. Call me Ms. Scarlett. Or COMMISSIONER OF NGPW!
Mrs. White: Fine, as long as you don't call me Mrs. White again.
Colonel Mustard: But thou be Mrs. White. Or didst thou lieth about thine name? That be a crime in mine lands! I shouldst smite thee now!
Miss Scarlett: Do it! Do it!
Princess Peach: "Man, why do I always end up wif tha crackpots?"
Mrs. White: Just try it. This is plasteel armor!
Colonel Mustard: Aye! I shalt!
Princess Peach: "Ain't this a peach...oh bollocks wif these bleedin' codenames.....a bunch o' garbage they are!"
Colonel Mustard stabs Mrs. White with his sword.
Mrs. White: Ow! How'd you do that?
Princess Peach: "As scary as this is, but as the voice of reason here," *shudder* "I think we might want to see about gettin' outta 'ere!"
Colonel Mustard: Aye. I must returneth to the crime scene, lest the Moor there get away with more slayings! Thou see, one of the fops be a Moor. That doth clearly maketh him guilty, but everyone else didst wanteth "proof". Hah! I be a noble, that be all the proof I doth need!
Princess Peach: "and there's a bleedin' bleedah that may just PMS 'er way out o' bein' brought up on charges!"
Miss Scarlett: No wait! Now that I've gotten away from those useless morons I was with on TEAM AWESOME, I want to compare notes with some potentially non-suckwads. Any of you found any evidence or anything yet?
Mrs. White: Evidence? I was just burning stuff.
Miss Scarlett: Is one of the things you burned a� say� map?
Mrs. White: Yea maybe. I was pretty much just burning everything in the library.
Miss Scarlett: Ah, well, that is what Stormtroopers do in libraries. Or what Mrs. Whites do in libraries. Whatever man. I dunno.
Colonel Mustard: I doth burn libraries as well, for the only book that be important be the Bible!
Mrs. White: Oh, I forgot ... one of the things I was about to burn was THIS!
He holds up the map.
Mrs. White: You want it?
Miss Scarlett: Meh, what will it cost me?
Mrs. White: What do you have give me?
Miss Scarlett: Syphilis, for one.
Colonel Mustard snatches the map away from Mrs. White.
Colonel Mustard: It shalt cost thee 10 gold dubloons!
Princess Peach: "Dubloons?!?" *blink, blink*
Mrs. White: Damn my lack of peripheral vision.
Colonel Mustard: Aye. Thou be wearing a helmet, which doth restrict thine vision. I be more intelligent than thee, and didst taketh mine off!
Mrs. White: I guess I'm just one of those people who never take their head gear off.
Colonel Mustard: Hah!
Mrs. White: That's it. You just earned yourself a spot on the list.
Stormtrooper takes his notebook out and adds Princess Peach.
Princess Peach: *yoink!*
Peach snatches it away yet again, and this time hands it to Scarlett.
Princess Peach: "'ere, take the bleedin' thing. Call it even trade fer the candlestick."
Colonel Mustard: Fie! Doth nay stealeth from me, knave!
Colonel Mustard stabs Princess Peach
Princess Peach: "OW! watch it, ya tossah! Ya might put a bleedin' eye out!"
Colonel Mustard: I doth wisheth to put thine life out. But I doth keep missing.
Miss Scarlett: Say, that list of yours, Mrs. White. Does it happen to be a list of the richest and sexiest men alive? And if so... am I at the top?
Princess Peach: "BWA-HAHAHAHAHA...oh gawd!" *hold sides* "stop...the laughin'...it 'urts!"
Mrs. White: It's my "to kill" list and the top place is already taken by Killall.
Colonel Mustard: Fie! Thou wisheth to harm Sir Killall? Thou art a blackguard!
Colonel Mustard stabs Mrs. White.
Mrs. White: Damnit! How do you keep piercing my armor?!
Colonel Mustard: It be mine Cod Piece of Power. It maketh me most strong.
Miss Scarlett: Hahaha. You poor, stupid morons. Looks like I'm the only one here who will go unstabbed!
Colonel Mustard: Thou hath yet to do anything to earn mine ire!
Princess Peach looks down and sees the blood starting to stain his shirt
Princess Peach: "You git! I'm bleedin'!"
Mrs. White draws his stormtrooper blaster and shoots Colonel Mustard.
Colonel Mustard: *dies*
Mrs. White: Damn, I was supposed to stop killing people.
Princess Peach: "Oh wait, he's dead...no worries then!"
Miss Scarlett: Wait! I'm a doctor. I can heal all!
Mrs. White: Eh, just leave him.
Miss Scarlett: Hrm. An even better idea! I like how you think.
Mrs. White: Yup.
Princess Peach: "Leave him? But I loike to kick 'im when 'e's down...bleedin' poof!"
Just then, Law Martin/Peacock starts stirring, and Princess Peach delivers another boot to send him back down.
Mrs. White: *awkward pause*
Princess Peach: *cricket's chirp*
Miss Scarlett: *pregnant pause*
Colonel Mustard: *dead silence*
Princess Peach: "So, now that we got two dead bodies,...I won't tell if yew won't!"
Mrs. White: If we just left right now, how long you think before anyone finds them?
Princess Peach: "Bollocks if I know bloke...wif this lot in 'ere, could be anothah 4 or 5 years."
Miss Scarlett: I dunno. Jessica Alba could start running her mouth and tell everyone.
Princess Peach: *To Mrs. White* "Is 'e fer sure all roight?"
Mrs. White: *Back to Princess Peach* I don't think so. Wanna make it three bodies?
Miss Scarlett: *nervous*... Uhm. Oh gee, look at the time! Well, this secret passage was fun, but I better be getting back to the Billiard Room!
He starts taking a few steps backwards.
Princess Peach: "Eh, that bleedin Goth bird's already tryin' to pin the one that I didn't do on me, I'd kinda 'ate fer 'er to be right, know whot I mean?"
Miss Scarlett: What? You mean the one with the bleeding vagina?
Princess Peach: "Yeah, I think she was the one 'oo did it, 'cos 'e knew that aunty Flo was on 'er monthly visit, 'ence the Coach Crimson monikah."
Mrs. White: Yea, I gotta go too. I wanna see if those guys died from smoke inhalation yet.
Princess Peach: "Is that whot I smelled, I just thought it was the Doc 'ere."
Peach looks down at Peacock.
Princess Peach: "Well, if this uptoight pooftah's feet are pointin' that way, then that must be tha way I came!"
Mrs. White: I'll be seein' you.
Miss Scarlett: Okay. Bye then! HOO-HOO!
Miss Scarlett/Dr. A grabs Peach and White's heads and clonk them together... then runs off from whence he came, screaming like oldschool Daffy Duck.
Princess Peach: "OW!...lucky I didn't lose an eye!"
Mrs. White: I'm so gonna kill him some day.
Mrs. White/Stormtrooper turns around and walks away after giving a last kick into Colonel Mustard/Virtue Knight�s ribs.
With candlestick in hand and rubbing his forehead, Princess Peach/Hank Hooligan turns and heads out the way he came to reenter that pit of personal hell known as the dining room.
Thus all four men head off back to their respective rooms/rewrites. Well, Virtue Knight doesn�t head back really.
