"This is my calling
I said my darling
Shocking appalling
All I can give to you"
[Red Hot Chili Peppers, "This is the Place"]

Silly me. I haven't brought my CDs to Dave's yet. That's why the strange moods lately - I'm "off my medication". A little Red Hot Chili Peppers on the discman on the way to the old apartment straightened me right out.

Ok, maybe "straightened me right out" is a bit of an exaggeration, but it definitely put me in a better headspace. Hell, I was doing this little half-strut-half-dance thing down the sidewalk at one point. Anyone who knows me would raise an eyebrow at that, unless, of course, they know about the "one step behind" thing, in which case it probably makes perfect sense.

It seems I'm always "one step behind" when it comes to girlfriends. Whatever their biggest complaint about me, chances are it's something that changes in the months just after our breakup.

Bernice felt I wasn't ambitious enough. I didn't pay enough attention to money. I had no ideas about what I really wanted to do as a career. I wasn't looking to "settle down" and get on with my life.

Over the course of the years since our breakup, I've become a lot more financially responsible, interested in my career, and determined to settle into a long term relationship.

Jenna complained that I didn't compliment her enough. She said I didn't make her feel like I found her attractive.
Hmmm... seems like a no-brainer really.
Since our breakup, I've become much more free with compliments. It's not forced - I've just come to actually open my mouth and say what I'm thinking, when in the past I often didn't.

I'm not sure exactly what kept Jenny from loving me, but I imagine that at least in part it was due to a certain "stoicism" on my part - I don't dance, I'm almost too calm, I imagine, for her tastes.

And yesterday, in a moment of feeling full-of-life (and I've had many such moments in the past month), I was practically dancing down the sidewalk. If I'd bumped into her, or someone else I knew, I'd probably have stopped, danced, and continued on without exchanging words. (That's the shit that leaves people wondering.)

I hear there's a new Linkin Park CD out. Guess I have to hit the music store today.

I guess the relationship that will be my last will be the one where I finally catch up - where I am what they're looking for at the time, and not three months or three years after the fact.