"Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time"
[Beck, "Lonesome Tears"]

I'm mostly moved. I'm living with Dave now. I just need to get the last of my things over here, get rid of unwanted furniture, and clean the place. I should be happy to be nearly done one step forward, but I've had powerful and mixed feelings of late.

On the one hand, I know that as soon as I'm finally completely free and clear of the old apartment, and settled away in the new, complete with decorating my room, etc, that I'll finally, after almost 2 years, have a sanctuary that I've lacked for so long. I look forward to that. And I look forward to (hopefully) writing more as well.

On the other hand...

As I lay in bed last night, I felt a bit overcome with a real feeling of loneliness. I was wondering if I was going to dream about what I did the night before: a sex dream about Jenny, which, while very erotic, was also somewhat unwelcome. Sex between us was stellar, but missing her pains me. So I just found myself briefly overwhelmed with this sense of solitude. I guess it comes from a collection of things: I miss JonJon because he's away, I miss Tracey, I miss Geoff because even though he's here, he's been so busy with school... Rod comes in and out of town for days at a time. And I miss Jenny, of course. I miss her, specifically, but in a more general sense, I also miss having someone to hold, to laugh and cry with, to curl up and sleep with. I think I'm finally passing slowly into the "3rd phase".

After a break up some time back, and acquaintance of mine, on hearing of it, said "so which phase are you in?" "Huh?" "There are three phases of break-up for men," he explained, "angry, slutty, and back to normal and looking." I was in angry at the time. As evidenced by the poem I wrote the other day, my recent obsession with thoughts of cunnilingus would seem to indicate about where I feel am now over this recent one, but perhaps I'm slowly getting past that (and without having indulged any of that carefree-no-strings-let's-have-crazy-monkey-sex urge, sadly), and starting to move into an emotional place where maybe I am ready to start anew. Which would be good news for women, I guess, since hooking up with me during angry or slutty probably doesn't lend itself immediately to a good relationship.

I'm wondering if with Stephanie, our "window is closing" and we're becoming too much of friends to be anything more, if that makes any sense at all. Talk to someone for six weeks, go out twice, but not touch each other... it doesn't feel like dating. I know that's almost entirely due to the fact that each of our lives is simply so busy right now, but... as my sister Nancy puts it sometimes (about relationships in general, not this one specifically): "if you were both that interested, you'd make time". Well, time will tell, I guess.

I wish I could make a vacation. Over four years and I've still never really had one. And now that I'm off work, people are sending me job postings by Email, telling me people I should talk too, etc, etc, etc. I should be grateful. I should be pursuing them all eagerly and getting back on my feet. But all I can think about are getting the hell out of that old apartment, tonguing women, or a warm hug bundled up in a cozy bed.

My head needs to do some sorting and break out of its fixations.