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"it won't give up it wants me dead 1:45am. I got back out of bed after Law and Order ended because I knew I stood zero chance of falling asleep soon. I don't have much to say - I don't want to talk about exactly what's buzzing in my head at the moment - but I needed a way to try to exorcise my demon so I might rest. The recent plans I set into motion towards finding myself dates, action, what-have-you, are almost past what I'm terming "Stage One", and into "Stage Two". Stage One is pure prep. That's making mixed CDs, buying wine, tidying my room, condoms, snack food... trying to imagine everything possible I could need in order to have a successful date at home or out somewhere, so as to be ready when the time comes. I fully realize that for many, they'd either abhor the complete lack of spontenaiety in that, or in the least they laugh at my fussing about so much over something trivial, especially when at this point, I don't even have a particular woman in mind. (And I will indeed go through the whole process again once I do, to make sure there's nothing I've overlooked.) I know friends see this in me and find it foolish or amusing. But it's a part of what makes me uniquely me, too, and besides, it brings me comfort and confidence. And that's the important part. My obsession with body hair - my hatred of it - on myself or on others, is growing. If I had an easy, irreversible and affordable way to remove all hair on my body from the neck down, I'd do it. In the blink of an eye. This is completely off-topic. Don't try to connect it, there isn't a connection other than that I got an itch. Stage Two is meeting women, making contact, finding possible matches. I'm bordering on that stage now, and if my horoscope is to be believed, the next 4 to 6 weeks should prove very fruitful. I changed my profiles online a while back, and I expect to do so again soon. I've actually been doing what you might term "market research", in a way: finding out what it is that makes women take a second look, and trying to gear towards that. It all comes back to something really simple my brother taught me eons ago about picking up women. I'd explain, but I'd grossly oversimplify like I do every time I try to explain what he said that night. Point is that he was right, and in my head it comes together nicely. I just now figured something very important out. A moment of clarity struck me. Every relationship I've had, I look back on and ask myself "what did I learn from that?" I've learned different things from each relationship, and in some sense, I consider the measure of a past relationship how much I learned from it, what kind of a lasting, positive impression it had. I'd like to think I learned something from all of them, and without wracking my brain just now, I'd guess that's pretty true. I know I've certainly learned more from some than from others. But I was just struck now with the realization of something I took away from my relationship with Jenny a couple of years ago. I'm not worried about "punching my own weight" any more. Whether it's my ego or self-confidence having grown, or perhaps a rise in my personal level of misogyny (let's hope not, I prefer loving women to hating them, but every man has some measure of it in him), I no longer worry about being "outclassed". I was out of bread and milk. No peanut butter sandwiches, no glass of milk. Surely this is the cause of my insomnia. My routine tonight is fucked. Maybe I'd do well to simply get dressed and go to a 24-hour store. I won't, of course, but tomorrow I can puzzle over whether I should have. I'm rambling like an idiot. I'll go downstairs and try to find something to smear peanut butter on instead.
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naked and unbound |