"I don't believe in the 60s
in the golden age of pop
you glorify the past
when the future dries up"
[U2, "God Part II"]

I've spent too much time lately thinking about past girlfriends.
(And by "lately", I should probably mean the last 18 years or so.)

I woke up this morning from a bizarre dream that involved Jenny, and so I find myself sitting in front of my computer at 843 on a sunday morning in an all-together emotionally uncomfortable place. I've been trying to move forward lately, but I've been kind of "stuck", and whenever this happens, I inevitably end up spending too much time dwelling on the past. It's not healthy for me to do, and I know that, but I've yet to devise a way to keep myself from it. Well, that's not quite true. There is one. But I haven't had the strength or inclination for that lately, which is why I ended up here.

Emotionally and mentally, I've never been diagnosed as having some particular problem and then medicated by doctors, though I fully believe if I ever did allow myself to be tested, they probably would end up medicating me. Of course, I think that's true of most people these day. Rather, I've spend the past decade learning about myself, and learning how to "medicate" myself in other ways. I use music to feed or change my moods, as necessary. I choose activities that are bound to help me think about something, or to keep me from it. And in the 10 years since my mother's death, there has only been one time when I felt I ever truly "lost control" - when I could no longer control my emotions, and could not compell myself to do the things I needed to in order to "medicate" myself safely. That time was recently. And friends, family, and most of all Jenny, helped me through that, though many of them did so unknowingly. Jenny was the only one who truly knew the gravity of the situation, I think. For that, I feel a certain debt of gratitude toward her, and that complicates things.

Let's examine this situation, for instance. At the heart of it, it's quite simple. Problem: having difficulty letting her simply be a part of the past and there's no possibility of somehow mending the situation. Solution: a combination of "anger" music (but not "angsty" music - need high energy anthem-type stuff) and activities that either don't allow me a chance to think, or that force me to focus on the future. So, right now I should be listening to Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park, updating my Lavalife profile and pouring over women on there sending smilies, Emailing Stephanie to arrange another date to see if this thing with her is going to take off or not, and then busily packing up the apartment until my EQ appointment this afternoon. There are times for immersing myself in my thoughts, such as when I think they'll reach some conclusion that will help. Then it would be angsty music and time alone. But no amount of thinking about this is going to bring a resolution, or I'd have found it already. That much I know. So it's a matter of time - with enough time, it will be long enough ago that my foggy memory will work in my favor. The writing, well, for those who have difficulty grasping the obvious, it's often for exorcism. Two peoms I wrote of late were quite obviously inspired by Jenny and Jenna, and one shouldn't have trouble telling which is which.

I suppose a large part of my discontent is the fact that in this particular instance, I'm not happy with simply allowing her to transition into "just another ex-girlfriend". I understand that in some sense, she is. They all are, aren't they? Well, not quite. There are 3 of my girlfriends that stand out in my mind differently than all the others. I didn't realize that until recently, when I gave it a bit more thought. But there are 3 of them whom I've always felt differently about than all the others: Samantha, Tracey, and Bernice. And that's just it, you see: as hard as I tried to get Jennifer into that category, the reason things didn't work, the reason she gave me for wanting to move on herself, these things all come down to the fact that for each of us, we're in that "other category" for one another, that "Category B", no matter how much we wanted it to be differently. Try as I might to force the situation, the fact remains that somewhere deep inside, a part of me knew that while we were having a great times together... great romance... fabulous sex... that I was still trying to make it into more than it was destined to be, or, if it was destined to be something more, then faster than it would allow for. And you can't do that. You can't make a relationship into more of a relationship than it should be. It simply doesn't work that way. But while I revelled in the fact that it felt "better than B", she was honest enough with herself to admit it still wasn't "A material". And so a lot of the anger I think I feel at her should really be at myself. I'm the one who tried too hard. I'm the one who tried to turn it into more than it was. My frustration should be at myself. But I told her she'd never be "just another ex-girlfriend to me", and I meant it. What we had was better than that. It just wasn't enough for "Category A" either, or else we'd still be together.

It's time to get past the "Jodi Richardson" feelings in me (local musician, writes male post-relationship angst into lyrics in ways that are simply marvellous) and move on. It's time to put aside all the petty bullshit 'hope-he's-not-half-as-good-at-cunnilingus-and-her-masturbation-fantasies-are-still-about-me', ditch any Nick Horby wonderment, and get on with my life. And I can only do that by letting her become a part of the past, as she should be, even if she doesn't happen to fit nicely into some little set of pigeon-holes I designed for all the others. Even if a "Category B" did something normally managed only by the "Category A" women, or if the relational database of an overactive mind has to create a whole new "B+" column.

Now if I could only find the goddamn Linkin Park CD, I might be all set, but the fucking thing went missing some time in the last couple of months. Ironically, I think I may have loaned it to Jenny. I'm not quite up to Sting's "Brand New Day" or the Philosopher King's "Famous, Rich and Beautiful" yet, but I'm beyond anything by Nine Inch Nails, that'd be a step back. Mood isn't strange enough to do the 'Chili Peppers. Too much Foo Fighters lately already.

Offspring will have to do.

Now to change the profiles, check the personals, call Stephanie, and pack.

You know, there is someone with whom I'd love to spend some 'casual' time and have some good, simple fun, if I did find the strength and inclination. I wish I could work my brain past this notion of her being too young for me and do that, because if it weren't for that, I think I would find the "strength and inclination" quite easily.

OH! *bounces excitedly* Rage Against the Machine!