"Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person,
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words."
[George Eliot]

Amongst my circle of friends, it is well-accepted that once you've been dating someone for a while - not right away, but once you feel it's on the verge of going somewhere - that you'll bring your new belle around to meet us all, in order to determine how well your potential new mate will fit in with the rest of us. Regardless of the outcome, you're certainly still free to pursue whatever relationship you will, but for some of us, that interaction is important, because it allows you to know going forward what you're in for: dividing your time between mate and friends, or being able to sometimes schedule things that involve both.

This initial encounter is what Geoff and I often refer to as "the acid test", and it's accepted between us and the others that we will, in increasing steps, do our best to "feel out" this new person, trying to find where they draw the lines, and just how much it will take to offend them. We're a pretty laid-back bunch, but with filthy mouths, sarcastic to the extreme, and often about as politically incorrect as one can possibly be. Nothing is so sacred that it can't be made light of, and so it's good to know if the newcomer can cope with that environment.

Recently, Geoff's girlfriend came to visit him here in town, and we subjected her to the acid test. We openly admitted to it, and I jokingly referred to "the five stages" of the acid test. Now, I actually decided in my mind some time back (when subjecting another new acquaintance to it), what these various steps were, but I've never actually openly stated or recorded them anywhere, so having a little time to waste away on a Sunday afternoon, I've decided to present them here. So without further ado:

The Acid Test

Stage One - Casual Inference:

The first step is using "dirty" or offensive words casually in conversation. Does the person become alarmed if the word "cock" happens to float by during an idle chat? Do they tense up or change the subject? Do they use the same language themselves?

Stage Two - Dirty Jokes:

If the casual use of dirty words and sexual inuendo don't seem to offend, it's time to take it up a notch. Tell a dirty joke or two. Do they get them? Do they react in horror or laugh along? Is it a forced laugh or a genuine one? Do they respond in kind with a joke of their own?

Stage Three - The Direct Assault:

If they seem comfortable in an environment where no word is taboo, the next important question is whether or not they can withstand the back-and-forth nastiness we commonly engage in with one another. A directed vulagar question, a sarcastic response, or even a nasty but joking insult serves as a more direct attack on their sensibilities. Do they recoil, speechless? Do they display signs of being horrified or offended? Can they take it and give it back just as well?

Stage Four - As Nasty As You Wanna Be:

Time to push the limits and find out where the lines are. If they've survived Step Three, it means they door is open to saying just about anything. Now the question is what might make it shut again. Spit out something very politically incorrect. Make a sexist comment. Make a racist comment. Make an ageist comment. Slam religion. Slam alternate sexual lifestyles. Make jokes about beastiality or necrophilia. Answer the question: is there a line, anywhere? Is there some subject that is taboo?

Stage Five - All Bets Are Off:

I seldom bring things to what I call "Stage Five", but I have with some people, particularly if they were very resilient in Stage Four. Stage Five is a sort of combination of Stages Three and Four: a deliberate, directed attempt to offend. Tell jokes you're ashamed to even speak. Repeat the most offensive things you ever heard. Do whatever you think it might take to offend this person. Say anything. I can only recall bringing things to Stage Five with one person in recent times. She was incredibly resilient, and indeed, it seems nothing I could say would shake her. There are, however, three jokes I know that I simply never repeat, being they're without a doubt the most horrifying things I've ever heard. I've not sprung those on her yet, so she may still have a line I've not crossed yet.

G's belle withstood the four stages quite well, by the way, for those curious, and she seems comfortable enough with dishing it out as well as taking it. I take this as a good sign and I'm sure Geoff was pleased. And who knows - perhaps next time she visits I'll tell her the jokes I never repeat.