"I woke up in a dream today
to the cold of the static,
and put my cold feet on the floor
forgot all about yesterday
remembering I'm pretending
to be where I'm not any more
a little taste of hypocrisy
and I'm left in the wake
of the mistake, slow to react
even though you're so close to me
you're still so distant, and I can't bring you back"
[Linkin Park, "With You"]

I woke up early this morning from a dream about Jenny. I'd been doing a good job of putting her out of my head lately, of focussing on the future, of the endless possibilities of new and exciting women to meet and date, and on the hope of meeting that Special Someone^TM we all want to find, and which I damn well deserve.

Needless to say, it started my day on the wrong foot. But then, most of my days have been on shakey footing lately, which is, I suppose, ultimately why I'm sitting here typing right now. I'm listless. My head is full. And it's getting too crowded in here for sensibility so it's time I tossed out some of the trash.

A month ago I lost a girlfriend. A week ago I lost a job (well, theoretically I might be hired back soon, but let's not count on it). A week or two from now I'll give my landlord my notice and lose an apartment. So I have to find myself a new girlfriend (and in a whole new way - online personals and dating), find myself a new job (possibly a monumental career change to writing), and find myself a new place to live (I have a temporary one to go to for a few months, until I figure out the job/financial situation).

All of these events represent tragedies in my life, but I'm forcing myself to maintain a Taoist view of it all - that life moves in cycles, and that beneath great tragedy crouches the opportunity for great success. Yes, I've lost a girlfriend, but being she feels she'll never love me, it's best I find someone who will. Yes, I've lost a job, but then maybe it's time I made a career change, and I was stagnating anyway. Yes, I'll be moving out of this apartment, but then, I don't know that I've ever really gotten a good night's sleep here, because I really don't like the place.

Life is a matter of looking at it from the right perspective. My lens is just a little blurred by the past and needs a cleaning.

Most people would suggest that looking for a relationship, or even a date, is probably the last thing I should be doing right now, but then, most people don't understand me or how my brain works. I'm in a sort of Catch-22: until I find someone new to occupy my mind, Jenny will. So long as Jenny does, I probably shouldn't be looking for someone else. I realize that it might seem very unfair of me to whomever these women are, but then, who's life is ever in perfect order when they make that precise, directed effort to meet that special someone? In the words of John Lennon, 'Life's what happens while you're making other plans.' With luck, I might just find someone so special that Jenny becomes the farthest thing from my mind.

So I've a lot to do in terms of going forward, yet my heart is still struggling over letting go of the past. I've spent some time examing where those feelings come from, and I've come to the following conclusions: Yes, I do love her. Yes, that's not enough, and I have to just move on. Yes, I do miss her, but not that much, actually. The real reason my mind keeps coming back to her is that I still can't wrap my head around how, in spite of having such a strong relationship (IMHO), she simply felt she'd never love me. I don't know what that ethereal little "missing thing" is, and I guess I never will. It just doesn't fit with my concept of relationships and how they work. I love people for who they are and the things they do, not at random. To say "I'll never love this person", is, to me, to condemn them as "not being good enough". But I refuse to feel unworthy simply because one woman, in my opinion, doesn't know just what she's throwing away. In my pride, I think she's a fool for doing it, and in my childish vendictive moments, I hope she realizes her mistake some time down the road and regrets it for at least a decade. I know what regret and wonderment like that can feel like; I don't wish it on someone else lightly.

I consider myself an excellent boyfriend. I am considerate, compassionate, and sensitive. I am romantic. I am a good kisser and a gentle and generous lover. I treat women with a great deal of respect and reverance, and remind them of what wonderful people I think they are and why, and make them generally happier and feeling better about themselves and their lives. I touch and caress them and make them feel beautiful. I make sure they know how appreciated they are. I think I'm a great addition to any woman's life. At the same time, I know I can be emotionally-demanding as well. I can be honest to a fault, and stubborn about my opinions. I sometimes have attention-deficit problems. But in the grand scheme of things, when I look around me at the way I see other women treated, hear their horror stories of past relationships, and consider how I am in relationships myself, I fail to understand how I so often find myself single, or how I stay single for as long as I usually do. I tell myself I'm fussy. I tell myself I'm shy. But you'd think if the Women's Underground Network^TM talks at all, that I'd have an easier time meeting women. You'd think women who know me would be trying to introduce me to friends or something. It's strange the way it all works. I've built myself... I've prided myself... on becoming the best boyfriend I can be, and yet, in the end, it's still all a toss of the dice. Until now I always believed that finding and keeping that Special Someone^TM was a sort of skill one could learn and hone. Now I'm faced with the possibility that my fate may involve far more chance than I'm comfortable with.

I don't like that answer, because I don't like settling into the belief that the success or failure of my life is beyond my grasp. That notion is, in fact, quite unsettling to me. It's why I don't believe in god. I don't want or need to believe in god; I believe in me.

So I'm taking a new approach. If there is a random chance involved, it's in meeting that Special Someone^TM, and not in maintaining that relationship once you do - that part requires those skills I've spent so many years honing. So if I have to toss the dice a bunch of times first to strike on that right one, then that's what I'll have to do. After over a decade of making friends and co-workers into lovers, I have, at 31, finally engaged in the "dating scene".

After only 5 days of sifting through online personals of local women, and chatting with a few, and meeting one, I've learned a surprising amount about men, women, and dating that had so long eluded me. This will be quite a journey. And while I hope it remains a very insightful one, I hope it doesn't take long either. I'm a passionate man who needs to express himself in loving and creative ways to someone wonderful who can reciprocate that energy. Left alone, that pent up passion only confuses me. It makes me have dreams like I had this morning.

I'll be joining the Writers Alliance and the Writers Guild. In fact, I may do that as soon as I finish writing this. I'll be posting poetry, selected (and editted) past writings, maybe some new short stories I'll start writing, and (if Geocites will allow it) some erotica on here. While I will begin to pursue another job in the IT industry, and continue to hope that my company rises from the ashes and rehires me, I'll also be exploring my options as a writer. It's a job I could really get into. For me self-employment could be a wonderful thing.

I've spoken to my friend Dave, and while I will check into the option of moving into my sister Susan's as well, in all likelihood I'll be moving into Dave's in about a month, if everything goes according to plan. I expect we'll have a fairly easy time living together, being we're both very independant-minded people who like our space and privacy, and who are honest enough about it.

So I've gone from 3 for 3 to 0 for 3. But there's only one direction to go from here and that's up.

If I believed in god, I might wish for a miracle.

I believe in me. I'll make one.

Actually, I'll make three.