"The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
[Roseanne Barr]

During the holidays, I found myself in a conversation with a few friends on the subject of "bunny-boilers". For those not familiar, it's a term many men use to refer to women whose relationship practices go beyond not just the sensible but the sane, and who can even cross-over into the truly frightening. The thing is, however, that there are many gradations of what constitutes crazy, and so we did eventually agree there should be some sort of standard, a gauge by which we could measure the depths of insanity of these female lunatics.

Before I even begin, it's important to understand that I'm not a misogynist. Quite to the contrary, I love and respect women very much. I'm not speaking of "all women" here, nor am I implying that these neurosis are confined only to women. There are, I'd guess, just as many or more crazy-men stories, but being a straight male, I'm simply less familiar (and less-interested, I suppose) with those. If anyone - male, female, gay or straight, would care to coin a term for the crazy men, and to categorize them for us, you're more than welcome.

That said, and without further ado, to all those men who've ever had the experience of dating a "bunny-boiler", this bud's for you:

Cuniculusconcoquology

What is a "bunny-boiler"?

bunny-boiler: noun. 1. a woman who, during the course of a relationship with a man, will engage in activites which go beyond reasonable societal standards of ethics, morality, and common sense, and possibly even the law, 2. a woman who demonstrates a personality similar to that of the character portrayed by Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".

Why is Cuniculusconcoquology necessary?

In order to safely react appropriately to the threat of "having your bunny boiled", it is important for men to be able to properly identify bunny-boilers, and to follow the correct procedure according to the degree of bunny-boiler encountered. To facilitate this, this document breaks down bunny-boilers in a rating system, complete with instructions on what to do, starting with the mildest cases and progressing to the most dangerous examples. The listed activites are not made up, but based on my personal experience or the testimony of close personal friends of mine. In reading the list, it is important to understand that each successive ranking is inclusive of the previous ones. (i.e. a 1st degree bunny-boiler can exhibit all these symptoms)

Third-Degree Bunny-Boiler: "The Straw Clutcher"

The third-degree bunny-boiler is one who:

• exaggerates details in order to manufacture a crisis, particularly ones involving life-changing consequences (e.g. describing injuries or illness as far worse than actual, or changing the details of an argument to make it sound much much worse than it was)
• exaggerates minor disputes into large-scale fights simply for the sake of fighting (i.e. heated conflict is a necessary component in her relationships)

• damaged 3rd party relationships, as a consequence of exaggerated conversational/event details
• a damaged reputation to you when (during or after the relationship), she exaggerates conversation/event details about you to others
• headaches, grief, and stress over unnecessary argument

• It is possible to conduct a relationship with a 3rd degree bunny-boiler, provided one exercises a great deal of caution. It is important to identify her as crazed to friends (e.g. by stating something like "I'll keep her to a simmer"), in order to ensure they know to take anything she says with a grain of salt and cross-check it with you, in order to minimize her impact. Keep your ears open and confer with friends, and at the first sign she's bordering on saying/doing something that could be serious, cut her loose. Always remember to stay calm at the first sign of argument, and be willing to have (and lose) heated debates over foolish subjects. It is acceptable to allow a friend to date a 3rd degree bunny-boiler, but if they appear unaware of her bunny-tendencies, they should be warned, alone or in the company of only men.

Second-Degree Bunny-Boiler: "The Pathological Liar"

The second-degree bunny-boiler is one who:

• describes (and not in a joking manner) inappropriate "what if" scenarios that would imply serious life changing consequences (e.g. "well maybe I'll just get pregnant and that'll fix things...")
• concocts far-fetched lies in order to manufacture a crisis, particularly ones involving life-changing consequences (e.g. claiming a close friend has an illness they don't have)
• concocts far-fetched lies or greatly exaggerates conversations/events specifically for the purpose of damaging or destroying your other relationships (e.g. makes up lies about a friend in order to encourage you to distance yourself from them (and spend more time with her))

• damaged 3rd party relationships, as a consequence of exaggerated or concocted conversational/event details
• a damaged reputation to you when (during or after the relationship), she invents false details about you to others
• trust issues for you in future relationships as you learn to break the habit of questioning or cross-checking everything your lover tells you
• headaches, grief, and stress
• difficulty debunking her lies and/or undoing the damage they cause

• It is very dangerous and not at all worthwhile to conduct a relationship with a 2nd degree bunny-boiler. It is acceptable to have a one-night stand with one. It is important to identify her as crazed to friends, and to work hard at avoiding the one-nighter into turning into something more. In the event a friend shows interest in a 2nd degree bunny-boiler, it is the responsibility of any friends aware of her status to pull him aside immediately and clearly warn him, prior to his commencement of a possible relationship. In the event that you discover a friend already in an existing relationship with a 2nd degree bunny-boiler, it is your responsibility to tell him directly (in private) of her status. (Note: special exception for The Percy Sledge Rule)

First-Degree Bunny-Boiler: "The Utter Fucking Lunatic"

The first-degree bunny-boiler is one who:

• lies about pregnancy, abortion, paternity, marriage, divorce, or the death or serious injury of loved ones (e.g. says she's pregnant with your baby when she's not pregnant)
• forges documents or manufactures evidence to support her outrageous mistruths
• threatens to cause bodily harm to you, your friends, or herself in the event of a breakup
• engages in criminal behaviour in retaliation to relationship troubles or breakups (e.g. slashes your tires)

• damaged 3rd party relationships, as a consequence of exaggerated or concocted conversational/event details
• a damaged reputation to you when (during or after the relationship), she invents false details about you to others
• serious trust issues for you in future relationships
• headaches, grief, and stress
• difficulty debunking her lies and/or undoing the damage they cause
• lost, stolen, or damaged property
• physical injury to yourself or others

• It is so dangerous to conduct a relationship with a 1st degree bunny-boiler, that any form of intimate contact, or contact that could be mistaken for intimate, must be avoided at all costs. It is NOT acceptable to have a one-night stand as even this may result in serious consequence. It is important to identify her as crazed to friends. In the event a man shows interest in a 1st degree bunny-boiler, it is the responsibility of any friends aware of her status to pull him aside immediately and clearly warn him, prior to his commencement of even a one-night stand. In the event that a man discovers his friend is already in an existing relationship with a 1st degree bunny-boiler, it is his responsibility to tell him directly (in private) of her status, and even The Percy Sledge Rule is NOT an exception. One of the best methods is to invoke the "Bunny in a Pot Conspiracy".

What is "The Bunny in a Pot Conspiracy"?

If a friend is in a relationship with a 1st degree bunny-boiler, and you need to tell them (and can't invoke The Percy Sledge Rule because she's 1st-degree), one simple and effective method to let your friend know, is to start a "Bunny in a Pot Conspiracy". First, you must discretely determine if any of his other friends agree that his girlfriend is a 1st-degree bunny-boiler. Then, once you've determined it's a commonly held belief, all of the conspirators throw in a few dollars to buy a small stuffed rabbit at a toy store. Once you have the rabbit comes the crucial element: you must secretly gain access to his home while he is away. Be it by somehow duping or stealing a key, or an actual break-and-enter, you must gain access to his home at a time when he won't be home, and won't know who exactly to suspect. Then, sneaking into his house, you put one of his pots on the stove, with the stuffed rabbit in it, and leave again (resecuring the premises, of course). Any man finding a pot on his stove with a stuffed rabbit in it knows some of his friends believe his girlfriend is a 1st-degree bunny-boiler, but doesn't know exactly who, or exactly which ones conspired to break into his house. Having received the "Bunny in a Pot", should he choose to continue his relationship, all his friends are absolved of any responsibility for the consequences.. He was warned in the clearest possible fashion.

Given that even the 3rd-degree bunny-boiler sounds scary, why have risk a relationship or even one-night stand with any of them?

Yin and Yang: by some strange coincidence (which can only be taken as an obvious sign of a malevolent god), the vast majority of bunny-boilers are notoriously good in bed. (More specifically, they fuck like wild animals.)