"Y'know I didn't mean
what I just said
But my God woke up on the wrong side of His bed
And it just don't matter now

Little by little we gave you everything you ever dreamed of
As little by little the wheels of your life have slowly fallen off
Little by little you have to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why are you really here?"
[Oasis, "Little by Little"]

I slept. A little. Perhaps 4 hours. I'm sitting idly waiting for Tracey to come steal me away for the day now, wishing I could put the events of last night out of my head, in order to get into a better frame of mind to enjoy my last day with her before she takes off to Austrailia.

I find myself suddenly struck by the irony of the fact that just last night I mentioned to Geoff the parable about the 2 monks and the woman at the river. It seems I'm still carrying her, and I need to just set her down. There are just a few more loose ends regarding last night that need clearing up. Perhaps once they're sorted I'll be more able to move forward.

"In the absence of light, darkness prevails." I heard that somewhere yesterday. And it's true, isn't it? In the past I've quoted a sign that used to be in a shop window in the neighbourhood where I grew up that said "Evil prevails where good people do nothing." Is it that simple? Is the real issue in this world the fact that without someone good there to extend an effort, that evil - effortlessly - just happens? That's how it felt last night. It felt to me like if I didn't do something, that something bad would happen. It probably still did. I guess I don't know and never will. Perhaps the wheels of her life are slowly falling off, but perhaps, as she put it to me last night, "If you're not dying, well then shit happens, right? It's just shit happens."

Tracey came. We went to lunch. We talked. I feel better. Perhaps I've centered, or perhaps I've just rationalized. Either way, the fact that it really wasn't my problem is slowly sinking in. The fact that in all likelihood she's perfectly fine today, if a little hung over, is slowly sinking in. The fact that I have to let it go and stop carrying her across the river is ever apparent, and with luck, soon it'll be behind me.

There are some people who'd have done the same in my situation. I count some friends amongst them. There are some who'd have done nothing. I count some friends amongst those too. I'm not sure what all that really means, just like I'm still not sure what it says about me if I decide that her being attractive or not was indeed relevant. I'd like to think it's not, but I'm still human, and I'm still a guy. I might think myself better than that guy, but I'm no saint, I'm not kidding myself about that.

Some of the bigger questions about myself remain, and will for some time. I'm not sure why I insist on questioning my motives so often and so adamantly, but I guess it's an important part of getting to know myself for who I really am.

In the meantime, I guess shit happens.