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Akogare (Longing)
A CCS fanfic by Sakura
Standard disclaimers apply.
Slightly modified version as of June 2002.

Tweaked slightly 2004.12.09.

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6:45 a.m. on the dot, and she was racing up the stairs again.        

If the old janitor saw her running like that, he'd drop everything --- pail, brush, mop, whatever --- grab her arm and yell at her for running up freshly mopped stairs.  It wasn't that he hated getting footprints all over his handiwork (well, that was one reason), but it was more of worry that she would end up breaking her slender little neck than anything else.  There was something in Daidouji Tomoyo that made people think she was as fragile as glass --- her slight frame, those large violet eyes framed with long lashes, her pale creamy skin, long curls of dark hair.  Now those locks flailed wildly in the air as she bounded up the stairs, uncharacteristically taking them two at a time, hugging her bag to her chest, pulling up her sweater over her shoulders, pausing a moment to pick up her fallen handkerchief and hastily stuff it into her pocket.  She ran down a corridor and screeched to a stop in front of a door.

On cue, the waltz began.

She pushed the door open.  This time the music didn't stop.  Eriol even gaily stepped up the tempo a bit, inviting her, teasing her.  She closed the door behind her and unceremoniously sank on the piano bench beside him.   

He finally looked up and smiled.  "Good morning, Daidouji-san."

"Go...good morning, Hiiragizawa-kun," she gasped, still trying to catch her breath.

His dark blue eyes drifted over her with amusement.  "Looks like you had a long run."

Suddenly embarrassed, she ran a hand through her slightly disheveled hair.  "I woke up later than usual."

His eyes gleamed.  "That means I win two mornings straight in a row." 

She made a face.  "Don't act so cocky; the week isn't even over yet." 

Eriol just smiled and turned back to the piano.  It was amazing how much Tomoyo had changed again, considering that she was now back to the Tomoyo she was before she fell into that stage of depression, months ago when she spent most of her time staring off into space and counting seconds.  Or at least that's what she looked like back then.  Now she smiled, she laughed, and Eriol thought that it was wonderful to see her so alive. 

Surprisingly, they had been friends ever since that afternoon at the ice cream parlor.  Although they had known each other for years, it was the first time that they actually got to know each other well.  When school was out for summer they spent the most of it sitting at the park or at the ice cream parlor, talking for hours.  They found out that there were things they liked in common --- like autumn leaves, tea, old hardbound novels, Saint-Seans, sad movies...  As cold rains fell and the leaves started to change color, they fell back into the old routine at school.  Every morning as Eriol's pale fingers glided over the piano, Tomoyo told him all about being a child in lace and ribbons, running through carpeted halls, having imaginary tea with stuffed animals.  Then Eriol told her about England, silence at the dinner table, poplars in the yard, the tears he shed for a pet cat who died. 

"Tears," she had echoed, "how strange."

"I am human, after all," he had faintly smiled, realizing the irony of his words.  For never did he think he was truly human, at least not until he said so at that moment.  All this time he had been regarding the world around him with his other self's eye, the Clow Read in him, the one who knew everything there was to know.  That knowledge took away the yearning to find out certain things for himself, like how it truly felt to break down and lose oneself in a certain emotion.  Like mirth, for example.  That's why it surprised him so much at that time when Tomoyo had looked up at him with tears of laughter in her eyes --- how carelessly, effortlessly those peals of laughter came from her lips!  He was drawn to the sight.  It moved him to know how alive she was.   

And now she was even more alive than ever, what with those shining violet eyes.  "By the way, this is to thank you for yesterday."        

He looked down.  It was a small box of cookies tied with string. 

Tomoyo smiled.  "I made them myself."

The other day her mother Sonomi had a peculiar request: bring a friend home for tea.  Tomoyo didn't know if that request was made out of guilt that they hadn't been spending much time together lately, but nevertheless she dutifully agreed to do so and asked Sakura if she was free that afternoon.  Sakura had regretfully declined because she had cheerleading practice that time, and a promise to her brother to pick up some groceries afterwards.  Then Tomoyo, running out of options, asked Eriol to come with her and he accepted, so that afternoon Sonomi was rather shocked to see Eriol smiling at the table instead of Sakura, whom she had been expecting.  But in the end it had been a wonderful tea party, with Sonomi warming up to Eriol with his friendly courteousness and Tomoyo smiling secretly from behind her tea cup, happy with her success.  What a nice young man, remarked Sonomi afterwards.  So smart and polite!                

Eriol took the box and thanked her profusely. 

Sonomi's words rang in her head and she laughed again, although she really didn't know why.

 

***

 

Once upon a time there was a boy who thought he was perfectly ordinary until the day he woke up and realized that he had two souls.  The soul who wasn't his, the one who didn't belong, the one who was wiser and infinitely powerful, unlocked to him the secrets of everything in the universe, like stars and rain and death and solitude.  Do you know why the leaves die in the fall? asked his teacher.  I do, he answered.  Do you know why there are some who don't hear songs in the wind? asked his friend.  I do, he answered.  And I know why we seek the sun, why we laugh, why we cry.  I know. 

He lived on believing what he knew to be true, so it surprised him to find a girl who was different --- she laughed when she was sad and cried when she was happy.  You are mistaken, he told her, but she shook her head and told him about tears that bore the taste of bliss and smiles that smelled of sorrow.  Didn't you know? she asked him, and he stared at her, for the first time hearing himself say no, teach me. 

Teach me.

 

***  

 

"Not again," Syaoran groaned good-naturedly as Sakura playfully but firmly steered him towards a small cafe.  "I thought you said you weren't hungry!"

"I got hungry when I saw the sign," she sheepishly said.  "Besides, it looks so much warmer inside."  She then turned to Eriol and Tomoyo standing behind them.  "Eriol-kun, Tomoyo-chan, let's go in, okay?"   

"That sounds nice," Eriol smiled.  He turned to Tomoyo, who was deep in the pages of an English novel she had borrowed from him.  After a conversation they had about libraries, she had been curious about the books in his collection, so he brought two, three volumes for her to look through.  She ended up borrowing the thickest one, oddly choosing to read it while they walked home, much to Sakura's amusement.  Tomoyo-chan! she teased.  We know you're a bookworm but you shouldn't read while walking, you know!

She raised her head at that, violet eyes soft.  It's okay, I know where I'm going. 

Then he saw her glance over at Syaoran briefly before turning back to the book, and he understood.  On the surface she was already used to seeing her best friend and the Chinese boy together, but inside she was still struggling with herself.  Give me time, her bent head over the book seemed to say.  I understand, I really do, but give me some time to adjust. 

Hoping to distract her from the two, he leaned over and whispered conspiratorially, don't worry, I'll be on the lookout for manholes. 

She met his gaze amusedly.  Is that what English gentlemen really say to the ladies they escort?

No, he impishly smiled back, but we do offer our strong manly arms for holding onto.  You know, in case you forget to look up and trip over a tree root or an uneven cobblestone---

She made a face at that, and they both laughed.  But he was right; along the way the pretense of reading wore off and she was soon deeply engrossed in the book, so much that he had to grab her arm at times to prevent her from running into things.  Or people.  Or both.  She didn't even appear to realize that they had already stopped in front of the cafe.

"Daidouji-san," he gently tapped her shoulder, "shall we go in?"

Tomoyo snapped her head up and blinked.

"Hey you two, come on!" Sakura waved, disappearing inside.

Tomoyo blinked again and looked at Eriol, as if asking for an explanation.

"While you were lost in Windsor," he began, "the rest of us were talking about the midterms and high school entrance exams and suddenly out of nowhere Sakura-san declared that we have tea.  Or coffee.  Whichever suits you."

"Coffee?" Tomoyo echoed, still slightly out of it.

There was a sudden impish gleam in his eyes.  "Yes, coffee.  By the way, did you know that in medieval Europe they used coffee for curing horses?  Apparently some varieties of coffee beans have---"

Before he could pull a Yamazaki, Tomoyo deftly took his arm and quickly led him inside the cafe.

     

***

 

Tomoyo's fingers, now free from their black gloves, gently enclosed themselves around a warm cup of coffee.  She smiled as Sakura told them about Kero-chan and how the latter had finished one whole apple pie the previous night, leaving only crumbs in the pan.  "And oniichan thought I finished it all!  'I always knew you were a kaijuu, Sakura', he said, 'but this is amazing'.  Can you believe that?!  I was so furious."  Then as if to drive home her point, she speared a piece of Syaoran's chocolate cake and popped it in her mouth as her audience, captivated by her performance, laughed appreciatively. 

She was even more beautiful than ever leaning forward in her chair like that, her face bathed in the warm glow of the lamp hanging above their heads.  When she spoke, her green eyes sparkled and tendrils of light brown hair brushed against her flushed cheeks.  Tomoyo felt the familiar warmth rush inside her at the vision.  She turned back to her coffee cup lest she lose herself in those green depths and mindlessly fall all over again.    

Beside her, Eriol leaned back in his seat and smiled.  "Cerberus hasn't changed a bit, I see."

"It's a wonder he still fits in that cabinet, that bottomless pit," muttered Syaoran, taking a shot at the small yellow lion-like creature while he still had the chance.  He was contemplating his coffee, Tomoyo noted, in a rather murderous fashion.  Snatches of a story flitted through her mind, something about Kero-chan sneaking in Sakura's bag on one of their dates and popping up in the popcorn in the movie house afterwards, but then Sakura spoke and she craned her neck to listen. 

"Ne, Eriol-kun, do you remember if Kero-chan ate as much back then?"

"Yes, he was always like that," Eriol's dark blue eyes were thoughtful as he recalled, "storming the pantry in the middle of the night and taking off with a whole basket of pastries.  The next morning he'd apologize and say that he was sleepwalking and didn't know what he was doing." 

Sakura laughed, and Syaoran shook his head again in disbelief.

But Tomoyo was watching him, the pale dark-haired boy who sat beside her and stared off at some point above their heads, the lamp casting a pale glow on his glasses, his dark blue eyes clouding over with some emotion as he delved further, deeper into the memories of his past life.  "And there was even a time," he continued softly, "when Yue actually set foot in the kitchen and baked a cake.  It was the last thing I thought he'd do, and I was definitely shocked."

Then Tomoyo saw it all --- Yue's long fingers enclosed around a wooden spoon, the small smudge of batter on his cheek, the warmth of the oven, a wide-eyed Clow standing outside the door, transfixed by the sight.  I didn't tell him I was there, Eriol continued, and his eyes were distant and she found herself standing outside the door beside him, watching Yue prepare the icing as he waited for the perfectly round sponge cake to pop out of the oven then Cerberus suddenly came and she tried to grab him by his golden tail and hold him back, don't go in there! but he romped into the kitchen and laughed boisterously at the sight of Yue, tall and beautiful, holding a spoon---

"Then what happened?"

Eriol smiled.  "They fought, Yue was distracted, so the cake was burnt.  I made Cerberus eat the whole thing for dinner that night."

They laughed.

Something flickered in Eriol's dark blue eyes for a moment.  Tomoyo saw it and knew what it was --- Yue, silver head bent, humbly offering a sliver of frosted burnt cake on a small plate.  The soft, broken whisper.  This may not be much, but this is my present.  Happy birthday, Clow.  He looked up then, silver strands falling over pale eyes the color of the moon, and he was waiting---

Tomoyo felt her chest tighten for Yue and his unspoken love, turned away and took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee.

"But however foolish Cerberus may be at times," the voice was now familiarly Eriol's, "he still takes very good care of you and I'm proud of him for doing so."

Sakura murmured her assent, and somebody changed the topic.

***

     

"I'm sorry if I talked too much back there," Eriol apologized.

He was referring to the café, where Tomoyo had wordlessly sat throughout the whole conversation until somebody looked at the clock and said it was time to go. 

She shook her head, smiling, and clasped her gloved hands behind her back as they walked home.  She really didn't mind.  The book that had entranced her so much a while ago was now tucked in her bag, forgotten.

"I wonder if I will continue to remember," he mused, "or if these memories will ever slip away."

"Do you want to forget?" she asked, remembering the large, seemingly empty house he had shared with two winged creatures, the magical cards that came to life with the slightest touch...

He shook his head.  "The past was wonderful.  We were all content, we all shared so much---"

The leaves rustled in the wind, falling under the path of their shoes, crackling under their steps.

"---But that was then, after all.  If I keep holding on to the past, I might not have any more room for the other things I want to keep in my mind for the rest of my life."

"Other things?"  She couldn't help herself.  "Such as?"  

"Such as---" His dark blue eyes hovered on her face for a moment, then strayed to her hair.  He moved closer and absently reached out to pluck a few leaves that had entangled themselves in her dark tresses.  "Such as...well, I don't really know yet."

While his fingers brushed against her hair, she shut her eyes tightly against his warmth and didn't dare move.     

     

 [ end chapter 03 ]