| Great Quotes |
| Men are like fish. Neither would get into trouble if they only kept their mouths shut I choose to live forever, or die trying to Females do pursue me, if you count mosquitos Friends help friends move... REAL friends help friends move bodies If you're arguing with an idiot make sure he isn't doing the same thing Girls are like parking lots, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. "My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex" Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys Eat healthy, exercise more, still die. "Life is like a toilet it's always full of assholes" Failure: when your best just isn't good enough. Girls have bigger asses than guys, because all girls are full of shit. Always expect the worst in life. That way you'll never be disappointed The moon may kiss the stars so high The sun may kiss the bright blue sky The dew may kiss the morning grass But you my friend, can kiss my ass Inscription on a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them All extremists should be taken out and shot If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. The greatest lies of all time: I love you This won't hurt a bit The check is in the mail I was just going to call you I swear I won't come in your mouth Of course I'll respect you in the morning We have a really challenging assignment for you I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat shit. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. Schizophrenia beats being alone I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too... The more things change, the more they suck. "Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink" "I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!" "Support wild life - vote for an orgy!" When you die you go to heaven. Until then welcome to hell! If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: "I FUCKED your mother!!!" neatly printed in small calm blue letters: "Go home dad, you're drunk." Save a tree... Eat a beaver! When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved. Why limit yourself, I told them. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy "I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea." Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some people abuse the privilege Life sucks then you marry a bitch who doesn't. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. Mean people suck, Nice people swallow, Stupid people choke, And wierd people gargle What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it? Sex is one of the most beatiful, natural and wholesome things money can buy. Life is like a boner: long and hard. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Mom + Dad + beer - condom = me. Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak? Roses are red, the sun is gold. Get on your knees, and do as you're told. Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh. A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! Smile, Satan hates you. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. I was born -- wait, it gets worse. Well, look who's here! It's God's gift to crack whores! If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 percent end in death. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. "It is better to be pissed off than pissed on." A man being admitted into a mental institution: "They called me mad. I called them mad. And damn them they outvoted me." If you love someone set them free! If they don't come back hunt them down and kill them. It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle. Rehab is for quitters. The reason attempted suicide is illegal: The government can't tax you if you're dead. If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would have farted. Sex is like a bridge game, if you don't have a good partner you had better have a good hand. Top 5 things never to say to a cop: Want a doughnut? Hold my beer will you? Don't look in the trunk please. Are you just pulling me over cause I am drunk? Can I play with your gun? Psychology is the study of everyone's bullshit. Always borrow money from pessimists, they never will expect it back They say making love with me is like a roller coaster ride. Over far too quickly, and afterwards they wanna throw up. Sex is like air, it isn't important unless you aren't getting any. Jesus loves you (but everyone else thinks you're an asshole) The game of life has three rules: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't get out of the game. Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells. |