| Nags's Life Right Now |
| September 4, 2005 So yea I made this whole second part just so the update wouldn�t be dominated with Elyse talk and you skip over the good summer stuff. But this is all about my summer times with Elyse. It was a good time in my life that ended horribly. In order to remember everything (as far as dates go and whatnot) I had to read my LJ postings. Those were so hard to read, harder than having to write this. But hopefully by opening this wound up one more time it will lead to it closing, or at least just leaving a scar, in the near future. Elyse Part I (a.k.a. what you have been waiting to read) Ok well what I did that night at Josh�s party was drunk dial an old co-worker. The only reason I did was I thought she had a crush on Eric and Eric was right next to me so being the good friend I am I had to embarrass him. It was almost 2AM but I figured she�d be up. I guess I figured wrong. But anywayz I woke her up and talked with her for about a half an hour. She vaguely remembered it the next day and thought it was a dream till I texted her later in the day. You could call that day 1. We would talk, text, hang out or IM everyday for a combined 52 days in a row. And in case you can�t figure it out by the complicated title for this section, her name is Elyse. Ok so here�s the before re-meeting history of Elyse and me. I met her last July 3rd (day of Warped, that�s why I remember) when I picked up her and her friend Courtney, a.k.a. girl who started drama cuz of this site about 19 months ago.) Elyse�s boyfriend had left them both at the fair and I was called to pick them up after their first few calls didn�t work out. A few days later she started working @ Circuit City. Honestly out of all the girls there I always thought she was the best just cuz she was good looking and wasn�t a slut and had a good personality. But I wasn�t @ Circuit for too long after she got hired and then I was on my way to Best Buy. Recently I was seeing her a lot more because she was hanging out with Eric and I hung out with Eric. Rumor was that they shared mutual affections. So I decided not to try and get to know her more because Eric�s my friend and I�m not shady like that. Well turns out that she didn�t like him, that there was some miscommunications and they were just friends. I found that out on my drunken call and I also found out that she was still with her boyfriend which was news to me cuz I thought they broke up a long time ago. We ended up texting a lot and I told her that I thought she was beautiful and had a good personality and after convincing her that I wasn�t just �spitting game� she said that we should hang out some time. So the next night I was bored and we decided we were going to go for a drive. Now I was of course hesitant because she had a boyfriend and I don�t like hanging out with girls that have boyfriends (unless I�ve known that girl forever or I know the guy). I also feared that it might be some trick her & Courtney were playing cuz Courtney hates me. Needless to say I was wrong. I picked her up @ 11:38 and I didn�t drop her off till like 3:18. We drove over 100 miles, talked about a lot (I talked mostly), and we learned a lot about each other. About halfway into the drive we started holding hands and towards the end of it she said that she thought she was probably going to be breaking up with her bf (cuz he was leaving the next Monday for the Army) and she said she would date me if they did break up. I didn�t even ask she just said it. So needless to say by the time I dropped her off I was jocking her. I rationalized it by saying they were going to be breaking up probably so it�s all good, things will probably work out. Yea�.things worked alright but not so much worked out. We hung out a few times over the next couple weeks and even cuddled a bunch. And god knows I love cuddling but it turns out that she loves cuddling just as much. So needless to say we cuddled a lot. The only problem we actually encountered was Courtney thinking that I was stalking her and that Elyse would never like me and blah blah blah. We were keeping everything on the down low with her friends and I was keeping things pretty quiet on my end as well so we didn�t let Courtney know just how wrong she was. Part 2 � June So we were hanging out on a regular basis. Generally us hanging out would involve us doing not so much, usually going to get some food and watching TV but it always involved us cuddling. She loved to cuddle and well, I�m a bit of a cuddle fiend as well. We also saw quite a bit of movies as well. In fact everything was going great as we were hanging out twice a week or so and talking on the phone and texting every night. It would be Courtney that provided our first speed bump, and it wasn�t even her being malicious. Basically one night me and Elyse were hanging out, sitting by a firepit when Courtney called (she always called her when we were cuddling, it never failed.) So it was an emergency (Courtney has a lot of those) and even though she just got there I told her I would take her to Courtney�s. So I do and leave but then she tells me to wait cuz it�s not going to be long. So I end up falling asleep around the corner. About an hour later she comes in the car and I drive her home. She then texts me saying that I was awesome but that we needed to talk next soon. Well shit. That�s never a good sign. Luckily we didn�t schedule our talk till Monday�the day Hallie got back from Germany, So we weren�t planning on hanging out long. Around 2:30 or so I picked her up (she has her license but no car so yea, I always drove). We ended up talking and she told me what I basically knew, that she wasn�t breaking up with him right now and she didn�t think it was fair to go on like we were. So after some little tears we decided to just have this be our last day. Ok I decided actually. I told her that I wasn�t going to keep her around as �just friends� because I didn�t want to do that again. She wasn�t thrilled about that aspect but I was not going to do it again. So we ended up hanging out for about 14 hours. She was with me as we went and got my car from the dealership, had a BBQ with a bunch of friends, hung out @ Mark�s and played Cranium and then it was time to drop her off. As I detailed in a LJ, it was hard. We both hated what we were doing but it was what we thought had to happen. So it took us about an hour to finally say goodbye and I thought I was going to throw up after I did. So that was Tuesday morning at about 4:40AM (no I don�t have it memorized, it�s on my LJ). I didn�t think I would talk to her for a long while. So of course she texts Eric on the Wednesday wanting him to her me call her. I told him to tell her to call me. Poor Eric being the middleman, but I really appreciate it, it made things a little easier. So she calls me and keeps the string of days going. Also she says she misses me and that it sucks to be apart and she wants to hang out again. It took her a little while to realize that we weren�t going to be hanging out anymore. So we decided to go over things again the next day. We do and basically the situation is the same. She says she�ll think about it but I�m pretty sure she�s not going to end the relationship she had. It wasn�t on my mind at the time, I don�t know what was but during that evening it finally happened. We were just cuddling and we ended up kissing on the lips finally. And it wasn�t like I pecked her and nothing was given back. She was like �OMG� because she had never cheated on a guy before and she wasn�t expecting to right then. I don�t know if subconsciously I was thinking that I had to kiss her to give myself a chance but that�s what I did. So I dropped her off after IHOP and a few kisses later and I had to then sit and wait for her decision. A bit of irony though. Our first kiss was on June 23rd. That�s a year to the day that I first met Renata. Just a bit of irony. The next day at work she calls me and she made her decision. Yea it wasn�t for me. I just said ok and like hung up. I of course went and drove with Hallie like I had in previous days because it�s FUCKING HALLIE and that�s what we do. That night I was just not able to distract myself from the pain so I decided to do a smart thing. That was to sit in my room (with my parents home) and get drunk off of Vodka. I finished off almost half of the bottle and then walked (with her permission) to Renata�s house. We talked for a little bit then I threw up in her toilet. I was so drunk that I was actually texting my friends with updates about me being drunk and throwing up. She then took me to Joey�s house where I stayed for a little bit then got tired of it and walked home. I�m not proud of that night but sometimes we do stupid things. Also that night after I passed out at home Elyse texted and called me saying that I was �fucking amazing and that (she) hopes someday things can be different.� She also said she would never regret the time we spent together. So yea that extended the days of communication even more cuz I texted her back as well. It actually killed the entire reason I drank, which was to feel no pain. Because that night I didn�t. When I woke up and read that I did again. So I was ready for life without Elyse but apparently life wasn�t ready for me to be without Elyse. She had left a CD over here that I had bought for her previously and the plan was for Eric to give it back to her. Well that plan got changed when one of Elyse�s acquaintances IM�d me and we got to talking. He got my stubborn side going saying that I shouldn�t give up that easily and that she will break up with him and all of that jazz. So then my stubborn side (which is VERY stubborn) gets going and says �Fuck yea, what am I doing.� So I make a great plan. I get on a different AIM name, text her through AIM and pretend I�m Eric and say that I�m going to be at her house in like 15 to drop off the CD. She says ok. I then called Eric and told him to be ready to call her because I was going over there and not to worry about it. So I got outside her house, had Eric call her and she goes out of the car (she was waiting in her parents� van) and looks for Eric then sees me and has this shocked look of happiness on her face. And she then smiled and walked up to me and gave me a big hug (I still smile thinking about it, even now). So we talked for a while and realized that neither of us was giving up on each other and that we were going to push back any decision for a little while. We then proceeded to hang out the next day for like 15 hours. And then the next two days as well for a bunch of time each day. So the June drama was good and bad. It was good because it helped her recognize just how important I was to her and that she actually really liked me. It also helped us both realize how much we should value each other and the time we spent together. It was bad because it implanted in the back of our minds that this was something that may not last because there was a decision that had to be made that we didn�t want to deal with. It was also bad because with me finding out how much she actually liked me made it harder to say goodbye later. I still find it funny that it was Courtney who set off all the drama and it was actually by accident. Part 3 � July July was a good month. There was no Courtney interference because they had gotten into a fight the same night I got drunk by myself, probably in part because of Elyse being not in the best of moods. And until the later part of the month we were just having fun with little worries. In fact the month would see her almost become Elyse Nagy�.read on. One of the first things that we did in July was spend our one year meeting anniversary or whatever you want to call it together. That was July 3rd. The only reason I remembered the day is I met her the day of Warped Tour �04. So yea I picked her up with flowers and brought her to Capitola. We just brought some drinks, a couple blankets and whatnot and cuddled on the beach. It was good times. But while we were lying there we were bullshitting around and of course sex came up. She said something about marriage and I was like fuck it, lets go get married. So we were ready to leave so we start walking back to the car and she turns to me and is like �Fuck you, you would not get married.� So she called me out and I was like fine, I swear on our friendship I�ll get married to you. So she was kinda freaking because I was calling her out then and saying that she wouldn�t do it. And we�re both very stubborn and had this thing where we always tried to call each others bluffs. So we call Eric and he says he�ll be a witness so she was like damn�I have no excuses. It took her about 30 minutes during the drive home to swear on our friendship that she would too. I was like �oh shit.� Cuz I mean it�s not that I didn�t like her a lot, it was that I didn�t think driving 5 hours to Reno would be a smart idea since odds are it would probably have crippled our friendship due to the awkwardness. So like I decided once we got back to Dublin that it wasn�t a good decision and that I would be the one of us that says no. Also she told me that she would have to tell Marshall (he b/f) that she got married. I was like BAD IDEA! Of course she gave me a little shit for canceling but it was no big deal. She was relieved too. She didn�t want to but is stubborn like me. So we just went home and watched a movie and cuddled. Yea it sounds stupid but it was just one of those things. The next big thing we did was camping. She had just gotten a job @ Best Buy Union City and therefore was only going to be able to go the first night because she didn�t tell them she needed it off. Well the first night it was just Eric, her and me there. WE all got drunk. Of course Elyse and I slept together because we were that comfortable with each other. And let me tell you something, that�s a dream. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can grab a girl and just cuddle closer to her, that�s a dream. Go to sleepshe�s there and wake up and she�s still there. The next couple nights she didn�t drink because she was uncomfortable drinking around my friends cuz she gets really talkative when drunk and was insecure about it since she wasn�t really friends with most of my friends. And I was drinking those nights and I was giving her shit like always but she was being like a hermit and wasn�t giving me shit back as always so it looked like I was just a total asshole to her. Like everyone thought I was just an asshole but in reality it�s what we always did but she just wasn�t giving it back to me that night�made me look like jackass. And the last night it was just the original three again. Yea I had somehow convinced her to stay all 4 nights. Although we did go back into Dublin EVERYDAY so she could shower and whatnot. But I got her to call in to work and spend all the time with me. Now originally we were going to make camping our cut off for a decision and we were both having problems with that. She didn�t want to not spend time with me. And everyone knows I didn�t want to let her go. But some things happened between us camping that I�m not going to tell anybody about because I haven�t told anybody about. Some things I keep private out of respect. No they weren�t bad things nor things that hurt our relationship at all but yea. And it was a consolation to me that nothing that happened that weekend didn�t happen again, so it was more than just a one time drunk thing. Anywayz we decided to keep talking till she told her boyfriend and would see what was going to happen. But her being at camping was the best thing. Every night spent with her, a lot of cuddling, a nice day out on a boat and oh so much more. That was the best weekend I�ve had in like, well probably ever. So after those four days together you think we�d be sick of each other�we weren�t. I forgot the number of days but we spent like 7 or 8 days together in a row. We even had a day where she came over and helped me make dinner for my parents�we made breakfast for them for dinner. And then I went to indoor and she stayed home and I came back and we cuddled for a while. Those were the days that I was most confident in our future. Of course that was the last time we hung out before things changed yet again. One day she called me and was like, �I just got off the phone with Marshall and we�re staying together so we shouldn�t see each other anymore.� So that was time #3 we stopped talking. This time is actually ended our streak of days in a row @ 52. I actually let it run out before making contact with her again and we talked a while figuring things out. The plan was to not hang out so much anymore. Only like once a week or so. So she came to my indoor championship after I pleaded with her. And we cuddled after (don�t worry I took a shower). And then we made plans and went to Great America because I had two free passes and I hadn�t been in like 5 or more years. It was a great day spent together. I was like, god I can�t wait till we�re together because I still believed in my heart that we would be together. Part 4 � The End So after Great America I thought pretty much that it was really just a matter of time before everything would fall into place. I was assured by someone who knew her that she was going to be breaking up with her boyfriend, but was waiting for the right time. Hence the reason that us only hanging out once a week or so wasn�t really that hard for me. I felt it as something that needed to happen in order to get what I wanted in the long run. I couldn�t have been more wrong. Two days later I stopped by her house when I was on the phone with her cuz I was bored and, well I was bored. She was acting kinda strange and she was like maybe we won�t even be hanging out once a week and really I was just getting a negative vibe. I didn�t even hug her when she was going back in the house. A few days later she says we can�t hang out like we used to and that meant no cuddling or holding hands which really meant that we weren�t going to hang out again because really almost everything we did involved holding hands and/or cuddling. She said it was because she was staying with Marshall (her bf). It turned out to be something different. So while my parents were gone Eric gets a call from Elyse and then comes to me after and says that if there was ever a time for me now would be it. I was like well what does that mean. He couldn�t elaborate cuz he gave his word. A few hours later he talked to her again. I asked what was up and he said it had to be said in private. So I get up and he basically just punches me in the balls. He said that she broke up with her boyfriend but she�s now dating someone else. Holy shit. Honestly I can�t put into words just how pissed I got. Pissed because I felt lied to, pissed because I was disappointed and pissed cuz I was disrespected. So logically I threw the nearest thing near me (a Jack in the Box bag) against the wall and then also my wallet against the wall. Then I went outside and threw down a couple of garbage cans. Eric tried to calm me down but really it was to no avail. Then of course Elyse ends up calling me. And she�s drunk. And we have words. And she hurts me most when I said something about her �almost loving me� and she goes �well I was drunk.� And really I was pissed the whole night. I didn�t end up sleeping till 6AM and I woke up and right away I got pissed again and couldn�t fall back asleep so I wrote her a MySpace message. Well she ended up calling me that night and apologized for the comments she made while drunk. She also explained the situation. Basically the day she broke up with her bf, Dan (who I used to work with and have no problem with) asked her out. I asked her like what I did wrong and she of course said nothing but that her and Dan just had very similar interests and blah blah blah. So I guess we didn�t have enough in common or anything to talk about for those 52 days but gibberish. She also said that she didn�t feel obligated to tell me any of her personal life which is why she kept me in the dark about it all. Yea wow I guess I wasn�t involved with her at all so I really had no right to know about anything that may impact my life. I just felt/feel disrespected by the fact that she couldn�t tell me straight up that she wasn�t going to date Marshall anymore but she wasn�t going to be dating me. Although it would have hurt a lot, it couldn�t have been worse than this and we would still have our good memories fully intact. So I went from really pissed off to really depressed with that call. Closing Thoughts In the end I really don�t know what went wrong. As far as I knew we were both crazy for each other I guess I was wrong. But looking back on it all I don�t regret those two months, I really don�t. I had fun. I did a lot of things I never expected to do, and had so much fun that really, o well. Without her who knows if my summer would have been half as fun as it was. Hell I may not even have kissed a girl or cuddled or anything. But now I�ve done it with someone who genuinely cared about me. So I really can�t regret or hate anything from May 29th-July 28th (drunk call to Great America). I mean I am hurt about the ending, there�s no doubt about it. But really I guess that�s how my life goes. I get the good stuff but in the end it�s really just me taking 5 steps up to fall 6 steps down. I have no hatred in my heart for Dan as he is a really good guy and I know he�ll treat her well. But of course there is the side of me that will always hopes that she someday gets her heart stomped on like she did to me. I guess if I had to venture a guess on what ruined us more than anything I would say her best friend did. And not Courntey. See her friend Rebecca isn't a pleasant person a lot of the time although before recently she had never bothered me at all and I thought I was nice to her back when I worked @ CC. Well I believe Elyse has a desire to fit in (due to maybe not feeling accepted other time in her life...I'm not getting into it cuz it gets too personal) and also is a girl of peer pressure. And for some reason I didn't fit Rebecca's idea of a boyfriend for Elyse. And it just came natural for Elyse to date Dan because Rebecca is dating Dan's good friend so things were just convinent. The main reason Elyse was so mean to me on the phone while drunk was because Rebecca was encourageing her to be. So I think Elyse just took the path of least resistance and since she hates confrontation she just chose to phase me out of her life without telling me and was hoping I would get the point. I'm not making excuses for her nor am I saying that Rebecca was the only reason we stopped being what we were. That would be cold on two ends if it was because then Dan is dating someone who liked someone else better which is fucked up and it'd be fucked up that someone couldn't make their own decisions. I just believe that it was a major factor when it came down to decision time. It�s gotten harder as days go by. And to be honest there�s not a day that goes by where I don�t think of her. And this part was particularly hard to write (as I detail in my rant) but I had to do it. The hardest part about it wasn�t reliving all the bad stuff; it was reliving all the good stuff. I mean there are things I forgot about. And there are things I didn�t know that I missed that I realize I really do miss. I miss the little things like being called a dork, calling each other�s bluffs and of course cuddling. In fact I got so used to cuddling that for a while I would just cuddle with her pillow that she had at my house at night. Then after we had our falling out I put it out of sight and now I find myself cuddling with a pillow or blanket almost every night. She brought so much stability to my life and really I mean, that�s all I�ve ever wanted. A great girl to make me happy and be there for me was all I�ve ever wanted and that�s what I had. I know it sounds like it wasn�t stable but it really was. Every day would always end with us on the phone for hours. It felt good. The thing I will miss the most is sleeping with her. Cuz when I would wake up (either from us napping, falling asleep during a movie or sleeping together like we did camping) and I had her there, I could ask for nothing more. She was an amazing girl to me for a long time. She made me feel so comfortable with myself. I mean I felt just like all my flaws didn�t really matter because she either didn�t see them as flaws or didn�t care. Hell she even saw me with my shirt off. I had such a high confidence level back then. And it�s funny, we�d always text or call each other most of the time during 2 times of the day (yes 1:43...shut up I know I"m corny). But back then I was waiting for that time and I would miss it sometimes (which usually got me shit from her even if it was 1:44) but now that I don�t want to see the clock at that time, I always end up seeing it. I mean there were bad parts about the relationship or whatever you want to call it. The hardest part of it all was having to hide it from so many people. There were people I liked like Scott and I couldn�t tell him when he asked me, I had to beat around the bush. A good example of that is when I bought "Batman Begins" midnight tickets we almost couldn't go because Scott and other people she knew were there and she didn't want them to see us. But luckily I used my smarts and got in a different theater (there were two playing @ midnight).And when we saw Wedding Crashers with 3 of her friends we couldn�t cuddle and had to hide holding hands. It was so awkward. It was also hard feeling so strong about someone and having that person reciprocate those feelings but not being able to act on it. I loved her person and I know she loved mine. That�s what she said at least. Were we in love? I don�t know. We were close to it, that much we admitted to each other. And towards the end I'm not going to lie, I may have fallen but that's life. There are just so many unanswered questions I have. Why did things go so south so quick? Why did her friends hate me without even knowing me? Why did she have to listen to her friends over her feelings? Would we have been together if her friends hadn�t been against me? Does she think of me? Does she miss me? Does she regret it? Those questions will bother me for a while. But I really can�t ask her because if I talk to her I know she�ll just bring up more questions in my mind. And I know what some of you are thinking: would you take her back? I can�t say either way. I wouldn�t just be like �hi welcome back, let�s date.� I don�t know if I could date her and have enough pride to consider myself a man. I mean I know too much pride can kill a man but a man with too little pride is not a man. Things would have to change between us and time would have to pass. So at his point I�m 99.67% sure that we�ll never be together. I also have that same percentage for just about every other girl I�ve ever liked so yea, that�s not saying much. So in the end there�s really not much I can do. I know I treated her as well as I know how and I know for a while I had her tricked into liking me. And for a while there things were great and I was the happiest I�ve ever consistently been. And right now this hurts me a lot. But like I said if that is what I had to go through in order to have had the summer I had then I�ll deal with it. I wish things had ended different but you know, I can�t control that. If that makes things easier or harder I�m not sure but o well. For the time being I�ll miss her and wait until the day that I don�t. But don�t worry, I�ll live like I did after Renata and Nicole and the others. I just can�t say how long it�ll take to start living happy again. Until Further Notice, Adam My Reply |