| Nags's Life Right Now |
| August 10, 2003 What�s happening? I�m back, back again, Nagy�s back, tell a friend. Been about 5 months but its time once again for another site update. Going to try and keep it short but since I got 5 months to cover, it might run a little long. Wish I could �run� a little longer�if you know what I mean. ;-( When I left you in March nothing big was happening. I had just gotten my new job at Circuit City, which I still hold. It�s better than Toys R Us in the sense that I�m getting consistent hours, more money and I�m never having to stay 2-3 hours past when I�m scheduled. It�s harder because I have to remember so much more and there is a lot of pressure on me to sell those damn extended warranties and I have a lot of bosses that get on my ass. But hell for $10.50 an hour, I�ll live. But I really need the money now�. My Camaro was a piece. Everyone who has ridden in it knows it was a piece. Going 80 meant that my car would shake violently. It finally got to the point where my dad said he wasn�t putting anymore money into the car and that it was either I get a new car or go without a car when it died (which could have been anytime). So, stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place, I went out and, with my dad�s help co-signing, got a new 2003 Monte Carlo SS. It�s 0% financing for 5 years so it�ll be paid off around the time college is ending for me. Only problem is the payments are $427.25 a month so I�m living a bit lean these days. Only 58 more payments to go. In some ways I think it�s worth it because it�s a nice car that should last me 10 years and I don�t� have to worry about it breaking down. Problem is I have no money anymore to do anything and once a month for about a week or so my wallet is empty and my bank account is right there with it. I couldn�t� have gotten a cheaper car that I really wanted because I needed the 0% financing and it was only on 2003 Chevys & Chrystlers so not much to choose from. I had been wanted the Monte Carlo since I first looked at cars in February. Nobody had the one I wanted as far as with the ground effects and everything but that�s only about $1000 dollars to add on to it so I�ll probably do that in the future along with Rims (probably 19�). Hey I only had two breakdowns in five months�I�m getting better. I�ll touch on the second one later but the first one I�ll address now. Ok by now you all know how I am and how little things can just throw me into a shitty mood and sometimes into a breakdown. Well this was the case here. Basically I was getting really pissy about something and down about it and then it just magnified everything else. So things I usually ignore like my managers I couldn�t ignore anymore. I would be doing something and stop for one second and during that second my one manager (who thankfully transferred out) would start getting on me and riding my ass like I was a 16-year-old girl. And of course I was feeling lonely as hell, wondering why I�m not good enough for anyone. Everything was just weighing on me. We were bowling that night and I just had enough of it and I went and sat outside for about 20 minutes alone and when Grant tried talking to me I couldn�t talk. It was all shitty. You�re probably wondering what I was really pissed about that magnified everything else. Well here�s a hint�the first day of that bad week fell on the same day as Dublin High�s prom. Did that clear things up a little? I had realized that, for some godforsaken reason, I still had those fucking feelings for that one girl�.I think her name�s Nicole. What had been setting this all off was that I asked her to prom. I was only half joking, but that means I was half serious as well and if you know me, half serious is an accomplishment for me. Well she told her mom and her mom�s reply was �You think I would let you out of the house?� That just hurt because after 9 months I wasn�t any farther along with her parents than when I started. I actually starting looking into getting a psychological evaluation because that was her mom�s demands last August. Of course being the lazy sumabitch I am, I forgot about looking. And I was just worried about her at prom, hoping she would have a good time and all that shit. Like three days later I had my first phone conversation with her in about three months and we talked shit out but I was still in a pissy mood all week. Hell I even went off on this one girl who I actually considered kinda a friend before that. Well after that night she was no longer friends with me or any of my friends because she just messed with me on the wrong day so I tol dher that all of my friends actually hated her and were just pretending to like her. So yeah I was so very pissy until I went up to Chico watch my sister graduate from college. I came home with my grandpa on Sunday, before the rest of my family and to say that my mood would suddenly do a 180 is an understatement. Ok let me set the background for you. My group of about six friends (Joey, Grant, Adam, Josh, Rob & Daryll) that always hang out together are always bored. We do nothing but gamble and bowl because there is NOTHING else. Well when we got bored we put our pictures on those picture-rating sites like hotornot.com & rateusa.com. Well not wanting to be left out, I put my picture on there (I�m averaging around a 6/10�.so blow me). Well on RateUsa I wasn�t getting many people to view my profile because being in the middle of the pack doesn�t get you a lot of hits. So when I got bored I would go to hella girls� profiles and would say �Are you from Tennessee because you�re the only ten I see!� Yes it was corny and pathetic but I was bored and it fit the pretense that you had to vote 1-10. Anywayz I was doing a search and doing it to anyone decent looking who lived in San Ramon, Danville, Pleasanton, Dublin, Livermore and for some reason I did Tracy as well. Well I got some comments back but I got this one from this good looking girl in Tracy telling me to IM her sometime, which of course I did. She didn�t respond when I first did so I called her a bitch in my head and left it alone. Surprisingly she messaged me back a few days later and we talked for about an hour and then we talked a little bit over the following month but never on the phone for some odd reason. She makes my day when I was feeling really shitty that week by suggesting we take a shower together�.little things can pick me up just like they can bring me down. Anywayz I get back from Chico�.she�s online and we start talking. I bitch how I have nothing to do, and she bitches how she has nothing to do and no money and no gas. Well I�m thinking about suggesting that I go out there and we meet up and whatever. Of course having no balls eliminates me saying that. Doesn�t matter because she does it for me. So after like 5 minutes of back and forth talking I get the address, tell Grant where I�m going �just in case� and I�m on my way. She didn�t expect me to show and I wasn�t expecting much. We were both very wrong. So I make it there and don�t know what the hell to expect. She honestly didn�t think that I would show up. That was her first lesson I had to teach her about me. When I am told I�m not going to do it or that I won�t do it (like she told me that I wouldn�t show) I�m going to do it most of the time. Like up @ Cache Creek last year I played two $50 hands of blackjack because Joey said I wouldn�t. I won them both. Anyways I got there around 8:30. I got home around 1AM. No nothing happened between us except a whole lot of talking. I mean I was talking with her like I had known her forever. At times I had her laughing so hard she was holding her ribs. We convinced her one possessive guy friend that I was gay so he would stop bugging her to have me leave because it was 10:30. She also said that I wasn�t ugly. To tell you the truth I thought she was like a 7 based on her online pictures. I got there and dammit�she had turned into at least a 9. I got a hug on my way out and that would start the week that was probably the best I�ve had in a long while�even though nothing really special happened after that day. Let me give you a breakdown on how my week went with her. Sunday I met her, Monday we talked for almost and hour on the phone, Tuesday she stopped by my work, Wednesday we talked a bunch and switched some classes around so we�re taking 3 together during the fall, Thursday I visited her at work and Friday we talked some more. Needless to say I was kinda falling for her hard, even though I still had problems remembering how to pronounce her name: Dubravka (Do-Broff-ka). I mean I knew I liked her and I thought she liked me, as did just about all my friends. The thing was that she was going to be going to Cancun for a senior trip in about three weeks and I really didn�t know her. I did know about Cancun though. I was talking to this guy Ray at my work and he was telling me all these stories about Cancun when he went and I asked another guy if he would trust her. He said: �I would trust that she would have fun.� Not reassuring. But all in all it was a great week. She was always on my mind and I was always in a good mood. People at work noticed that I was being happy all the time. I was not down a bit. I went back to Toys R Us to talk to an old co-worker and he was like �You look really healthy.� I was like I feel healthy. But you know me, what goes up must come down hard. That Saturday her and I were thinking about going out and doing something but she wasn�t sure if she would be allowed to. Well I got home from work and went online and she was online too. She was like yeah I was just about to call you, I can�t go out tonight. So we started talking and I mentioned that I wasn�t feeling great and that I hadn�t really been feeling well all week (I was but I wasn�t as she was ALWAYS on my mind and that bothered me a little). She was like why and I asked her if she really wanted to know. She said if I was willing to tell her that she was willing to listen. So I did the scientific thing�I asked Clint �yes or no� and the bastard said yes. So I wrote it all out for her. Her response was the typical shit I�ve always heard yet I think I�ll be hearing it more before I find a girl. To summarize she said �I think ur cool but I�m not really looking for a guy right now, I like being free.� Well poop on me. I immediately went into depressed mode and I just laid down around 10:30�called some people�got most of their voicemails and that was it. I woke up the next day and didn�t eat anything�.just laid in my bed and sat on the computer. But thankfully Grant and the rest of the guys didn�t� let me mourn my latest failure but by 4:30 I was out playing basketball and forgetting all about her. I was actually over it all in a weekend. That made me happy. Also on the Monday I got the car and when I was looking for cars Nicole called me on her lunch and made sure I was doing alright. That too made me happy. A few paragraphs back I mentioned a guy named Ray at my work that I was talking to about Dubravka and Cancun. He was a cool guy and we talked a lot before that day and we talked for a fucking long time that day. He was a laid back guy who was hella funny. But on that Saturday night that everything bad happened with Dubravka, Ray was involved in a single car accident and was killed. I was off work from Sunday-Tuesday so I didn�t find out till Wednesday and when I was told I thought people were fucking with me. I wish they had been. That Sunday we had a scheduled store meeting and it was brought up. My store director couldn�t talk about it because it was making him choke up and I saw other co-workers crying. It was weird because that�s the first person my age that I was cool with to die. I still miss talking to him and I wish that he were still here with us. WOOHOO!!!! I got a 2.86 my second semester in college. How you may ask? I don�t know but I really don�t care. That makes me a B- student. I�m so damn smart. I have officially given up my taping days. Some people just can�t take a joke and those damn Dublin cops are so retarded they make me look smart, like an Asian or something. The second breakdown that I touched on earlier wasn�t really that bad. Just a few days while my parents were gone I was just getting kinda lonely being in the house and having nothing to do. All my friends were busy and it was just boring as hell and that made me think which is a HORRBILE thing. At times like that I wish I were blonde because than I wouldn�t know how to think. So I was feeling really lonely and was missing that damn companionship thing again. But I think a breakdown would be over exaggerating a little. So yeah. As most all of you know, even if you can�t remember, I had a party in mid-July at my house while my parents were camping. It was great times. There were some people there that I hadn�t seen since Grad night and it didn�t get out of hand, no fights broke out and nothing got broken. I spent about $200 on it and I ended up getting about $130 back so that�s not too bad. The funniest part of the night was Jon and his endless attempt to make out with people that he had ignored all through high school. That and the fact that he hopped my fence and ran to his ex-girlfriend�s house and ended up talking to her mom for like 45 minutes until we found him. Hey but he�s not pissed at me. Good times. RANDOM THOUGHTS/QUOTES - Everybody knows the expression �I�d take a bullet for you� But what good does that do if the shooter has more than one bullet. Now both of you are dead. I�m not taking a bullet for anyone�.I�m diving to the ground, pretending I�m hit and hoping to god they don�t check. - Just because I�m not crazy does not mean I�m sane - If wise men really do learn more from fools than fools from the wise, my friends must be damn wise - Is it ironic that some bad things end up being good things while some good things end up being shitty in retrospect - I swear to god I�m going to make a movie�.and it�s going to be GREAT!!! - �I just realized I�m bi-sexual because that last time I had sex I was BY MYSELF� ~George Wallace Ok well done with that. Um�what else is up with me? Well on the poetry side of things it�s been kind of quiet. I only wrote one full-length poem during the last 5 months, entitled Sick of Being Alone. I�ve also wrote a few mini poems which will probably start being more and more common. They�re only around 5 line poems about random stuff but I write them when I get bored, mainly in school. So with school starting again I�ll probably be adding a lot of minis every month I think I'm getting sick. Not too much new good rock or rap has been coming out recently so I've done something I thought I'd never do....downloaded and started listening to country music. Since my dad always listens to country and always has it's been easy to download a bunch of songs. I think I've downloaded like 50. Not that much considering I have over 2500 songs on my computer and 975 on my playlist but still...I think I'm coming down with something. MY BIRTHDAY IS ON AUGUST 19TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I�ve learned in life that the things you feel are the most stable things in your life, are the things that will fall when u least expect it. Also never assume that anybody understands you because odds are, they don�t�they just lead you on as if they do. This last paragraph will probably get me in trouble and lead to an argument but FUCK IT!!! Jeremy is currently in Germany right now since he�s finally done with all his training. On August 15th he is scheduled to be shipped off to Iraq. All I ask is that you pray/hope that come February he is on the plane coming home. If you want to find something new to find on television watch Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn on Comedy Central. Not only is it funny as hell most of the time but you actually can learn a thing or two. It�s on @ 11:30PM Monday-Thursday and repeats at 1:30AM & 4:30PM the next day. Screw sex. That�s right you heard me. Coming from the man who would hit on a nun I am officially saying screw sex. Talking with a friend for two hours in my car while driving around made me realize that getting laid wouldn�t settle a damn bit of my problems. It all goes back to what I said in my last update, I need companionship. Although I wasn�t believed, I was dead serious when I told this girl that if she came over and said I will do WHATEVER you want, that I would just want to hold her and watch a movie. Nothing more. And you know what, that would probably be one of the greatest nights I�ve had in a while. Although that might sound gay to some people, that I would rather cuddle or whatever you call it than fuck, I really don�t care. As my glowing sense of humor put it, �You never know how long sex is going to last, could be 5 minutes could be 20 (I�m thinking the lower end). You also can�t guarantee that it�s going to be good but you can never go wrong with an evening with a girl you care about being snuggled in your arms.� Now I ain�t swearing off sex, saying that I�ll be V-clubbing it for life, I�m just saying that what I need is a girl to hang out with and that will make me feel what I haven�t for the last 12+ months. And it doesn�t even have to be a girlfriend (although that would be a welcome surprise), just somebody that makes me feel good to be alive and to be who I am. I'M A CUDDLE SLUT AND I NEED A FIX!!!!!!!!! Well looking back on this summer I have say it�s been a pretty blah summer. I took no vacations due to school/work/the damn car. I really did nothing exciting whatsoever. But I can�t say it�s been a bad summer. Like I said to Josh, just because nothing good has really happened doesn�t mean it�s all bad. Looking back on it I�m really glad that I didn�t go out with Dubravka. I didn�t know her and it would have been rushing things way too much. Right now she�s just a good friend who I enjoy talking to and, dammit, I like it that way. I gained more friends (like 3 or 4) and I didn�t� lose any. No totally bullshit drama happened, no slips back into my depression, which is a very encouraging sign that I think I�ve finally shaken that shit off. Not as good as two years ago, so much better than last year and god knows what next year will bring. Until next time you can always check out my sub-profile for journal updates every week or two. Also sign my guestbooks dick. I have one on the web page and one on the sub-profile�fucking sign AT LEAST one of them. Alrighty, take care now, bye bye then. Until Further Notice, Adam |