| Nags's Life Right Now |
| May 20, 2002 Hey. What's Happening? Well I'm really pissed & depressed and well confused on what to do so I decided to write it all out. Been a month since I last updated and boy haas my life gone on a roller coaster of emotions. Well I was in Ohio last time I wrote at my Grandpa's funeral and when I got home I had to deal with the question on weither or not to go to prom. I was told before I left I was told that Jenny Symmons would go to prom with me but by the time I got home she was going with Scott Hale. So that Friday night me and Hallie went out to eat some food and I said I wouldn't mind going with Julie Jacobs (don't ask me why I remembered her but I did) and I figured that since they were both Mormon that Hallie had kept in touch and would think that it would be a good idea. Well I didn't know that Hallie is one of the few people in the world who doesn't think that Julie is a great person. So Hallie wasn't going to asked but I tolld her that this was her last shot to get me to prom and so she called me on that Sunday night and said that Julie said yes and that she sounded excited. Then came that problem of calling and seeing Julie, something that I hadn't done in say, 3 1/2 years. But I did and I went over there gave her the guest pass and she was just like I remember her. Always smiling, always happy, cute as hell. I knew right there that I was in trouble, and guess what, I was right. Well I don't know if I've ever been so nervous in my life before prom. I had starting falling for Julie and I really didn't want to screw anything up. I also had spent a lot of money ($510 to be exact) and I wanted the night to be great. It was. It wasn't the night so much that was great becasue there was some fighting in the limo between Ruth Ann and the whole rest of the limo. The great thing was just looking at Julie and Julie looking back at me and smiling. I can't describe to you what that did to me, everytime she flashed that smile of hers. Needless to say that was probably the best night of my entire life. The next day I did something I never thought I'd do. I went to chruch, willingly. Not just any church, MORMON CHURCH. Anybody who knows me knows that I have called Mormonism a cult and I make fun of Jeremy for going to it but he offered me this explanation that actually made sense. If it makes Hallie happier that I go, I'll go. I took that reference and put that towards Julie. So I went and it really wasn't that bad (due to my lack of attention). Afterwards I went over to their house and I hung out there for about 4 hours. I wasn't even with Julie most of the time becasue she went to be and was sleeping for about two of the hours I was there but I was hanging out with her family. Her whole family is great and I was playing card games with her younger brother Brain and her Grandma. So that would have to be the best weekend of my life. And then this weekend had to come... Well this weekend started off good on Friday becasue I went bowling with Aaron, Happy, Jeremy, Hallie, Chris Mayo & Chris Hicks. But then around the 3rd game I got upset about Julie and I started to suck REALLY bad. I don't know why I got upset about Julie. I was just sitting there with Hallie and I just sstarted thinking about her and how bad I wanted to impress her but I couldn't figure out a way to. I tried everything I know how. She made NCS (playoffs) for diving so during lunch I drove out there and left a rose on her doorstep with a note of congratulations and she called and said thanks. I went to her diving on Thursday and she seemed happy to see me (of course I have never seen her not happy). Anyways I got so upset that I had a 81 on the 7th frame and I ended with a 90 something because I got 3 on the 8th & 9th framed combined. Well I was starting to tottaly stress so I decided on the next game that to have a good chance with Julie I had to get over 100. I had 23 on the 4th frame at the time. I don't know what happened but I ended up with a 148, mainly to my 3 straight strikes. Well I was till stressing about her at Denny's that night and I was on the brink of tears becasue I'm at a loss on what to do ffor her. Well I had the next day off because I was going to do something with Jeremy & Happy that would take all day and get my mind off Julie. Well they decided to cancel and not tell me. So all day I was stuck at home and that means I was thinking about Julie which means that I was just getting more & more depressed. Thanks to Grant & Joey who got me out of my house for a few hours that night because they saw that I was depressed because I wrote it on my away message. See Saturday night was her prom and I was totally worried that she would have a great time and I would mean nothing to her anymore. I was hoping that her date would be a dick but I had met him and I knew he wasn't which pissed me off. I know I sound selfish but I couldn't help thinking about it. Well I was going to see her Sunday morning because I told her that if I didn't work in the morning that I would go to church again with her and I didn't work till 12 so I was going to go. Well I now wished I hadn't becasue it didn't do anything but kill me and she wouldn't have noticed me gone at all. I swear that she didn't say more than 20 words to me all day long. During the hour sacrament I just sat there thinking about my friend (will get to that in a sec) and she paid attention. But even during the 5 min break between sacrament & Sunday school she didn't say anythhhing to me, except for something like, "So I take it you don't work till 12" And then during Sunday school is where I broke down iside and my weekend went from bad to probably the worst ever. I sat to the left of Julie and her prom date, Adam (also a member of the cult), sat to the right of her. Well she didn't talk to me at all during the whole hour long thing but instead was doing stuff with Adam. Like she a bunch of mints on her desk (she didn't offer me one, which was a surprise because I know my breath stunk). So she had a bunch of them one her desk and she was basically playing little school girl games with the other Adam. Like he asked if he could have that one and she said no and then he asked for a different one and she said no so he asked for a different one and she said yes. Stupid shit like that. (yes I was getting pissed). And then she picked up another mint and oput it in his mouth, but it caught caught on his lip and she flicked it in and was doing all sorts of things like that with him and I was sitting there not getting anything the person was saying and was getting more and more pissed. Well school ended and basically all she said was "Going to work now?" and "See you later". I don't think in her heart that she meant to totally ignore me. I just have this feeling that after last night her & Adam are going out or are very close to it. So as always my timing sucks. I was ok till I walked out of chruch and then it all came out. First slowly in the fact that I was throwing pennies as hard as I could. Then I got in the car and put on a song that broke me down. I was good till around the chorus and then I broke down. I was driving so this wasn't good. It helped to scream out profanity as lound as I could and slam the gas pedal down but I was still pissed. I was ok again till I had to go to work. I gggot there early and I was walking around and Aaron saw me and he knew somethign was wrong because I had this look on my face (that was my look for most of the day), and asked if I was alright. I couldn't answer, I just walked away and I couldn't even look at him. I just walked to the back and out my head down. I ended up working for about 3 hours till I was about to take my 10min break. Candice saw I had the look on my face and she too asked what was wrong. Again I couldn't even open my mouth. I jsut walked to the back. Candice eventually came to back and hugged me and trying to make me laugh. She then sent me on my lunch so I could get out. I went to Nicole's house and I talked about that and it really helped me just to talk to her about it. So I was ok for the rest of the night but now I don't know what to do. I want to give up. Just say I QUIT!!! But I can't do that. Not with Julie. She is just so perfect that I don't want to let her go. Maybe they aren't and won't be going out. I just decided to let her go for now and I might see her next week at church and then I'll do something on my birthday that will make it either the last time I ever see and talk to her or could be the start of something good. Either way I'm screwed. I'll either be rejected and go into a DEEP depressed (again) or I'll have a girlfriend that lives 20 hours away in 3 months. And if my problems with Julie didn't make my weekend bad enough I had some other shit that bothered me probably as much or more than the whole Julie thing. I was told on Saturday night/Sunday morning by a friend that they had done something to themselves that totally killed me. I instantly had tears in my eyes and some rolling down my cheeks. I all of the sudden felt totaly useless and that I was powerless. I hated that and I feared for my friend because they are a close friend and I don't want to lose them. I have probably never been so scared as I was when I heard what they did. Don't ask about who it was or what they did because I'm not telling. So that's what I was thinking about most of the sacrament (a bunch of people talking) at church. It was weird because when I'm not with Julie I do nothign but think about her but when I was with her I couldn't stop thinking about this other person and hoping they would be alright and that I could do something. And then the whole Sunday School thing happened. Well it's late and I'm tired and my eyes REALLY hurt. So I'm going to go now. Please give me feedback on what I should do because I'm confused. Bye for now. Prom Pics - www.picturetrail.com/nagsprom Julie's Prom (written before prom) - nagspoem.tripod.com/poem.doc Adam P.S. I'm about to write one or two more poems so sty tuned |