Pumpkin Fiction for all!

This is where you sit back and read fictional/miscellaneous Pumpkin-related writings. They are written (sadly) by me unless marked otherwise.

(N.B-This was written back in '96 so when they relate to "their latest album", it obviously means Mellon Collie...and speaking of grown-ups clashing with "modern" rock-I wish that old fart that calls himself a "music" professer would just crawl back to his senile coop and blame perhaps the ear plug company for the earache.That's all-enjoy.)

SETTING: The Ice Palace in downtown Tampa.

TIME: A mid-November evening.
EVENT: Smashing Pumpkins and Garbage concert.
THE KIDS: Three teenage boys (16, 15 and 14 respectively) who know all about both groups, know all the words to all the songs, and can name the aforementioned songs before the first two guitar chords echo up into the rafters of the new hockey arena.
THE GROWN UPS: A pair of reasonably well-adjusted adults who once thought rock groups with names like The Kinks,Hedgehoppers Anonymous and Electric Light Orchestra were pretty far out and remembered ``smashing pumpkins'' as something they did on a particular crazy Halloween night long ago.
THE MISSION: To go where few adults and kids have dared go together: a rock concert.

SCENE ONE

In the rental car on the way to Tampa.

TEEN 3: I think the Pumpkins' third video was much better than their first because the guy had no hair.
TEEN 2: Yeah, that was cool, but their latest album has better songs.
TEEN 1: I didn't like them at first, but after hearing their second CD and seeing that video with them in the desert, I became a big fan.
ADULT MALE: How do you turn on the windshield washer? Is this it? No, that's the passenger side mirror. How about this one? No, that's the defroster.
ADULT FEMALE: Just drive real close to the yard with the sprinklers on and the windshield will get wet.

SCENE TWO

Bargain parking lot "near" the Ice Palace.

ADULT MALE(to parking lot attendant): How far is the Ice Palace from here?
ATTENDANT: Just two blocks. That'll be $20, buddy.
ADULT MALE: Sounds good.
(Twenty-three minutes and 10 blocks later)
ADULT FEMALE (to policeman): Excuse me, sir, where is the Ice Palace?
POLICEMAN: About a mile the other way.
TEEN 3: Dad, I thought you said you knew where the Ice Palace was?
ADULT MALE: Um, I do, I just figured that you guys wanted to see some of downtown Tampa before the concert.
TEENS 1, 2 and 3 in unison: Right.

SCENE THREE

Inside the Ice Palace.

ADULT FEMALE: Let's see, Smashing Pumpkins' T-shirts are $20; Garbage hats are $25; Pumpkins' jackets are $50; and Garbage jumpsuits and formal wear start at $200.
TEEN 2: I'm going to get a T-shirt.
TEEN 3: I'm not sure. Do they have other T-shirts?
ADULT MALE: I wonder if they sell Garbage garbage. Ha!
Silence.
T-SHIRT VENDOR (to adult female): Ma'am, get him outta' here before I call security.

SCENE FOUR

After a 10-song set by Garbage.

ADULT MALE: Is it me, or did they just play the same song six different times?
ADULT FEMALE: No, I think it was 12 different times.
TEEN 1: Is it all right if we pretend we don't know you two?

SCENE FIVE

Intermission

ADULT MALE: Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was at an Earth, Wind and Fire concert in Miami back in the 1970s and was so close to the speakers at the front of the stage that I lost my voice because of the loud music?
TEEN 2: What was Earth, Wind and Fire?
TEEN 1: If you lost your voice, how come you can talk now?
TEEN 3: Did they have music back in the 1970s?
ADULT MALE: I'm ready for a beer.
ADULT FEMALE: Wait for me.

SCENE SIX

Smashing Pumpkins' third of five curtain calls.

ADULT FEMALE: If this is the acoustic part of the concert, why is the lead singer screaming?
TEEN 2: Mom!
ADULT MALE: Actually, that's a good question.
TEEN 1: Dad!

SCENE SEVEN

Midnight. In rental car on the way back to Bradenton.

ADULT FEMALE: Well guys, did you like the concert?
TEEN 1: Yeah. Maybe we can see Pearl Jam when they play Tampa?
TEEN 2: Or REM. I'd like to see them.
TEEN 3: Can we see the Dave Mathews Band?
ADULT MALE: How do you turn on the windshield washer?
ADULT FEMALE: I thought you found that?
ADULT MALE: I did, but it was the only way I could think of to change the subject.

Bradenton Herald News Editor Gary Brown still knows ALL the words to ALL the Beatles' songs except that Number Nine one by John and Yoko. All content � 1996 Bradenton Herald Internet Plus and may not be republished without permission. Bradenton Herald Internet Plus is a service of the Bradenton. Herald in cooperation with InfiNet. Questions, commments: send feedback to Bradenton Herald Internet Plus.

10 Different Ways To Mispronounce Ava Adore

Very common variations on such a simple and effective name!
1. Ah-vay Adore
2. Ah-Vah Ador-ey
3. Eeh-Vay Aydore
4. Eeh-Vah Adore
5. Ay-vay Aydore
6. Ava Gabore (Close enough, right?)
7. Ah-vo Adore (Nice try)
8. Eeh-vo Adore (Quit now)
9. Um...Bullet With Butterfly Wings? (Real desperate, this one)
10. Avon (OK, Who's the wise guy here?)

Collected from various radio stations newspapers, Tv programs, web pages from before and after the song was released.

10 Different Ways To Misspell Yelena Yemchuk.

Sick of the press getting her name wrong? I am!
1. Ylena Yemchuk (And how do you pronounce that, pray tell?)
2. Yelana Yemchuk
3. Yolana Yemchuk (NO)
4. Elena Yemchuk (Ha, ha. Close)
5. Yelena Yemchuck
6. Yelena Yumchuk
7. Yolada Yemchuk (I don't recall her being casted on the Beverly Hillbillies)
8. Yellen Yemchuk
9. Yelhana Yemchuk (No, that's that Tarot card reader on those 1900 numbers)
10. Helena Christiansen

Collected from various media of magazines, newspapers etc.

That's it for now-Stay tuned.