but is that enough...is it enough to exist--to live--to be or must i DO?? Am i under orders to makes this world a better place or can i keep floating wearing oh so proudly my teflon mask dripping with honey fakeness... just smile and it'll all be ok...laugh and they won't notice...shut up and nobody cares.
.
the words come back and they scare me...make me wonder why i missed them....where have you been you bastard of my insanity??
.
the voice of he who loves me is guilting me....these thoughts of blades and blood and pain....why now....maybe it comes with the alcohol (wild irish rose to be exact) and he keeps feeding me chocolate and kisses....and it's all i ever wished for...but now i sit....and i know it's enough...but why these thoughts..why now??? it all flows along perfectly until the clarity of alcohol sinks in and then the depression returns.
i'm turning into the perfect little poet...i can only write when i drinking...then ulitemently the drink steals yours words and makes them his own....where you can't even find your voice scattered therein. why is this so....why can't the clarity stay...just perfectly muddled in the space you call thought?
shutters close and i self involve
tap at my window--
i don't hear...
tap louder and i just scream
leave me be in this solitude
but don't leave for too long
danger flows in...
discovering i don't need you
it's a veil i hope never drops
because i'm not sure i want you enough
to stay
oh shit....this is bad....i LOVE you. promise. just tonite...i want to be self involved in pity.....*pause for drink* i fear i'm not enough...does that steam from the fear you are not enough for me....? but who is...who is enough to put up with me shit....i know you want to try....but ask my fallen field of bruised, broken, and terminally ill heroes....ask them what good loving me does....ask them to show you the fruits of their labor and you will see scarred feet from walking the extra mile and bloody bruised hearts from loving enough for two.
is that all for now?? possibly so. maybe more later. he'll have to sleep sometime.
