helping you score.

4/8/01: Tournament Etiquette, Continued.

Well, dears, I know I promised you rules for women in this update, but I've been quite busy, and it's quite difficult to come up with rules for women without sounding a bit rude. If any of you want to contribute to that, email me suggestions, and they'll go up if I agree with them. I'd also like to share a few rules about online etiquette, since so few of our associates demonstrate any expertise in that subject at all. However, since my last etiquette posting, I've witnessed further breaches of etiquette, many so severe that I simply had to continue my list of tournament etiquette. I don't expect anyone will care that much, anyhow.

Anyhow, I'm still compiling this addendum to my last post, so this will be part one of two. Watch out for the next one, and email me with any suggestions.

The Continued Rules of Tournament Etiquette

1. While it is rather rude to converse during the opposing team's boni, it is decidedly ill-bred to fail to shut up during the tossups.

2. Similarly, when one is answering a tossup, it is conventional to buzz in or otherwise indicate that one would like to give an answer. Go ahead and just yell it out if you want, but if you get upset when the moderator doesn't accept it, you're just going to look like a jackass.

3. On microphones:
a) There's a reason you can't talk that loud naturally; it's damned annoying. Be concise and brief.
b) Speaking unnaturally slowly doesn't make you all that much more comprehensible; it just makes it sound like you think you're talking to three-year olds. And we all know how much your audience loves that.

4. To scorekeepers: if you really wanted to display your intellectual acumen, you should have played. Dancing in your seat and indicating to the moderator that you know the answer (and can't believe the teams playing don't) doesn't impress anyone.

5. Moderators are kindly requested to remember what format the tournament is in and to read accordingly.

6. On behalf of your teammates, your opponents, and anyone who travelled with you, particularly if you were on an airplane or any form of public transportation: BATHE. Change your clothes. Dangle air fresheners all over your body. Just don't smell like some people have been smelling.

7. Yes, it's frustrating when you realize what a question's asking, but can't pull the name, and one of your opponents buzzes in with what is obviously a (correct) guess. However, do not respond to this situation by yelling and banging your head on your desk. Not only does this diminish your capacity to answer questions in general, you may develop a flat forehead, a bad drooling problem, and the persistent belief that everybody you meet is named George.

8. Some people like stuffed animals. For these people, they are talismans, they are good luck charms, they are friends. These stuffed animals sometimes come to college bowl tournaments. Do not openly mock the intellectual inferiority of those who bring the stuffed animals. It will only make it more embarassing when their team beats you. In addition, no matter how poorly you're playing, resist any temptations you may have to abuse the stuffed animals. (These rules may be suspended if anyone engages in long or involved conversations with their stuffed animals between matches or during boni.)


Well, that's it for now. If you have any suggestions, comments, or hate mail, do email me.

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