Cheetor stared at me, green eyes unblinking. He sat that way for quite a long moment before uttering one simple word. "Cheese."
That thrilling and authorative argument stumped me. What was I to do? The only thing I could do was slowly form my mouth around my only defence. "Bananas."
Cheetor shook his head. "Cheese." He insisted. I mimicked his gesture.
"Bananas."
"Cheese!!" He said a little more forcefully.
"Ba-na-na!!"
He snapped. "It's slagging cheese!"
"It's a banana!"
"It's CHEESE!"
"Bananas you rust-covered reject from the dark side of-"
"CHEESE!"
"Banana!"
"Since when do bananas have those airholes-"
"When's the last time you tried to peel a cheese-"
"Bananas look stupid-"
"Cheese is GROSS!"
"Oh, like BANANA's are much better..."
"SHUT UP!!" Flash roared, interrupting my brilliant comeback. I and Cheetor immediately joined forces.
"Were we talking to you?!"
"Cheese, banana, cheese, banana, shut up about that already!!"
"I don't see why we should." I sniffed, turning my nose away.
"He's just jealous cuz he don't have a fruit." Cheetor sneered.
Flash screwed up his face. "Cheese isn't a fruit, and no, I'm not jealous!"
"Oh yeah, he's jealous." I nodded.
"Very." Cheetor agreed. Flash just stared at us.
"You... idiots!"
"Oh, did I just hear the magic word?" I asked Cheetor.
"I think you did."
Flash waited blankly.
"Ding, you're a frog." I smacked him on the head with Melissa's fairy wand. Me and Cheetor then proceeded to fall about in laughter while Flash just stood there, stunned.
"You..." The insults he was about to throw out overloaded his mouth and after a few seconds he dumped himself back into the chair. I high-fived Cheetor. We'd been annoying Flash all day and yes, life was sweet.
"...Oh yes, that would be wonderful... you'll be here at eight? Good...." Mrs Jenkinson's, Cheetor and Flash's 'mother' in this world, voice floated down the hall.
"What's that about?" I asked Cheetor, giving Flash a short reprieve.
"We're having a party." He replied chirpily.
"A party?" I was interested. "What kind of a party?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. "She just said 'we're having a party'. Lots of people are coming. You're invited."
"Well yeah, that's a kind of given." I ripped out a notebook and began scribbling down notes. When Cheetor tried to look, I bashed him over the head with a toilet plunger conveniently lying around. "Biff, you're a cow."
"What are you writing?" he tried to snatch the notepad again but I gave him another whack. That plunger would come back to haunt me...
"Notes."
"What kind of notes?"
I whacked him again. "Go play with Flash or something..."
Cheetor looked puzzled, then shrugged agreeably. The next time I looked up he was harassing Flash with a stuffed dinosaur.
"You think I can invite my friends?" I piped up, chewing the pen for a few moments.
"No." Flash immediately answered. I glared at him.
"I can barely stand you, let alone your 'friends'." He definitely shuddered. I threw the plunger at him.
"Was I talking to you?"
"I'm assuming you were, seeing as it's my house."
"But why can't they come?"
"I don't like them."
"I don't like you."
"Then don't come."
"Oh, I'm coming."
"You're not."
"I am!"
"You're NOT!"
...
"Flash, did you take your medication today?"
He stiffened. "You wouldn't."
"Cheetor, hold him down!" I yelled. "I'll grab the pills!!"
"Log on, type in the addy..." I had hijacked Flash's computer and clicked onto the Internet. Well, he wasn't using it.
"...Flash, you throw up in the toilet, not the floor..." I heard Cheetor instruct tiredly. Poor Flash. His medication wasn't doing what it was supposed to.
"...I don't have to listen to you, I'm... Sailor Moon..." Several retching sounds followed these statements, and a shout of protest from Cheets.
"Aah! That's disgusting! It's all over my shoes now..."
I grinned sadistically at his suffering and typed down a quick wish. Pressed send. Wondered how long it would be until it came true...
"Are you sure you gave him the right dose?!" Cheetor appeared, dragging a very blissful looking Flash behind him.
"Rachelle... I love you..." Flash said dreamily. His head bobbed from side to side slowly. I waited. "...But I'm still going to kill you..."
I rubbed his head. "I'm sure you are, you lovely boy."
Cheetor looked at him nervously. "Are you sure you gave him the right dose?!"
"Positive." I flicked my fingers in front of Flash's eyes. "He's conscious enough not to be comatose, but he's out of it enough not to kill anyone. Don't you think he's cute when he's not plotting to murder me?"
Cheetor looked sceptical.
"Really." I assured him. He nodded slowly.
"Alright."
"Mummy, mummy, mummy, look what I found!" Melissa tore into the room with something yellow and black in her arms. "Oh, you aren't Mummy! But look what I have anyway!" She displayed it proudly and I immediately snatched it from her arms.
"I was wondering how long it would take to come!!" I cried. Melissa screeched.
"Mine!!!!" She bounced over and made a grab. "Mineminemine!!!"
I held it above her reach. "Aww, it's so cuuuuuuuute!! And in a scuba suit, isn't that just ad-or-a-ble?! I think I'll call it... George."
The room stared at me. Cheetor swore. Flash threw up again. The yellow thing spoke.
"Pikachu!"
"No, Pikachu. You're called George." I instructed.
"Pika, pika!" Melissa whined, trying to climb up on me. I stood up on the chair and cuddled the Pikachu.
"I've always wanted one of these."
"Mine!!" Melissa wailed. "MIIIIIINE!"
"I wished for it you little turd."
"My pika, my pika!" she insisted.
"No. My pika. My George!!!"
"I wanna hold." She bleated piteously. I relented. She snatched it away. "Alfred." She said.
"No, George."
"Alfred!"
"George!"
"Alfred."
"GEORGE!"
"ALLLLLFFFFFRRRREEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!"
The house literally shook, things fell off shelves and chunks of the ceiling came tumbling down. Melissa could outscream anyone.
"Alfred!!" I yelled, just to shut her up. It was like flicking an off switch. The house stopped shaking.
"Alfred." She cooed, and skipped away.
"I'll get you back, George, if it's the last thing I do!" I called after her.
"The colours..." Flash moaned and heaved. Again.
"Oh Brendan, you're still not feeling well?" Mrs Jenkinson felt his forehead and checked his pupils. She managed to dodge in time to avoid another stream of vomit. "My goodness. Whatever happened?"
"It was his pills." Cheetor explained. "He was getting trigger happy again."
"Dear dear, we should take that boy to see a counsellor." Mrs J checked the fridge. "I'm sure this L. Dementia should be able to help you out. I'll book you an appointment next week." Mrs J scribbled something down on a post-it and stuck it on the ad. She then revealed another box of pills.
Ralph Ares Happy Pills - extra strength.
"I hear they have miraculous results. I'll give you some later if you're still not feeling well.
There was an explosion from outside. That never boded well. Mrs J beamed.
"Our guests have begun arriving!!"
The party was on.
We raced outside to see a huge smoking crater in the driveway.
"What the (slag)?!" Cheetor cried. We approached the crater carefully. Figures stepped out amongst the smoke and mist. We coughed and waved away the ashes and squinted through the dust to see who they were. I only knew one thing. There were many...
"Bigbot!" Cheetor cried joyfully and darted forward. There was a surprised gasp and then one of the figures grabbed him.
"Cheetor!"
"Optimus!" I cried.
"Optimus?" the other girls said. I counted down the other Transformers.
"And Megatron, Dinobot, Rattrap, Terrorsaur, Rhinox, Rampage, Depthcharge, Tarantulas, Waspinator, Inferno, Scorponoc - hey, everyone's here!"
Tanya coughed and waved the clouds of smoke away from her face. "Hey, how'd I get here?"
I jumped for joy. My friends had come early after all!
"Man, what's with the burning?" Sallie choked. Megatron twisted his big form around and smacked someone around the head.
"Inferno, turn that off." He said in an orderly type voice.
"Yes, my queen!" Inferno saluted and switched off the flamethrower. Humans and robots alike stared at each other. And I guess you could say Cheetor stared too, since he was really a robot but he looked like a human. And Brendan was just out of it. Needless to say, it was time for an explanation...
"...and so, Matt, since you were so lonely I thought I would invite some of your friends over for the party!" Mrs J finished with a flourish. Everyone was seated around the suddenly bigger kitchen table. "Do you like the surprise?"
"Well- yeah!" he choked. "Guys, I thought I'd never see you again!"
"And that's a bad thing because...?" Someone - Terrorsaur, I think - muttered.>
"Neither did we, Cheetor, ever since you disappeared it's been... well, quiet." Optimus looked him up and down. "And I never expected to see you human."
"Yeah, well..."
Optimus turned to Megatron. Their heads almost touched the roof. "Megatron, I think this calls for a temporary truce."
Megatron agreed, there was much hugging and kissing and celebration... actually, they just shook hands and left it at that. But still...
"I can't believe this is happening." Jennie said, shaking her head. "And Matt and Brendan are really Cheetor and Flash..."
"I kinda thought you would have guessed." I grumbled. Everyone suddenly burst out talking at once.
"So how long before everyone else arrives?"
"How long are we going to be here?"
"Are you sure I can't torture the child?"
"It's so great to see you guys again!"
"So this is a human kitchen!"
"Got any radium drinks?"
"MUMMMYYY!!! HE'S TRYING TO EAT ME!!!"
"Uhh... what's going on??" Flash's sleepy voice from the couch interrupted us. Everyone turned to look at him. He waved weakly. "Oh, hi Megatron... did you grow a beard...?"
I walked over to him and dished out the bottle. "Time for your Happy Pills!"
Two hours later...
"You know... Washpinator, Terrorshor... have I ever told yoush that... I loved yoush?" Megatron hiccupped and spilt his beer trying to make a toast. He slung his arms over the respective bots shoulders and slumped, grinning stupidly back and forth.
"Megatron mean that?" Waspinator said sceptically, looking at his leader.
"You alwaysh been there for me... alwaysh... I love you guysh..." Megatron then threw up all over his feet. "Coloursh..." Optimus bounded up, a mop in his hand.
"Who shaid you could shpew up on my floorsh?!" he demanded, prodding the almost comatose Predacon leader.
"Optimush... you're my friend..." Megatron collapsed.
I looked at Megatron on the floor for a moment, from across the room, then looked at Tarantulas. He was sitting on one of the seats with what I assumed to be a bored expression on his face. "What're you doing?"
Tarantulas glanced up at me. "What do you mean, what am I doing?" he said in that oh-so-unique voice.
"How come you're not having any fun?" I continued. That was definitely a sneer on his face now.
"Consuming fermented grains are not my idea of 'fun'."
"You don't like beer?"
"Neither do you, I notice." He looked up at me. I shrugged.
"It's more fun to capture them making fools of themselves on camera. I get to laugh at them."
"Fun..." He hummed. I huffed up.
"Hide and sheek!" Scorponoc went staggering by. "Hide and sheek!"
"Play 'hide and sheek'." I suggested. Tarantulas tapped his foot.
"Bet them money they can't find you. They're so drunk it'll be a cinch."
Tarantulas began to look interested.
"And maybe you'll find some pets hanging around the place..."
Tarantulas was now running after Scorponoc.
"It's just you and me now George, isn't it?" I looked at the pikachu. He was lapping beer from a puddle. Three licks and he was gone. "Or not."
I looked around the room. Everyone was drinking.
"I'm the fairy prinshesh!!" I heard Optimus bellow.
What the hell, if he could do it, so could I.
I picked up a ruskie and chugged away.
Flash bounded by. "I'm Sailor Moon!!! And I will punish you!!"
Yeah, I really needed that drink.
A little while later, things were not so much improved. I was navigating my way into the bathroom to rid myself of some dodgy chicken when Flash sprang out in front of me flailing that toilet plunger.
"You!!!!" He yelled.
"What..." I moaned.
"Um... boo?"
"Go away, Flash..."
"I'm not Flash, damnit, I'm SAILOR MOON!"
"I know, I know... alright, Sailor Moon... I gotta go..."
"Not so fast!! What's the magic word!"
"What?!"
"You heard me, Magic Word!"
"I don't have one!"
He almost thrashed me over the head with the plunger. "WORD!"
"Umm... er..." I caught sight of something hanging off the tap. "It's... Underwear!!"
"Underwear?" Flash looked perplexed. He looked around and caught sight of the knickers over the sink. "Oh, underwear!!" He paused quizzically. "Does Sailor Moon wear underwear?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good then." He reached with the plunger and hooked it. "Uh... what else does Sailor Moon do with underwear?"
"She eats it."
Flash looked at the underwear. "Really?"
"Yes."
"Yum!"
I left Flash with the underwear half-chewed to dart back into the bathroom to heave up the chicken. But someone else was already in there. "What the--?!"
The thing looked back up at me from where it was slumped over the toilet bowl. "Taken." It growled.
"Mickey Mouse?"
"Ah, leave me the **** alone kid, I don't do no autographs." He snarled, giving another retch.
"I don't want an autograph."
"And I don't give a ****."
"You're not a very nice person, are you?" I asked him. From somewhere in the toilet bowl, I heard his voice float back.
"You try being ****ing nice when you've got kids hanging off you all day. 'Micky this', and 'Micky that', that's all I ever hear. Nanner nanner nanner, my mother was right, I should have ****ing gone into law school..."
My instincts told me to leave Mickey Mouse immediately. But my stomach gave a heave and I threw aside the shower curtain to throw up in the bathtub. Instead I screeched and leapt back, shielding my eyes.
"AAAAAHHHH!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Shut up, they'll know I'm here!" Tarantulas hissed. I opened one eye.
"You're what?"
"I'm hiding!" He snatched the curtain and snapped it back into place.
"You're not having a shower?"
"GO AWAY!"
Oh great, out into the garden now...
I stumbled out of the bathroom and made a beeway for the laundry door. But I calculated wrong and ended up in a bedroom. It was a few seconds before I realised what I was doing.
"Depthcharge?"
He leapt up. "What?!"
"What are you doing...?"
"I- I- I-"
"Cat?!" I choked. She jumped up too.
"What?!"
"What are you guys doing????"
They looked at each other. Then back at me.
"Rachelle, I have something important to tell you." Cat said seriously.
I was gobsmacked.
"We're in love." Depthcharge announced. "And we're getting married!"
"WHAT?!"
"There's a pastor here who'll perform the service." He continued.
"YOU'RE WHAT?!"
"I knew you'd be happy for us!" Cat beamed.
"BUT-"
"Now excuse us." Depthcharge hustled me out of the room.
"When you fall in love, you'll understand!" Cat called after me. The door slammed in my face.
Okay, I really needed to throw up now.
"No one shall pass here without the Royalty's orders!" Inferno barred my way out of the screen door. I tried to push past him, but to no avail.
"Inferno, I have to throw up-"
"The Royalty commands it!!" He stood up ramrod straight and snapped a quick salute. I scanned the room for Megatron. He was still on the floor.
"Alright, Megatron says I can go, now step ASIDE!" I yelled. Inferno shook his head and tapped the flamethrower.
"He is no longer the Royalty." He snapped.
"Then who...?"
"I'm the QUEEN of ENGLAND!!"
"WHAT?!" I turned around in time to see Optimus jump up on the kitchen table.
"And you're my loyal shubjectsh!!" He staggered but managed to point at everyone in turn. "Innkeeper! CORDIAL!!"
"Coming right up!" Mrs J said brightly. "They're such lovely people." She confided to me.
"You're joking..."
"And my firsht royal decree ish... we all gotta hug eachuvver. Yesh, datsh right... group hug!!! Come on you guysh. You know you want to!"
Okay...
"We're all friendsh here. Thatsh right... but Megatron ishn't my friend becaushe Megatron shuxsh." Optimus hiccupped and reached for another can. The kitchen table shuddered and fell to bits beneath his weight.
"Optimush, are you okay?!" everyone cried. He groaned.
"I shpilt my beer..."
"Inferno, let me out!!!" I begged, turning around and beating his chest.
"The 'royalty' decreed a group hug." Inferno said stiffly. He grabbed me!! "The Royalty must be obeyed!" He released me and lay a hand on my shoulder. "The Royalty says that we are all friends. Therefore you are my friend."
I edged away. There had to be another way out...
"There is no way you can be queen!" Flash appeared from nowhere and began to whack Optimus with the plunger. "I'm Sailor Moon, damnit! I'm the Moon Princess!"
Optimus looked up at him from the ground. "Ish it jusht me or ish the room shuddenly upshide down?"
"I'm the queen, I'm the queen, I'M THE QUEEN!" Flash yelled. "And this is my Moon Sceptor!" he cried wildly, whacking Optimus again with the plunger. "You shall obey!!"
"Royalty!" Inferno bellowed. He whipped out his flamethrower and pointed it straight at Flash. "Desist!"
"I'M THE MOON PRINCESS, YOU LISTEN TO ME!" Flash screamed, snapping the plunger in half.
"You guysh should really hug eachuver..." Optimus mumbled from the ground. Inferno snapped another salute.
"For the Royalty!" And he grabbed Flash and proceeded to strangle the life out of him.
"Now follow their exshample." Optimus instructed, clambering to his feet and grabbing the nearest Predacon - BlackArachnia. Silverbolt was immediately at his side to give Optimus a stern talking to but was sucked into the communal hug. One by one, the Maximals and Predacons turned to hug each other. I myself was grabbed by Megatron. Well, my foot, actually. He was still zonked on the floor.
"Thish countsh ash a hug, doeshn't it?" he groaned.
"Umm... yes, good Megatron." I patted him on the head.
"Friendsh..." Optimus continued. "Dinobot, maybe you shshouldn't be hugging sho hard..."
Dinobot looked up. He dropped Rattrap guiltily. "I wash jusht hugging him."
"Primush! He'sh dead!" someone yelled.
"Oh my Primush! You killed Rattrap!"
"You bashtard!"
Dinobot glared around. "He shtunk anyway. 'Shides, he'sh only shleeping."
"Oh, shleeping." Everyone agreed.
"Shleeping... shleeping shounds good..." Optimus bombed out on top of Silverbolt.
"Guysh!" Deptcharge stormed into the room, dragging Cat along behind him. "Guessh what?! I'm married!"
"Married?!"
"Yesh!" He plopped his bride in front of him. "This'sh my bride!"
I'd seen her before so I wasn't surprised. Everyone else was though, ambling up to give their congratulations.
"That'sh not all!" Tigatron rushed out of the hallway. "Guessh what?!"
"What?" Everyone cried.
"Airazor..."
"YESH?!"
"Airazor's brought more drinksh!"
The room howled in approval and exploded out of the house to wherever Airazor was at. I was left with a comatose Megatron, a dead Rattrap, an idiotically smiling Mrs J and a Tarantulas pretending to be a lamp. And I could smell something burning.
"What are you cooking in the oven?" I asked Mrs J. She smiled and opened it. I took one look.
"George!!!"
Reaching in carefully, I pulled out the blackened carcass with its melted plastic scuba gear by the stub of its tail. I stared at it. "You COOKED my PIKACHU!!!"
Epilogue.
In short, everyone got drunk, had a blast, hangovers the next morning, blah, blah, blah. Optimus eventually passed out after claiming he'd go over to England and bomb the slag out of the 'impostor' posing as the 'queen'. Flash decided to go dress up as Sailor Moon but burst into tears when he realised he didn't look so good in a mini-skirt. Tarantulas disappeared for a little while and was eventually found hiding in the chicken coop pretending to be a water bowl. After Cat recovered from the alcohol, she immediately divorced Depthcharge and moved on with her life. Depthcharge was momentarily depressed (20 minutes) until I gave him a puppy. He fell in love with it at once and called it 'Trinket' O_o;; Amid hangovers, vomit and weak cheers, the Beast Warriors left back to their place and time. All except for Flash and Cheetor, who'd zoned out in their room and so missed the ride home. But I made sure Optimus and Megatron promised to visit another time. Somewhere through their moans and grumbles, I'm sure I heard an 'alright.'
Oh, and although I really hate to say it... George was delicious.