It's easier to pretend you're happy; easier than answering all the questions. Just smile and laugh and listen to everyone else complain. It's easier than getting everyone involved in your messed up life.
When people get involved, you lose control. You can't decide what should be done -- in anything -- about how you're feeling and what you're doing. You take the risk of losing control when you share.
Sharing, some say, is the answer. "Talk about your problems, don't keep them all inside." But, as soon as you tell someoen what's going on, they think you expect answers.
Maybe there are no answers. Maybe you're just a sad and lonely person. Some days you want answers; you want to be happy. Other days you just want everyone to leave you alone.
But when you're alone, demons taught you. Your life gets worse, things seem harder; days grow darker. And you end up crying, screaming, cutting up your arm, popping pills...anything to make it stop.
It doesn't stop though. It never stops. But eventually you're able to gain enough control that you can put back on your smile and face the world again, pretending that everything's okay.
It's easier that way.
I realized something today. It was something that everyone knows for most of their lives. But today, I actually realized what it meant.
Today will never happen again. There is no chance for this second to be repeated. And with that came the realization that we're all growing up; that I'm not the same person I was five years ago; that in ten years eveyrone's going to be different; that everyone is different now.
It's rather hard to confront. I mean, where I am, and who I am right now isn't all that bad. Sure, I'm a 19-year-old overweight female, still in high school with no boyfriend and without a job. But i've got friends and family who love me (and I love them), I enjoy school (most of the time), and I'm a good person (when I'm not busy being bad). I don't think it appalling to spend the rest of my life right here, just as I am. I could deal with that.
I do have plans for the future. I do want to go to university, get a job, get married, have kids, own a house, grow old...but it's all so scary to me. I mean, what if I don't get accepted to university? can't find a job? marry the wrong person? raise my kids wrong? never have enough money to get a nice house? get sick and die young? Things are so uncertain. To be cliche, the only certain thing is uncertainty. That is scary.
Someday I'll be my parents' age, sitting around having coffee with Kim, talking about work and the kids...my sisters and I...grown adults...responsible and mature, it will happen. I know it will. I know, but it's weird.
So, that's what I realized. I realized that I'm worried about growing up, and excited and nervous, and feeling just about every other emotion you can think of. But, I'm ready too.
