| I'm caught up in a life I don't know how to live. I'm "growing up", things are changing, moving forward...but I'm not ready to...I'm...not scared...I don't know what I am...I'm just not ready. Lately, it's seemed that I have no say in what's going on...no control... I'm leaving for university in the fall...one and a half months...I'm leaving my family and my home...my parents...it produces a terror in me I have never know...a feeling ofdread, sadness, worry, fright, anger...a blackness of negative emotions that is swallowing me quicker each day...a blackness that gets deeper and wider each second...a blackness I can't escape. I wish I could find comfort in something...something concrete...but that's not possible right now...I'm moving in 6 weeks...to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people...there is no comfort for me in any of it. I don't want to go to university...I don't want to stay home...I don't want to be mature and responsible and have people count on me and trust me and need me...I don't want to let everyone down... I have no choices now...I have no where to go from here where I can feel safe and happy and worthy of friends and family. What do you do when you have no where to go, no choices, no future, no wishes? What can I do? I've oten thought death was my only choice...my only way...but I don't want to die either...I don't want to hurt my friends and family... I guess while I was fighting all my life to be an adult, all I ever wanted was to be a kid...to be protected and safe...surrounded by familiar things and places and people...be counted on only a little so I could never let anyone down. And now I'm beyond that point...I'm past the point where I wouldn't disappoint someone...everyone...now it's inevitable, unavoidable, destined to happen... No matter what I do, I'll be a disappointment...the one thing I never wanted to be. That is the blackness inside of me...that is the bottomless hole I fall deeper into everyday...this is my life... |
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